Well, I just got home from inpatient. I was there for a month. I left the day after Christmas....so first I want to write about how awesome Christmas was. It was my first Christmas married and I was beyond devastated when I was told I need to go the day I get off work and stay all Christmas break and more. No way!! I cried so many tears off that, that I'm surprised I still have any tears left!! Christmas for me was my favorite holiday. It's the celebration of birth of Christ!! I have a husband I want to be with, two precious little nieces (5 and 1), two brothers, and my parents. You can't take me away from them! However, after many tears we all decided it's best. We could celebrate Christmas after I got out. I felt like I was ruining everyone's Christmas! My nieces would not understand why their (favorite, haha) aunt wasn't there. My husband would be all alone as well!!! However, God somehow worked it out that I would be able to go the day after. He heard my request and allowed it to work out. God is able. So Christmas was awesome as it always is. I spent Christmas Eve with my in laws. I truly thank God for them. We had such a great time. My favorite part was sitting by the fire reading the Christmas story together. My father in law is a pastor and I just look to him in so many ways. He has been such a great help through all of this. They got us an ice cream maker !! Perfect !! :) Then we headed home to my parents to spend the night. It was a great road trip talking to my husband, but I knew my heart was heavy because time was coming to an end with us temporarily.
Christmas Eve my mom and I made all our Christmas candy and we watched a great Christmas movie as a family. It really enjoyed seeing my " little" brother too. I look at him and think God is able .
Christmas morning I woke up and went running. I ran 8 miles...but I wanted to run until my legs fell off. I knew it would be the last time I world be running until after I get home. My compulsion to run that morning showed me once again, I do need help. After my fun, I got ready to spend the best Cheistmas of my life with the ones I love most. Words can't express how thankful I am for my family. I loved sitting by my husband and seeing him open presents. I loved seeing my little 1 yr old niece open hers. As I was opening the gifts , I looked around and thought about how good God is. He is the ultimate gift.
I hated leaving that evening for thousands of reasons. The #1 reason was because I knew it meant I would be able to see or talk to them for a month. I couldn't talk my moms leftovers or any if the Christmas candy we made, or even really enjoy my Christmas presents because I had to go back home and pack for inpatient. While we drove back I played mind games with myself and told myself I really didn't need it. I really could stop on my own. I would just eat more and run less. I could do it!! However, I knew deep down that only God is able.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Friday, December 20, 2013
HIS love never fails
It's been a while since I have blogged. I have lots that I've been wanting to journal about. Thanksgiving was awesome! It was the best one I've had since high school! I have sooo much to be thankful for. My husband and I drove to VA and ate at my parents house with all the family. My husband has never had my Mom's cooking. He loved it! So do I(just afraid to eat it)! I don't restrict too much at all! I got a little of everything I wanted. I sat beside my husband and my niece...thinking "Thank you father." That night I even ate dinner! In yrs past, I always ate dessert., but that was considered dinner as well! I ate 2 slices of pie too! It was truly a Thanksgiving feast for me! As I was eating my food looking around at the family around me I began to think. I thought about how if I was bigger than I am now and ate more...would my family care? I sure don't care if they gain weight!! I love seeing my family enjoy food. I looked at my husband and remembered that he didn't marry me cause of my size. My family doesn't love me for my size either. Nor does my Heavenly Father!! God smiled on me that day I believe...I treated my temple the way he wants me to daily.
Although I have had many gains, I guess I'm not getting better at the rate the treatment team wants me to. I had to meet with the treatment team again and talk about my progress. They said they have noticed great gains, but are worried about my health. They know I have been dealing with this for almost 10 yrs now, and are afraid that my body will not be able to take it much longer. I've not thrown up in over 9 weeks, but I'm still not eating near enough for what I need. My nutritionist says that I truly am a miracle that I'm alive. I know God truly has given me grace. My body has adapted to "this crazy way I live". I really can't lose weight even if I tried. However, I should be way smaller than I am...I really should be dead. But, God is a God of second chances. I guess in my case, many, many chances. Anyways, the team decided that I need to go to inpatient...no more excuses.
"I can't go to inpatient!! I have a job! I can't go to inpatient cause my family would know(hadn't told them anything..they don't need to worry. I can't go to inpatient because I will get fat and not be able to run!!!!!! Well...I am. I will be spending a month in inpatient. They wanted me to go the day I get off for Christmas break and stay a month! I cried until I could cry no more. I can't spend Christmas in a "hospital." I love my family too much! I just got married! I have two precious nieces that mean too much to me! What about my mom, dad, and two brothers!? I haven't seen my little brother since Sep!!! He is the one that has been pushing me(tough love) through all this. And what about my husband?!?!? No way can I leave him! I need him!!!!! I dreamed about it, I cried about it, I restricted am because of it, and I almost binged and purged due to it. It was hurting me to even think of. Not being home for Christmas. How could being in the hospital during my favorite time of yr help my recovery!? I knew it would only worsen due to it, but nobody seemed to listen. However, God did!!! I am now going the day after!! Thank you lord!!
