Much to be thankful for!

I haven't posted in a while due to the business. I can't believe that it's almost Dec.!! I have been at the treatment center now for 6 weeks. I can't believe it's been that long. After every six weeks, you meet with the whole treatment team (15 people) . Six weeks is also when you are allowed to petition to drop a class. I know I have gained sooo much mental strength lately. I have been able to turn my negative thoughts around more and  think more rationally. I give Jesus ALL the credit for that! I think of him when I become stressed, or anxious. I also have been using some of the techniques I've learned in treatment. Anyways, so I met with my psychologist and she agreed that I was ready to drop a class. She's seen a lot of improvement too. I was so excited. Dropping the class would mean I get to spend 2 days a week at home!  I filled out all the paperwork that it required and walked into the room thinking "I'm doing great!" However, that's not at all how it went.
The treatment team threw me for a loop and told me that I needed to go inpatient!!!! What?!? I was not expecting that AT ALL!! They said I was very encouraging, participate, and do everything that is expected, but that I wasn't do well at all eating. Crushed is an understatement! I cried. They wanted me to sign a paper that said that I would only run 3 miles a day! 3 miles?!? Who runs 3 miles and is good? They think my running is too big of a crutch for me and is hurting my disorder. I can see their point, but none of them are runners. I know what it takes to be good. I like being fast and competitive. It's the talent The Lord gave me and I love using it. So, the agreement was that I would begin eating lots more. My nutritionist said I was negative everyday. I didn't agree...
After that meeting, I was soo down. I cried and cried. How much do they expect me to eat?!? My nutritionist gave me a meal plan to follow(it is made specifically for me), but it just seems like too much food!
That night I was looking for an app that helps with nutrition. I found myfitnesspal. So, I put the food in I ate that  day and what I ran and it was then I realized how sick I was....I was way negative!! I haven't been getting any calories in probably over 5-7 yrs! My nutritionist said that I am not losing weight cause my body has adapted and it clings to every calorie. My metabolism is probably as slow as a snail!!
So, I decided the next morning to "jump right in." I gave the day to The Lord and asked him to give me strength. I ate 3 meals and ice cream!! I've  done it for a week!! My husband took away my scales(which almost made me have a panic attack), but by the end of the week, I was ok. I am eating healthy and I feel good..and it pleases God that I am taking care of my body.
The next Monday I met with my dietician again....it was weigh in day. Nervous was an understatement. She weighed me backwards...and amazingly I haven't changed at all. It is proven that your body can starve and be the same weight as when you feed it. I feel full and my stomach even hurts sometimes cause it's not use to so much food, but I know it will go away. My nutritionist is slowing going to increase my food intake weekly. I know she knows what she is doing and I trust her. I've really enjoyed eating. I don't have any guilt or feel bad. I look forward to meals. I have a long way to go mentally and eating wise, but I am getting there with the help of my treatment center, my little brother, my husband, and mostly Gods strength!
Through this process I have leaned how I use food as a coping mechanism. If something goes wrong..it makes me want to binge/purge(which I haven't done in 7 weeks!). If I feel down or angry  I want to restrict. I've seen it happen way too many times. It's in those times, I have to look to god to make the rift decision for my body. I will overcome this...cause with HIM ALL things are possible!

Lord, make me broken so I can be healed. I am so calloused I cannot feel.
I want to run to you with a heart wide open.
Make me empty so I can be filled.
Cause I am still holding onto my will.
Make me lonely so I can be yours.
So I want no one more than you  Lord.
Cause in the darkness, I know you will hold me.

 Thanksgiving is almost here and  it has always been one of the hardest holidays for me. I love, love, love my family...but I am terrified of the food! However, this yr I am not as scared. I am going to eat what I want,  and enjoy the fellowship with the ones I love. My mom works sooo hard preparing the meal. I love being in the kitchen with her and helping.  It is memories that I will never forget. My mom is the best cook here on  this Earth. For the first Thanksgiving in a long time, I have decided to enjoy every bite and try not to "count calories." It's one day out of the year when I can enjoy my moms cooking. Sooo many people would love to have the food that are truly hungry and I am going to be grateful we have way too much  food to eat. I don't want to regret not eating it...God gave us food to nourish our bodies...and I will do just that!

