Healing takes time

Well, I have been so busy lately with work, treatment, and daily life I haven't had time to journal like I wish I could. I've been going to treatment for 3 weeks now. I actually like going now. On Mondays, I attend food and feelings class. We talk a lot about nutrition, our fears of certain foods, how to give our bodies the right nutrients and more. I really love the nutritionist. She is an athlete herself and helps with UT athletes! Every other Monday we have a meal together. Each girl/lady brings one item from each food group. Last time I brought homemade apple cider cupcakes. Of course I wouldn't eat them myself...but a few of the ladies did. It caused a lot of stress for some. We don't have to eat the food like you would at inpatient. After we eat, we discuss our thoughts about how we felt during the meal and after. We are really working on our hunger cues. The meals are fun...but they stress me out cause it's soo much food and I am not in control really of what we are having. We have to get weighed every 2 weeks. We have a one hr session with the nutritionist as well. We go over our food journals(I have to write down everything I eat everyday and my hunger scale and feelings each meal).   My goal this past time was to eat breakfast twice in two weeks...I failed. :(

Tuesday class is Life skills. The topics vary each week and can even entail art projects or other therapy type skills. We use to have class on Wed, but it now is on Thursday(which I'm glad so I can go to church). Thursday is called Focus and we meet as a group with the therapist. Also, each week you have to meet with an outside therapist. I really enjoy mine. She is super nice (and loves Jesus)and I love her "Dr. Ordered prescriptions....I have to eat a milkshake every night! Haha

Once a month we have family night. I haven't told my family I'm seeking help due to the shame and the worry I already caused them yrs ago when I was dying from anorexia. I am "healthy...aka gained weight, so they think I'm fine). So family night for me is my husband. He is my biggest fan and cheerleader. I honestly thought when I told him I need help, he would fix me! He can't fix me, but he sure does help me!! He makes me feel like the princess God sees me as. He brings me back down to Earth when I am thinking irrational. He never has one time made me feel guilty from my sickness. He never one time has fussed at me from not eating enough and running so much. Nope..he gives me love, quotes scripture and hugs me for me.  At times I feel overwhelmed with the love he gives me. It is hard to receive it. He loves me soo much that I don't know what to do with it. I am beyond thankful I waited for him. He is my rock and my prince I prayed for. My "little brother" also knows and he is the one  who has always been there before I met my husband. He is my best friend and although he doesn't sugarcoat things to me..his tough love and encouragement makes me smile and push myself father than I think I can. I've seen him almost die from an unexplained illness...he fought and fought and now I must do the same. My brother is someone I look to in soo many ways. He may be "the baby" in out family...but he has actually been the  stronghold of keeping out family together and showing us and so many others how to live for Christ.

Mentally, I have been doing well I think. I know I am not eating very well(not lost any weight though), but I have been using some of the techniques they teach to handle my anxiety and stress. When I am anxious and stressed it triggers me to want to binge and purge. But I am proud to say I haven't! Also, I have really been trying to focus on The one who matters most-Jesus!! My awesome husband tells me everyday to focus on "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Phil 4:8. I have always seemed to focus on the negative. I feel so down so many days cause I didn't do something right, or I let someone down, or I treated my body wrong....and so on. However, bringing myself down and thinking those thoughts doesn't help my recovery. 

This past Sunday was communion. It was the first one I got to do with my husband so it was sweet. As I took of the bread and held it in my hand, I though of how Jesus took the cross, my sins...for me!!! And he took it for you! He loves me for me. Nothing I do in this life will make him love me more. I can win all the races I sign up for, make perfect scores on my teacher evaluation, and have the cleanest house and be the best wife I know how to be. However, his live still remains the same. He loves me for who I am now!! In therapy last week, they said "we accept the love we think we deserve." That really hit me hard. All my life I've felt like I had to earn love. My parents never expected me to be perfect, but I thought I could make them more proud by being The homecoming queen, winning races, being "pretty and nice all the time"...but it's not true.  My dad loves when I win races and he may be proud of me, but he still loves me if I never run another day in my life. I am my parents child...and their love for me is constant. Jesus' love is the same!!! He looks down on me and sees his child...who he died for. I want to live him back and right now I know I'm not giving him my all. I still live in fear of social situations at church, eating cause I may "get fat.", or even hanging out with other Christian friends cause of the whole food issue.

Lord,  I look up and I realize how far I am from where you are. You gave me life worth dying for. But between the altar and the door, I bought the lies that promised more...here I go again.
Lord, I know I let you down. But somehow I will make you proud. I will turn this sinking ship back around to you.
All my good deeds and my good name are just filthy rags that tear and strain to cover my sins that you already washed away.
You're all I ever wanted. You're all I ever needed. And all you ever wanted...was my heart.

I don't know why my disorder started..I don't know why I can't "let it go", and I don't know why God has keep me able to function and live and run like I do for the 10yrs I've had it...however, I am grateful. I am grateful for the treatment I am getting. It may be at as nails pace recovery, but like I said before....Jesus doesn't care how fast or slow I run. He just wants me running to him. I will finish the race and see him and say Thank you father!

Psalm 105:4 seek The Lord and his strength, and his fave forever more.