Inpatient will probably be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I better take lots of Kleenex, my journal, and my Bible. The 1st 5 days I'm there, I can't talk to anyone. I cant go on the outings with the group...just sit and think . Each morning we wake up , our vitals /weight checked , then head to bfast at 7:30. Then we go to a "thought for the day" meditation time. After that we go to our first class. The classes will be similar to outpatient(nutrition, art therapy, life skills, proces, which is just group therapy, and other classes. We have snack at 10. Then another class. Lunch at 12:00. Then another class. Snack at 3, then another class. Supper is at 5. Then we have another class. Our last snack at 8:00. We have some down time in the evenings. How on Earth I am going to eat that often I have no idea!!!! My stomach hurts majorly with what I am eating now. Sometimes I am so full, I can't breathe good even. The good thing is that my 1st day there I will get a test done that will show the dietician my metabolism . Mine is probably the same as a snail said my nutritionist here. It's why I can't lose one pd anymore cause my body holds on to every morsel of food! The meal plan is written specifically for you. You get to pick from choices each day and they make your meal exactly for what you need. I will start out slow and gradually increase each week.
Last week at our "gentle eating meal in outpatient, I lost it!! We were having spaghetti(use to be in my top 5 fav foods). We also had salad, bread,, and ice cream. They brought my out to me. I looked at it. I cried and cried! I was terrified! It was just WAY too much food! We don't have to eat it in outpatient, but in inpatient I do! That's why I cried. I knew I would have to in a week!! It also made me sooo sad and frustrated. Spaghetti night use to be my favorite night of the week in h.s. And college. It was my "running fuel" the days before a race. Now I look at it like it's snakes!!!! It will make you fat. I realized that night I need help..lots!
Going into inpatient for me is like going to war. I am totally going to have to surrender. I can't run. I am told what and when and how much to eat. I can't even flush my own toilet!! Some days we go on outings which will consist of surprise restaurant meals, or to a grocery store to learn new things. We sometimes cook out own dinner according to what we need. I know it will be sooo good and informative. I love health and nutrition and want to learn more so I can not only help myself, but my husband, and hopefully our children(if God allows). I know being so obsessed about calories, fat, and health got me in this mess though. I don't know the last time I didn't about those things. It is mentally exhausting!!! My goals for treatment are:
1. Give God my WHOLE life....I can give him everything but ED.
2. Learn what my body needs day to day.
3. Learn how to fuel my body correctly when I run.
4. Be able to eat anywhere at anytime.
5. Be ok with eating desserts during the day if I want...not just at 8:00(only ok if then right now).
6. Think that there is no "bad foods."
7. To be ok with being bigger.
8. Not run if I don't feel like it.
9. Be ok with eating if I don't run.
10. See myself as my MY FATHER does!
James 1:2 consider it pure joy when you face trials because you know that the testing of your faith develops purseverance.
Although I have had many gains, I guess I'm not getting better at the rate the treatment team wants me to. I had to meet with the treatment team again and talk about my progress. They said they have noticed great gains, but are worried about my health. They know I have been dealing with this for almost 10 yrs now, and are afraid that my body will not be able to take it much longer. I've not thrown up in over 9 weeks, but I'm still not eating near enough for what I need. My nutritionist says that I truly am a miracle that I'm alive. I know God truly has given me grace. My body has adapted to "this crazy way I live". I really can't lose weight even if I tried. However, I should be way smaller than I am...I really should be dead. But, God is a God of second chances. I guess in my case, many, many chances. Anyways, the team decided that I need to go to inpatient...no more excuses.
"I can't go to inpatient!! I have a job! I can't go to inpatient cause my family would know(hadn't told them anything..they don't need to worry. I can't go to inpatient because I will get fat and not be able to run!!!!!! Well...I am. I will be spending a month in inpatient. They wanted me to go the day I get off for Christmas break and stay a month! I cried until I could cry no more. I can't spend Christmas in a "hospital." I love my family too much! I just got married! I have two precious nieces that mean too much to me! What about my mom, dad, and two brothers!? I haven't seen my little brother since Sep!!! He is the one that has been pushing me(tough love) through all this. And what about my husband?!?!? No way can I leave him! I need him!!!!! I dreamed about it, I cried about it, I restricted am because of it, and I almost binged and purged due to it. It was hurting me to even think of. Not being home for Christmas. How could being in the hospital during my favorite time of yr help my recovery!? I knew it would only worsen due to it, but nobody seemed to listen. However, God did!!! I am now going the day after!! Thank you lord!!
