HIS love never fails

It's been a while since I have blogged. I have lots that I've been wanting to journal about. Thanksgiving was awesome! It was the best one I've had since high school! I have sooo much to be thankful for. My husband and I drove to VA and ate at my parents house with all the family. My husband has never had my Mom's cooking. He loved it! So do I(just afraid to eat it)! I don't restrict too much at all! I got a little of everything I wanted. I sat beside my husband and my niece...thinking "Thank you father."  That night I even ate dinner! In yrs past, I always ate dessert., but that was considered dinner as well! I ate 2 slices of pie too! It was truly a Thanksgiving feast for me! As I was eating my food looking around at the family around me I began to think. I thought about how if I was bigger than I am now and ate more...would my family care? I sure don't care if they gain weight!! I love seeing my family enjoy food. I looked at my husband and remembered that he didn't marry me cause of my size. My family doesn't love me for my size either. Nor does my Heavenly Father!! God smiled on me that day I believe...I treated my temple the way he wants me to daily.
  Although I have had many gains, I guess I'm not getting better at the rate the treatment team wants me to. I had to meet with the treatment team again and talk about my progress. They said they have noticed great gains, but are worried about my health. They know I have been dealing with this for almost 10 yrs now, and are afraid that my body will not be able to take it much longer. I've not thrown up in over 9 weeks, but I'm still not eating near enough for what I need. My nutritionist says that I truly am a miracle that I'm alive. I know God  truly has given me grace. My body has adapted to "this crazy way I live". I really can't lose weight even if I tried. However, I should be way smaller than I am...I really should be dead. But, God is a God of second chances. I guess in my case, many, many chances. Anyways, the team decided that I need to go to inpatient...no more excuses.
    "I can't go to inpatient!! I have a job! I can't go to inpatient cause my family would know(hadn't told them anything..they don't need to worry. I can't go to inpatient because I will get fat and not be able to run!!!!!! Well...I am. I will be spending a month in inpatient.  They wanted me to go the day I get off for Christmas break and stay a month! I cried until I could cry no more. I can't spend Christmas in a "hospital." I love my family too much! I just got married! I have two precious nieces that mean too much to me! What about my mom, dad, and two brothers!? I haven't seen my little brother since Sep!!! He is the  one that has been pushing me(tough love) through all this. And what about my husband?!?!? No way can I leave him!  I need him!!!!!  I dreamed about it, I cried about it, I restricted am because  of it, and I almost binged and purged due to it. It was hurting me to even think of. Not being home for Christmas.  How could being in the hospital during my favorite time of yr help my recovery!?  I knew it would only worsen due to it, but nobody seemed to listen. However, God did!!! I am now going the day after!! Thank you lord!!
   Inpatient will probably be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I better take lots of Kleenex, my journal, and my Bible. The 1st 5 days I'm there, I can't talk to anyone. I cant go on the outings with the group...just sit and think .  Each morning we wake up , our vitals /weight checked , then head to bfast at 7:30. Then we go to a  "thought for the day" meditation  time.  After that we go to our first class.   The classes will be similar to outpatient(nutrition,  art therapy, life skills,  proces, which is just group therapy, and  other classes. We have snack at 10. Then another class.  Lunch at 12:00. Then another class. Snack at 3, then another class. Supper is at 5.  Then we have  another class. Our last snack at 8:00.  We have some down time in the evenings. How on Earth I am going to eat that often I have no idea!!!!  My stomach hurts majorly with what I am eating now.  Sometimes I am so full, I can't breathe good even. The good thing is that my 1st day there I will get a test done that will show the dietician my metabolism . Mine is probably the same as a snail said my nutritionist here. It's why I can't lose one pd anymore cause my body holds on to every morsel of food! The meal plan is written specifically for you. You get to pick from choices each day and they make your meal exactly for what you need. I will start out slow and gradually increase each week.
 Last week at our "gentle eating meal in outpatient, I lost it!! We were having spaghetti(use to be in my top 5 fav foods). We also had salad, bread,, and ice cream. They brought my  out to me. I looked at it. I cried and cried! I was terrified!  It was just WAY too much food! We don't have to eat it in outpatient, but in inpatient I do! That's why I cried. I knew I would have to in a week!! It also made me sooo sad and frustrated. Spaghetti night use to be my favorite night of the week in h.s. And college. It was my "running fuel" the days before a race. Now I look at it like it's snakes!!!! It will make you fat. I  realized that night I need help..lots!
Going into inpatient for me is like going to war. I am totally going to have to surrender. I can't run. I am told what and when and how much to eat. I can't even flush my own toilet!! Some days we go on outings which will consist of  surprise restaurant meals, or to a grocery store to learn new things. We sometimes cook out own dinner according to what we need. I know it will be sooo good and informative. I love health and nutrition and  want to learn more so I can not only help myself, but my husband, and hopefully our children(if God allows). I know being so obsessed about calories, fat, and health got me in this mess though. I don't know the last time I didn't about those things. It is mentally exhausting!!! My goals for treatment are:
1. Give God my WHOLE life....I can give him everything but ED.
2. Learn what my body needs day to day.
3. Learn how to fuel my body correctly when I run.
4.  Be able to eat anywhere at anytime.
5. Be ok with eating desserts during the day if I want...not just at 8:00(only ok if then right now).
6. Think that there is no "bad foods."
7.  To be ok with being bigger.
8.  Not run if I don't feel like it.
9. Be ok with eating if I don't run.
10. See myself as my MY FATHER does!

James 1:2 consider it pure joy when you face trials because you know that the testing of your faith develops purseverance.