The next Fall I went back to school much healthier and happier. I looked like I was better. However,I fought the never ending battle with my mind to want to go back to my old ways. Everyday I woke up until I went to bed Satan tried to make me feel unworthy and nothing but a girl who was fat! I didn't like who I was anymore. I also HATED putting on my clothes and they were tight. One of the worst memories was when I went back to my hometown to give my homecoming queen crown to the next girl...my outfit was way too tight for me! I was mortified! I remember crying and trying on all the clothes I had at home, but all of them were too tight. I live in a small town and there isn't a mall. So I decided to wear my moms girdle. It was because it would suck in all my fat. I hated that night and it was supposed to be a fun night. I hated the crowd looking at me. I hated seeing my old h.s.friends, and I hated that I had let myself "get fat." That next week at school, I decided it was time to do something about it! I started taking laxatives, diet pills, and making myself throw up. I was no longer anorexic...but turned to bulemia. Bulemia was much easier to hide. I looked healthy. It was my secret. All I had to do was throw up, if I overate. I remember when I became stressed I wanted to eat. I had denied myself of sooo many food when I wasn't eating, I craved them. I mean I could not get them off my mind! I remember going home and being so excited and there was endless amounts of junk food. Junk food is forbidden in my mind. So, I ate and ate and ate until my stomach could no longer hold it. Then threw it up! Food was(and still is)my idol. I remember I reached a point I couldn't go on and I finally told my mom. She didn't know any better way but to say,"just don't do it! 10 yrs later and I'm still doing it. :( I don't have harsh feeling anymore that my parents never really got me the help I needed. After all, I am the best at hiding it, so they probably thought that I was better. I was at a healthy weight and I never threw up when I was around them. However, I lived a secret life...and still to this day do! I'm tired of it! Ephesians 5:15-17 says "Be very careful then, how you live---not as unwise , making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. I must remember what the most important things in life truly are, and enjoy them. God doesn't care if I am a size 2 or a size 8. He doesn't care if I win every race I enter...but He wants me to live for him and give him the best I have. I know I am not giving him my best right now, because I am so focused on food and my "fat thoughts." I am HIS child...he loves me unconditionally. My worth is not a number from the scale or any award I may receive....my worth is in HIM and that is more than we as humans can comprehend.