Much to be thankful for!

I haven't posted in a while due to the business. I can't believe that it's almost Dec.!! I have been at the treatment center now for 6 weeks. I can't believe it's been that long. After every six weeks, you meet with the whole treatment team (15 people) . Six weeks is also when you are allowed to petition to drop a class. I know I have gained sooo much mental strength lately. I have been able to turn my negative thoughts around more and  think more rationally. I give Jesus ALL the credit for that! I think of him when I become stressed, or anxious. I also have been using some of the techniques I've learned in treatment. Anyways, so I met with my psychologist and she agreed that I was ready to drop a class. She's seen a lot of improvement too. I was so excited. Dropping the class would mean I get to spend 2 days a week at home!  I filled out all the paperwork that it required and walked into the room thinking "I'm doing great!" However, that's not at all how it went.
The treatment team threw me for a loop and told me that I needed to go inpatient!!!! What?!? I was not expecting that AT ALL!! They said I was very encouraging, participate, and do everything that is expected, but that I wasn't do well at all eating. Crushed is an understatement! I cried. They wanted me to sign a paper that said that I would only run 3 miles a day! 3 miles?!? Who runs 3 miles and is good? They think my running is too big of a crutch for me and is hurting my disorder. I can see their point, but none of them are runners. I know what it takes to be good. I like being fast and competitive. It's the talent The Lord gave me and I love using it. So, the agreement was that I would begin eating lots more. My nutritionist said I was negative everyday. I didn't agree...
After that meeting, I was soo down. I cried and cried. How much do they expect me to eat?!? My nutritionist gave me a meal plan to follow(it is made specifically for me), but it just seems like too much food!
That night I was looking for an app that helps with nutrition. I found myfitnesspal. So, I put the food in I ate that  day and what I ran and it was then I realized how sick I was....I was way negative!! I haven't been getting any calories in probably over 5-7 yrs! My nutritionist said that I am not losing weight cause my body has adapted and it clings to every calorie. My metabolism is probably as slow as a snail!!
So, I decided the next morning to "jump right in." I gave the day to The Lord and asked him to give me strength. I ate 3 meals and ice cream!! I've  done it for a week!! My husband took away my scales(which almost made me have a panic attack), but by the end of the week, I was ok. I am eating healthy and I feel good..and it pleases God that I am taking care of my body.
The next Monday I met with my dietician again....it was weigh in day. Nervous was an understatement. She weighed me backwards...and amazingly I haven't changed at all. It is proven that your body can starve and be the same weight as when you feed it. I feel full and my stomach even hurts sometimes cause it's not use to so much food, but I know it will go away. My nutritionist is slowing going to increase my food intake weekly. I know she knows what she is doing and I trust her. I've really enjoyed eating. I don't have any guilt or feel bad. I look forward to meals. I have a long way to go mentally and eating wise, but I am getting there with the help of my treatment center, my little brother, my husband, and mostly Gods strength!
Through this process I have leaned how I use food as a coping mechanism. If something goes wrong..it makes me want to binge/purge(which I haven't done in 7 weeks!). If I feel down or angry  I want to restrict. I've seen it happen way too many times. It's in those times, I have to look to god to make the rift decision for my body. I will overcome this...cause with HIM ALL things are possible!

Lord, make me broken so I can be healed. I am so calloused I cannot feel.
I want to run to you with a heart wide open.
Make me empty so I can be filled.
Cause I am still holding onto my will.
Make me lonely so I can be yours.
So I want no one more than you  Lord.
Cause in the darkness, I know you will hold me.

 Thanksgiving is almost here and  it has always been one of the hardest holidays for me. I love, love, love my family...but I am terrified of the food! However, this yr I am not as scared. I am going to eat what I want,  and enjoy the fellowship with the ones I love. My mom works sooo hard preparing the meal. I love being in the kitchen with her and helping.  It is memories that I will never forget. My mom is the best cook here on  this Earth. For the first Thanksgiving in a long time, I have decided to enjoy every bite and try not to "count calories." It's one day out of the year when I can enjoy my moms cooking. Sooo many people would love to have the food that are truly hungry and I am going to be grateful we have way too much  food to eat. I don't want to regret not eating it...God gave us food to nourish our bodies...and I will do just that!

In everything give thanks...this is the will of God! :)