O' how HE loves us!

Inpatient was an experience I will never forget. I am soooo thankful that I was able to go! I was unreal scared to go, but by the end of my stay I wanted to stay longer!!! :) God showed me sooo much while I was there.  From the time I arrived and they said my roommate was Hannah(who was saved and loved the Lord), I thought "Wow! God you are sooo good. Hannah is the name I want to name my baby girl one day. The last ten years I have felt like Hannah. I long for a baby more than anyone I know. I didn't understand why God "didn't want me to get married." He did! It was just in HIS timing. I learned alot about HIS timing while in inpatient. I know that for the last ten yrs of my life, it hasn't played out at all how I wanted. I would've gotten married 6 years ago and had 4 children by now....but God had other plans. I am now at peace with my life. I still long for a baby named Hannah, but right now I am enjoying my new life and taking it day by day....He has a perfect plan for my husband and me....It will be perfect regardless.

My hope is built on nothing else then Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in Jesus' name.

John 14:13 says "You can ask for nothing in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father."

I  have God for sooo many things in my life and I my list is too long to write. However, even if He didn't answer the way I wanted, he answered....and I must remember His way is best!

All the women in inpatient were amazing. We became so close! We shared things in Process (group therapy) that nobody else knows. We were a super close family.  We learned on each other for strength and encouragement. I pray while I was there that I made a difference in some of their lives. I know that some of them weren't saved. It broke my heart because I believe that in order to defeat ED, you have to surrender it to God. When my roommate Hannah left, I got moved to another room. My roommate was unsaved. She saw my binder and saw that I had 26 verses for running( 1 verse for each mile I run in a marathon). She asked me to write some of them down for her. I cherished the time that we got to talk about God. I hope I planted a seed in her and that one day,  if not already she asked Jesus to come into her heart. Another lady asked me what does "fearfully and wonderfully made mean?" Fearfully and wonderfully made is my affrimation (an I can or I am statement we had to say over and over while there). It was neat getting to tell her about that. I pray she believes it! I met one lady that will be forever my friend. She was in outpatient with me for a couple months and then she left one week before me to go inpatient. I know God had it that way because He knew I needed the comfort knowing that she would be there. I saw a change in her that only God can do! She gave her ed to God and is thriving!

The first 5 days of inpatient was hard...very hard! I couldn't talk on the phone or go on any of the outings. I had a VERY hard time sitting and eating and sitting and eating and sitting and eating....
I didn't have my husband to say "I love you," or my little brother to say"You can do this!" However, I did have my Bible and God....and HE is ALL I need.  It was a time in my life that I got to spend so much time in His word and just meditating.

We ate 6 times a day at inpatient. I didn't each 3 before, much less 6!!! We had 3 meals and 3 snacks. Each Monday we had a "gentle eating meal." Gentle eating was NOT gentle! I failed each one at outpatient. We had to sit in a room listening to classical music, no talking, a 3 course meal that we had no clue what was going to be served, and had to "pass the test" eating. The tech would read nutrition facts about our meal while we ate and filled out our food and feelings paper.  The paper talked about how we felt, what we were thinking, what we wanted to do at that moment, and what we chose to do instead. Most of the time I wrote I want to run away and eat "my safe foods." But by my 3rd gentle eating meal, I had NO problem at all! It was seen as food-nourishment. I loved it! :)
Each week we also went to a restaurant to eat,  a cooking night, and we went grocery shopping together. We also go to go to fun outings on weekends. I made lots of good memories while I was there. I loved the dietician....she is the one that I believe helped me the most. I cried when I had to tell her bye because of how much she had taught me and changed my life. She has been an incredible influence to so many on not only on how to eat, but how to treat your body the way God wants.

The last weekend I was there was family weekend. I was super excited because I was going home on that Friday....at least I thought. However, my husband said that he was going to come to family weekend and that he wanted me to do a week of partial inpatient before coming home! WHAT?!? I was furious! However, even though I was upset he spent ALOT of money coming to family weekend, I knew it was out of love and it was worth every penny! It changed our relationship. We were able to talk about things that probably never would have been said if I went home. My ed has affected our marriage ALOT....and hurts me. However, I know that is has also brought us closer and it also brought us closer to God.  My husband didn't tell me until the ride home that my insurance ran out on day 2! My insurance said I didn't need inpatient. The cost of inpatient without insurance is unreal expensive, and he told them we may even go bankrupt, but to let me stay and not to tell me! That is soooo him.....he loves me more than I deserve! Thankfully, we didn't go bankrupt, but we got richer!  Our love for each other is richer, our communication is better(I held everything in), and my relationship with my Father is much richer! God took me through the desert, but he never left me! He walked with me daily while I was there. He sat right beside of me with every meal, and showed me that I am worthy! I am HIS! I am truly FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY Made!!! :)

O' How he loves us. O' how he loves us. How he loves us ALL.

We can trust our God
 He knows what He's doing.
Though it might hurt now, we won't be ruined.
It might seem there's an ocean in between, but He's holding onto you and me.
He's never gonna leave...He is with us-ALWAYS!