I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say. I'm not sure how to fix it the things I'm dealing with. I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight. But I just don't know how to let it all pour out. Though I am silent, my heart is crying because I was made to come to YOU. God I need you more than words can say, right here in this moment. You know my heart, you know my need. You know every part of me. Even if it's just to speak your name I'm going to pray. Hallelujah he lives in me! You ARE "I AM". Maybe the point is to break the point of giving up....cause when I hit rock bottom, it's when I start to look up. I'm not strong enough...but HE is strong enough for both of us. I can do all things....through Christ who gives me strength.

I am blessed with the privilege to teach fourteen 4-5 years old. I am the first teacher some of them have. For many it's the first time they have been away from home. I never know what the days going to bring. This year, I have the best group I have ever taught. They are just so sweet! I pray everyday for their little hearts. I know that many may come from broken homes, some never get attention, and some think the world revolves around them. I have to take each child and love him/her for who they are. They are products of their home life. They come in with all different levels academically as well. Some are reading and some don't even know the letter A. So, needless to say my job can be very exciting and stressful at well. But..teaching teaches me more about Jesus. I didn't get saved till 8th grade...late compared to all my friends. Just like some of my Kindergarten kiddos aren't ready to read, I wasn't ready to be saved. Gods got a plan for all of us...His timing is perfect. When I look at my kiddos, I see how unique God made them. Just because some of them may not be Kindergarten ready, it doesn't mean they wont leave ready for first grade. The same applies in our lives. Gods plan may not be how we envisioned....but, it is perfect. I don't understand why I still struggle with this disease. I don't understand why something so unimportant weight can keep me chained up. The Devil knows my struggles and he wants to bring me down as low and as long as he can. But...I have to keep getting up. I cant stay down! If I give up, he wins...and I am Gods team and He always wins! I teach my kindergarten kids that they can become anything they want. I teach them not to give up. Writing their name is soo hard to learn for some. For others it may be subtraction. But, Phil 4:13 says we can ALL things through Christ....so I no doubt I will one day conquer this!! Lord, I love the way you hold me. In your arms I will always be. I'm so grateful and thankful for all you've done for me. So many days I think I cant do this on my own. I'm done fighting. I'm finally letting go. I will trust in you. I lift my hands to you. I lift my eyes to you...cause you are all I need. Whatever your will Lord...use me.

Grace....1 Cor. 15:10 says "But by grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect. 2 Cor. 9-10, say "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. These verses really speak to my heart. They show me that when I am weak..HE is strong. Where my weaknesses are God shines through. When I fail, I still have every reason to praise Him. His grace lifts me up so that others can see HIM at work. I can be joyful, even when the going gets tough, because HIS power can be made known even more. This past July, I married the man of my dreams. I am very blessed. I have a husband who loves me way more than I could ever ask for. He is my rock. He is truly the one God had for me.He loves the Lord with all his heart. I waited a long time for him. Being 29 and never married was hard and lonely many days, but I am so glad I waited. I cherish reading Gods word everyday with him. I love praying with him. We make a conscience effort to keep God first in our marriage because we know it will crumble if we don't. I also love his family. His father is a Pastor and I look to him for guidance. I am very blessed to be added to his family. Being a newlywed is awesome, but it also brought alot of stress as well. I was terrified I was to our honeymoon...because I would have to eat! Sad huh? I had not ate 3 meals in over 4 or 5 years. I prayed to God daily leading up to our wedding that he would help be carefree and not worry about calories, but to just enjoy a once in a lifetime experience. For one week of my life , I didn't run a mile and I ate everything and anything I wanted. There were 0 negative thoughts. It was the only time in my life that I felt free! However, now my thoughts are full blown...every single minute of my day. Ive tried for the last 10yrs to fight this battle on my own. Ive tried to give it to God. I