Inpatient will probably be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I better take lots of Kleenex, my journal, and my Bible. The 1st 5 days I'm there, I can't talk to anyone. I cant go on the outings with the group...just sit and think . Each morning we wake up , our vitals /weight checked , then head to bfast at 7:30. Then we go to a "thought for the day" meditation time. After that we go to our first class. The classes will be similar to outpatient(nutrition, art therapy, life skills, proces, which is just group therapy, and other classes. We have snack at 10. Then another class. Lunch at 12:00. Then another class. Snack at 3, then another class. Supper is at 5. Then we have another class. Our last snack at 8:00. We have some down time in the evenings. How on Earth I am going to eat that often I have no idea!!!! My stomach hurts majorly with what I am eating now. Sometimes I am so full, I can't breathe good even. The good thing is that my 1st day there I will get a test done that will show the dietician my metabolism . Mine is probably the same as a snail said my nutritionist here. It's why I can't lose one pd anymore cause my body holds on to every morsel of food! The meal plan is written specifically for you. You get to pick from choices each day and they make your meal exactly for what you need. I will start out slow and gradually increase each week.
Last week at our "gentle eating meal in outpatient, I lost it!! We were having spaghetti(use to be in my top 5 fav foods). We also had salad, bread,, and ice cream. They brought my out to me. I looked at it. I cried and cried! I was terrified! It was just WAY too much food! We don't have to eat it in outpatient, but in inpatient I do! That's why I cried. I knew I would have to in a week!! It also made me sooo sad and frustrated. Spaghetti night use to be my favorite night of the week in h.s. And college. It was my "running fuel" the days before a race. Now I look at it like it's snakes!!!! It will make you fat. I realized that night I need help..lots!
Going into inpatient for me is like going to war. I am totally going to have to surrender. I can't run. I am told what and when and how much to eat. I can't even flush my own toilet!! Some days we go on outings which will consist of surprise restaurant meals, or to a grocery store to learn new things. We sometimes cook out own dinner according to what we need. I know it will be sooo good and informative. I love health and nutrition and want to learn more so I can not only help myself, but my husband, and hopefully our children(if God allows). I know being so obsessed about calories, fat, and health got me in this mess though. I don't know the last time I didn't about those things. It is mentally exhausting!!! My goals for treatment are:
1. Give God my WHOLE life....I can give him everything but ED.
2. Learn what my body needs day to day.
3. Learn how to fuel my body correctly when I run.
4. Be able to eat anywhere at anytime.
5. Be ok with eating desserts during the day if I want...not just at 8:00(only ok if then right now).
6. Think that there is no "bad foods."
7. To be ok with being bigger.
8. Not run if I don't feel like it.
9. Be ok with eating if I don't run.
10. See myself as my MY FATHER does!
James 1:2 consider it pure joy when you face trials because you know that the testing of your faith develops purseverance.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Much to be thankful for!
I haven't posted in a while due to the business. I can't believe that it's almost Dec.!! I have been at the treatment center now for 6 weeks. I can't believe it's been that long. After every six weeks, you meet with the whole treatment team (15 people) . Six weeks is also when you are allowed to petition to drop a class. I know I have gained sooo much mental strength lately. I have been able to turn my negative thoughts around more and think more rationally. I give Jesus ALL the credit for that! I think of him when I become stressed, or anxious. I also have been using some of the techniques I've learned in treatment. Anyways, so I met with my psychologist and she agreed that I was ready to drop a class. She's seen a lot of improvement too. I was so excited. Dropping the class would mean I get to spend 2 days a week at home! I filled out all the paperwork that it required and walked into the room thinking "I'm doing great!" However, that's not at all how it went.
The treatment team threw me for a loop and told me that I needed to go inpatient!!!! What?!? I was not expecting that AT ALL!! They said I was very encouraging, participate, and do everything that is expected, but that I wasn't do well at all eating. Crushed is an understatement! I cried. They wanted me to sign a paper that said that I would only run 3 miles a day! 3 miles?!? Who runs 3 miles and is good? They think my running is too big of a crutch for me and is hurting my disorder. I can see their point, but none of them are runners. I know what it takes to be good. I like being fast and competitive. It's the talent The Lord gave me and I love using it. So, the agreement was that I would begin eating lots more. My nutritionist said I was negative everyday. I didn't agree...