In everything give thanks...this is the will of God! :)

Healing takes time

Well, I have been so busy lately with work, treatment, and daily life I haven't had time to journal like I wish I could. I've been going to treatment for 3 weeks now. I actually like going now. On Mondays, I attend food and feelings class. We talk a lot about nutrition, our fears of certain foods, how to give our bodies the right nutrients and more. I really love the nutritionist. She is an athlete herself and helps with UT athletes! Every other Monday we have a meal together. Each girl/lady brings one item from each food group. Last time I brought homemade apple cider cupcakes. Of course I wouldn't eat them myself...but a few of the ladies did. It caused a lot of stress for some. We don't have to eat the food like you would at inpatient. After we eat, we discuss our thoughts about how we felt during the meal and after. We are really working on our hunger cues. The meals are fun...but they stress me out cause it's soo much food and I am not in control really of what we are having. We have to get weighed every 2 weeks. We have a one hr session with the nutritionist as well. We go over our food journals(I have to write down everything I eat everyday and my hunger scale and feelings each meal).   My goal this past time was to eat breakfast twice in two weeks...I failed. :(

Tuesday class is Life skills. The topics vary each week and can even entail art projects or other therapy type skills. We use to have class on Wed, but it now is on Thursday(which I'm glad so I can go to church). Thursday is called Focus and we meet as a group with the therapist. Also, each week you have to meet with an outside therapist. I really enjoy mine. She is super nice (and loves Jesus)and I love her "Dr. Ordered prescriptions....I have to eat a milkshake every night! Haha

Once a month we have family night. I haven't told my family I'm seeking help due to the shame and the worry I already caused them yrs ago when I was dying from anorexia. I am "healthy...aka gained weight, so they think I'm fine). So family night for me is my husband. He is my biggest fan and cheerleader. I honestly thought when I told him I need help, he would fix me! He can't fix me, but he sure does help me!! He makes me feel like the princess God sees me as. He brings me back down to Earth when I am thinking irrational. He never has one time made me feel guilty from my sickness. He never one time has fussed at me from not eating enough and running so much. Nope..he gives me love, quotes scripture and hugs me for me.  At times I feel overwhelmed with the love he gives me. It is hard to receive it. He loves me soo much that I don't know what to do with it. I am beyond thankful I waited for him. He is my rock and my prince I prayed for. My "little brother" also knows and he is the one  who has always been there before I met my husband. He is my best friend and although he doesn't sugarcoat things to me..his tough love and encouragement makes me smile and push myself father than I think I can. I've seen him almost die from an unexplained illness...he fought and fought and now I must do the same. My brother is someone I look to in soo many ways. He may be "the baby" in out family...but he has actually been the  stronghold of keeping out family together and showing us and so many others how to live for Christ.

Mentally, I have been doing well I think. I know I am not eating very well(not lost any weight though), but I have been using some of the techniques they teach to handle my anxiety and stress. When I am anxious and stressed it triggers me to want to binge and purge. But I am proud to say I haven't! Also, I have really been trying to focus on The one who matters most-Jesus!! My awesome husband tells me everyday to focus on "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Phil 4:8. I have always seemed to focus on the negative. I feel so down so many days cause I didn't do something right, or I let someone down, or I treated my body wrong....and so on. However, bringing myself down and thinking those thoughts doesn't help my recovery. 

This past Sunday was communion. It was the first one I got to do with my husband so it was sweet. As I took of the bread and held it in my hand, I though of how Jesus took the cross, my sins...for me!!! And he took it for you! He loves me for me. Nothing I do in this life will make him love me more. I can win all the races I sign up for, make perfect scores on my teacher evaluation, and have the cleanest house and be the best wife I know how to be. However, his live still remains the same. He loves me for who I am now!! In therapy last week, they said "we accept the love we think we deserve." That really hit me hard. All my life I've felt like I had to earn love. My parents never expected me to be perfect, but I thought I could make them more proud by being The homecoming queen, winning races, being "pretty and nice all the time"...but it's not true.  My dad loves when I win races and he may be proud of me, but he still loves me if I never run another day in my life. I am my parents child...and their love for me is constant. Jesus' love is the same!!! He looks down on me and sees his child...who he died for. I want to live him back and right now I know I'm not giving him my all. I still live in fear of social situations at church, eating cause I may "get fat.", or even hanging out with other Christian friends cause of the whole food issue.

Lord,  I look up and I realize how far I am from where you are. You gave me life worth dying for. But between the altar and the door, I bought the lies that promised more...here I go again.
Lord, I know I let you down. But somehow I will make you proud. I will turn this sinking ship back around to you.
All my good deeds and my good name are just filthy rags that tear and strain to cover my sins that you already washed away.
You're all I ever wanted. You're all I ever needed. And all you ever wanted...was my heart.

I don't know why my disorder started..I don't know why I can't "let it go", and I don't know why God has keep me able to function and live and run like I do for the 10yrs I've had it...however, I am grateful. I am grateful for the treatment I am getting. It may be at as nails pace recovery, but like I said before....Jesus doesn't care how fast or slow I run. He just wants me running to him. I will finish the race and see him and say Thank you father!

Psalm 105:4 seek The Lord and his strength, and his fave forever more.