Sweet life..

I loved baking as a kid. There is something magical about mixing up ingredients, putting them into the oven and having the sweet smell fill up the house and finally tasting it. My mom is a VERY good cook. Her recipes have won competitons even. But, my mom never let me help much in the kitchen that I remember and when I did, she seemed to not want to give up control. My dad was too afraid of messes. But, then there was my Mamaw(my mom’s mom)My fav person ever!! She lived 1/4 mile from us. She was the heart of our family. She ALWAYS let me help. She would even say “how will you learn if you don’t try.” I learned soooo much from her. I learned how to make cornbread, soup beans, homemade biscuits, homemade apple butter, apple stack cake, sourdough bread, and even how to make my Frosted Flakes even sweeter(cause you need more sugar on them she would say). My Mamaw taught me how to sew. The quilts she made, she was offered a lot of money but she always said she wasn’t selling them but making them for family. My Mamaw taught me so much about working in the garden. We had a 2 acre garden and she taught me so much about how to be the best gardener. Even more than cooking, baking, and sewing she taught me that God comes first. She would always read her Bible before bed. Always! I never saw my parents read their Bible(doesn’t mean they didn’t cause they know the Bible well). I remember almost every single day in the summer I would run by her house and she would be outside and “cheer” for me. I have more memories with her than I do anyone. When she got Alzheimer’s, we were determined to not put her in a nursing home. So, when it go really bad she lived  with us for a while but that led to even more confusion. So...I became her “Dr.” All summer long I lived with her and took care of her. I made sure she ate, had her medicine, and of course our nightly routine of Wheel of Fortune. I could say some hilarious stories about that time but also some of the saddest time as well. My Mamaw was my favorite person in the world to me.
I never realized how much she influenced me until she was gone. That’s when the disorder got really bad. It was my freshman yr of college. My Mamaw died. How would I make it? I remember playing my trumpet at her funeral and it was so hard not to just break down. I actually did break down when it was time to leave her...I lost it. Even typing this makes me cry. I miss her every single day of my life. She was like my mom, my best best friend and more. When we were at Focus we had to mke a timeline of our “eating disorder history.” I didn’t realize until then that I lost my Mamaw, my uncle, my aunt(mamas sister and best friend) in 6 months. My great aunt and uncle lived 1/4 mile from my Mamaw. They grieved for her I believe. I did too. Then that same yr my little bro became deathly ill, I was 2.5 hrs away and in my first yr of teaching(which was stressful enough).
I feel like I couldn’t handle all that was happening. I’ve learned the past 5 yrs that even though I know scripture, I don’t LIVE it. If I lived it, then I may have not went down the road to and would know how to deal with the pain. I wasn’t starving only to be skinny. Eating disorders ARE NOT all about being thin. I was starving because I hurt. I was starving because I wanted love. I’ve learned through marriage I have NO idea what love is. None. It’s something I’ve wanted my whole life and I do believe now I got it....but didn’t receive it. I felt like love was earned. Ummm. No. Love is a free gift that is the best gift Jesus gave. He is stage definition of true love. His love has kept me “above water” these last 5 yrs. His love is truly all I’ve had in many times in my life. His love was seen In my Mamaw. Every single day she lived. I’m crying again just tying this. But I’m some ways, it’s happy tears cause I know I will see her again. Until then...my desire is to be an influence like her. I also want to perfect all the recipes I have of hers cause I truly believe her recipes are as good and sweet as a taste of Heaven itself.