have ed and failed each time. I have soooo many "rules" about food. I still struggle with anorexic thoughts, and still don't eat enough. I have binges and binges more now than ever. I am an anorexic mind set lady in a bulemic body and need help. I had my breaking point when I thought I was going to die a couple weeks ago. I ate half a pizza, a large order of cheesesticks, and half a cake! Then...threw it up. I thought my heart was going to stop. I keep going though because I had to get every morsel of food out.Pizza is "bad food." The sad thing is even though I thought I was going to die that day...Ive binged sooo many more times. I don't want this disease to kill me. My God is greater than anything and I know I can conquer it! I'm tired of living a lie. I'm ready to be free! I went to my husband for help and he is 100% supportive. We have prayed which route to take. I will be getting help soon.Then other days I just don't eat hardly at all. Its a never ending cycle. I will be going to an outpatient program that is one of the best in my state. I had to complete a 2hr interview to get into treatment and go to the Dr to complete many tests and bloodwork. I remember answering the questions from the interview and they were deep..it was hard. The Dr visit wasn't any easier because I hated the fact that I had even tried to "trick her". She was so supportive(a Christian)and of course has known for years. She told me the sweetest and most encouraging thing when I left. She said, "you know who lives inside of you...you can do this! She is so right. I cant do it(or anything on my own)...but I have a father, a King, a Savior who will help get through this. :) I know I can finish this race strong, so that when I see Jesus, He will be proud that I, his servant, worked for his glory. God's grace gives us so much to live for and hope and joy for every moment. It is time for me to quit focusing on myself so much and start winning souls for HIM....that is much more filling than a bowl of ice cream.

The next Fall I went back to school much healthier and happier. I looked like I was better. However,I fought the never ending battle with my mind to want to go back to my old ways. Everyday I woke up until I went to bed Satan tried to make me feel unworthy and nothing but a girl who was fat! I didn't like who I was anymore. I also HATED putting on my clothes and they were tight. One of the worst memories was when I went back to my hometown to give my homecoming queen crown to the next girl...my outfit was way too tight for me! I was mortified! I remember crying and trying on all the clothes I had at home, but all of them were too tight. I live in a small town and there isn't a mall. So I decided to wear my moms girdle. It was because it would suck in all my fat. I hated that night and it was supposed to be a fun night. I hated the crowd looking at me. I hated seeing my old h.s.friends, and I hated that I had let myself "get fat." That next week at school, I decided it was time to do something about it! I started taking laxatives, diet pills, and making myself throw up. I was no longer anorexic...but turned to bulemia. Bulemia was much easier to hide. I looked healthy. It was my secret. All I had to do was throw up, if I overate. I remember when I became stressed I wanted to eat. I had denied myself of sooo many food when I wasn't eating, I craved them. I mean I could not get them off my mind! I remember going home and being so excited and there was endless amounts of junk food. Junk food is forbidden in my mind. So, I ate and ate and ate until my stomach could no longer hold it. Then threw it up! Food was(and still is)my idol. I remember I reached a point I couldn't go on and I finally told my mom. She didn't know any better way but to say,"just don't do it! 10 yrs later and I'm still doing it. :( I don't have harsh feeling anymore that my parents never really got me the help I needed. After all, I am the best at hiding it, so they probably thought that I was better. I was at a healthy weight and I never threw up when I was around them. However, I lived a secret life...and still to this day do! I'm tired of it! Ephesians 5:15-17 says "Be very careful then, how you live---not as unwise , making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. I must remember what the most important things in life truly are, and enjoy them. God doesn't care if I am a size 2 or a size 8. He doesn't care if I win every race I enter...but He wants me to live for him and give him the best I have. I know I am not giving him my best right now, because I am so focused on food and my "fat thoughts." I am HIS child...he loves me unconditionally. My worth is not a number from the scale or any award I may receive....my worth is in HIM and that is more than we as humans can comprehend.

