Freedom

I remember the crippling shame all too well. Growing up, people knew me as “the good  girl” who always smiled and stayed out of trouble. I was in the top of my class, excelled in sports, and blessed with anything a child could want.  My life was perfect they thought. On the outside, my life appeared to be in order.However, behind closed doors my life was nothing but a rollercoaster I wanted off of. I remember always being so anxious everyday I was home. Would today be a good day or a bad day? Every sound made me jump. I remember thinking why don’t they just divorce! Life would be so much better! I remember clinging to my dads legs begging him not to leave. I remember even sitting at my high school homecoming and my dad was drunk(which was only 3 times to my knowledges my whole life). I remember my mom literally spanking me until I couldn’t sit down. I remember her outrage anger. I remember her chasing me, throwing whatever she could at me, or just yelling and more yelling. But putting on the perfect face for all to see. We were that perfect family my mom would be so upset if you embarrass her. Perfection... I was that kid who didn’t care about being #1. I didn’t care about my apperence(I mean I had two bros so really who would). I would rather be climbing trees. I wasnt out to impress boys or anyone...but heaven forbid me not to look perfect in  her eyes.  But yet, I love my dad and my mom crazy amounts. They did the best they could. They raised 3 children the absolute best they could.  They loved us more than any parent could I feel like. Proud is an understatement when it comes to them. 
     I am such a daddy’s girl. Maybe it’s becusse he seriously was the best dad. He was the one coloring with me, playing board games with me, always the one who would put in hrs to help my bro and I succeed at sports. He spent every bonus he had on us. He never spanked us one time. He sold his new truck so my bro could get his Jeep. I have more precious memories with my dad than my mom. But yet, so much pain was caused by him. How can you love some one so much but they cause you so much pain? Well, Jesus does. I’ve caused hik his life for my sin yet he loves me unconditionally. 
Until marriage I never knew how much my parents influenced me for the good and bad.
-Why wasn’t my mom ther efoe me when I needed her? Too embarrassed? Why? 
-Why couldn’t she accept my dads love? 
-Why couldn’t they just get along? -Why wasn they like a good Christian family?...sin. That’s why! We live in a sinful world. Until I realized I was sinning when I hurt my body, I thought that it’s somehing that I didn’t cause. It’s genetics to be more likely ocd, depressed, and end up with an ed. That may be true(I don’t know), but it doesn’t make it ok. I can’t hurt my body when people hurt me. I can’t hurt my body when I’m angry, get my feelings hurt or just don’t feel good about myself. I have to give it to God. That’s freedom. 
 I have a very hard time loving D like I want to, like he deserves, and like how my mind plays it out. I’ve learned I don’t know how to love. I never heard my mom/dad say those two words. I never saw them kiss. D grew up in a family that was pretty perfect. His parents never yelled and they were absolute best friends. Sometimes I feel like D would be better off without me and that he deserves a woman that loves him like he deserves. But God put us together and we cling to that. God put my parents together. My parents are an example of love never fails...they have been married 38 yrs. There marriage isn’t perfect by any means but I have seen God do so much I’m their life. I’m thankful that they never did break that covenant they made with God. I pray my girls say that their parents were so in love it was embarrassing! Lol I pray that they see what I saw at my friends house. I pray that they wait as long as it takes to find the one God has for them. It is worth it. I pray that most of all that they realize that no one will love them like Jesus. No one. 
This new yr is a yr I am so excited about! They say it takes 5 yr to recover and I finally made it to that point! I can say I am free! Free indeed! -Free from the bitterness, anger, and pain from the past. -Free from trying to meet everyone’s expectations. 
I can say that I have been recovered for 5 yrs now..and free from chains for 5 yrs as well. 
-Free from Satan’s lies -Free from fear foods -Free from rituals/ocd 
-Free from “having to run.” -Free from calorie counting -Free from caring what people think about me -Free from weight gain  And so much more! This is going to be a great yr! 

I never thought I’d get here. Never. I never thought I’d get here without meds. I wanted to give up many times. Dr after dr said I never would never get better without medication. But I knew that if God has everything in his word that we need to be “anxious for nothing..” I believe it! I believe Phil 4:13, Most of all I believe that Christ died for me and that one day I will get to thank him for the work he has done in my life these past 5 yrs. 
Bring on the new yr! This yr is a yr to love each day full of joy, full of fun, and full of ice cream and sprinkles! God is good.