Today is September 19.2013. Its the first day of training. I'm going to run a race. The race will be the hardest race that I've ever ran.I have been running since I was 10 yrs old. It's what my family does. I watched my Dad run as a child and my two brothers as well. I knew no other life style but to run. God blessed us with talent. My Dad was the most amazing runner I know. I wanted to be just as good as him. I was blessed enough to run college xc at a Christian University and I wanted to bring God glory through running. I wanted to be the best! 1 Cor. 4:7 says For who makes you different than anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not? This book tells alot about how we are not our own, but we belong to Christ. I would be nothing without him. I am a human and I sin, but everything I have, possession, talent, opportunity, and just life is a gift from God. I want to live my life for HIM and to bring him glory...but right now I know I'm not. I am struggling with something that has taken a hold of me and won't let go. In college, I was the second fastest girl on the team and the fastest girl was way smaller than me. In my mind, in order to get faster I thought I needed to lose a little weight. I began to cut out EVERYTHING that was not low calorie, low fat, and sugar free. That left me with a diet of oatmeal, grilled chicken, and apples. That's basically what I lived and ran off of. I counted every calorie I put in my body. Hours were spent adding up numbers, subtracting calories burned from running, and planning meals ahead of time so I would know exactly what to eat and what was "acceptable." It was exhausting mentally and physically. I didn't mean to lose alot of weight, just enough to look like a "real runner." I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I was training hard and eating a disciplined diet. But my "disciplined diet" and endless miles of running took a tole on my body. It got out of control. 1 Cor. 6:19-2- says " Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your body. You see, when I asked Jesus into my heart in the 8th grade, I was given the Holy Spirit to live in me and guide me. I was bought by Christ at the price of death on a cross; that is what has given me everything I have, not my own works. God gave me this body and my abilities to be a tool for HIM, so this really hits me hard as a a runner. Every race, people see me running. I want everything I say and do to be pointing to the ONE who gave me the ability. To honor God with my body in this situation would be to give everything I have to do my best and let Him take care of the rest. I must use every stop of my life to reflect who He is, and stay humble. My goal is to lift him higher....but right now, I know I'm not. I'm not treating my body like he wants. I'm treating my body like I'm a prisoner. College xc was some of the greatest memories I have. I loved my team. We were best friends and spent everyday day together. Weekends were spent traveling and racing. I was having the time of my life!....but I wasn't treating my body like a temple. I hated it. Every part of it. I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. I was fat. I did however love how my clothes fell off of me, how I became the fastest runner on my team and how I felt like I was in control. I would pass up food, avoid any social situation where I would have to eat, and made sure that I was burning more calories than I ate. . I began to get faster and faster and was the fastest girl on our team. I remember my dad feeling so proud of me. He was the best runner I know and so I loved seeing him live through me. My parents would try to come to as many races as possible and I wanted to do my best since they traveled so far to see me run for only 19 minutes. They didn't travel to see me lose. I wanted to make them proud of me. I remember one race I ran at Virginia Tech and the top 5 got a VT t-shirt. My little brother who means the world to me loves VT and I wanted to win him the shirt! Every race I ran was for my school,my family, and to bring honor to Christ. I thought every race when I was tired of Hebrews 12:1, and Phil 4:13. Eventually, all the miles and hard training took a tole on my my body and it got out of control. I became very weak and my periods stopped. I got down to 100pds.Sadly, even though I was so weak, I wanted to lose more! My parents became very concerned and every time I would go home they would threaten me that they were going to make me quit school if I didn't gain weight. All we ever did was fight anymore. I knew that if I didn't go home, I could still continue on the way I was...or so I thought. I went to the Dr. and told her about missing my periods. She said it was due to the running and not eating enough. I ignored her! She was wrong!! She ran test after test and nothing showed up. I was in denial that I was sick. I was just a skinny runnergirl!!! That summer my Mom finally cracked down on me...every meal was a fighting battle. My Dad made deals with me to try to make me gain weight. My parents did the best they could, but all the yelling and fighting just made me want to keep on going even more. But, my mom got me a book by Natalie Grant(my favorite Christian artist) called Being the girl God sees. I read it in one day. Something clicked that day. Natalie was a bulemic and she wrote the book to tell her story. She talked about how God saw her and not how she saw herself. From then on I knew that I wanted to start living more for Christ and treating my body how he would want. I began writing down everything I ate and making sure I got 1,000cal more a day than I needed. Gaining weight was awful!! But, I did it!! My parents couldn't make me, nor any Dr, it had to be up to me. Every meal was a fighting battle with my mind. I was so close to God during that time because I felt like he was all I had. He was the one who could cure me. He is the ultimate healer.