After that meeting, I was soo down. I cried and cried. How much do they expect me to eat?!? My nutritionist gave me a meal plan to follow(it is made specifically for me), but it just seems like too much food!
That night I was looking for an app that helps with nutrition. I found myfitnesspal. So, I put the food in I ate that day and what I ran and it was then I realized how sick I was....I was way negative!! I haven't been getting any calories in probably over 5-7 yrs! My nutritionist said that I am not losing weight cause my body has adapted and it clings to every calorie. My metabolism is probably as slow as a snail!!
So, I decided the next morning to "jump right in." I gave the day to The Lord and asked him to give me strength. I ate 3 meals and ice cream!! I've done it for a week!! My husband took away my scales(which almost made me have a panic attack), but by the end of the week, I was ok. I am eating healthy and I feel good..and it pleases God that I am taking care of my body.
The next Monday I met with my dietician again....it was weigh in day. Nervous was an understatement. She weighed me backwards...and amazingly I haven't changed at all. It is proven that your body can starve and be the same weight as when you feed it. I feel full and my stomach even hurts sometimes cause it's not use to so much food, but I know it will go away. My nutritionist is slowing going to increase my food intake weekly. I know she knows what she is doing and I trust her. I've really enjoyed eating. I don't have any guilt or feel bad. I look forward to meals. I have a long way to go mentally and eating wise, but I am getting there with the help of my treatment center, my little brother, my husband, and mostly Gods strength!
Through this process I have leaned how I use food as a coping mechanism. If something goes wrong..it makes me want to binge/purge(which I haven't done in 7 weeks!). If I feel down or angry I want to restrict. I've seen it happen way too many times. It's in those times, I have to look to god to make the rift decision for my body. I will overcome this...cause with HIM ALL things are possible!
Lord, make me broken so I can be healed. I am so calloused I cannot feel.
I want to run to you with a heart wide open.
Make me empty so I can be filled.
Cause I am still holding onto my will.
Make me lonely so I can be yours.
So I want no one more than you Lord.
Cause in the darkness, I know you will hold me.
Thanksgiving is almost here and it has always been one of the hardest holidays for me. I love, love, love my family...but I am terrified of the food! However, this yr I am not as scared. I am going to eat what I want, and enjoy the fellowship with the ones I love. My mom works sooo hard preparing the meal. I love being in the kitchen with her and helping. It is memories that I will never forget. My mom is the best cook here on this Earth. For the first Thanksgiving in a long time, I have decided to enjoy every bite and try not to "count calories." It's one day out of the year when I can enjoy my moms cooking. Sooo many people would love to have the food that are truly hungry and I am going to be grateful we have way too much food to eat. I don't want to regret not eating it...God gave us food to nourish our bodies...and I will do just that!
In everything give thanks...this is the will of God! :)
The treatment team threw me for a loop and told me that I needed to go inpatient!!!! What?!? I was not expecting that AT ALL!! They said I was very encouraging, participate, and do everything that is expected, but that I wasn't do well at all eating. Crushed is an understatement! I cried. They wanted me to sign a paper that said that I would only run 3 miles a day! 3 miles?!? Who runs 3 miles and is good? They think my running is too big of a crutch for me and is hurting my disorder. I can see their point, but none of them are runners. I know what it takes to be good. I like being fast and competitive. It's the talent The Lord gave me and I love using it. So, the agreement was that I would begin eating lots more. My nutritionist said I was negative everyday. I didn't agree...
After that meeting, I was soo down. I cried and cried. How much do they expect me to eat?!? My nutritionist gave me a meal plan to follow(it is made specifically for me), but it just seems like too much food!
That night I was looking for an app that helps with nutrition. I found myfitnesspal. So, I put the food in I ate that day and what I ran and it was then I realized how sick I was....I was way negative!! I haven't been getting any calories in probably over 5-7 yrs! My nutritionist said that I am not losing weight cause my body has adapted and it clings to every calorie. My metabolism is probably as slow as a snail!!
So, I decided the next morning to "jump right in." I gave the day to The Lord and asked him to give me strength. I ate 3 meals and ice cream!! I've done it for a week!! My husband took away my scales(which almost made me have a panic attack), but by the end of the week, I was ok. I am eating healthy and I feel good..and it pleases God that I am taking care of my body.
The next Monday I met with my dietician again....it was weigh in day. Nervous was an understatement. She weighed me backwards...and amazingly I haven't changed at all. It is proven that your body can starve and be the same weight as when you feed it. I feel full and my stomach even hurts sometimes cause it's not use to so much food, but I know it will go away. My nutritionist is slowing going to increase my food intake weekly. I know she knows what she is doing and I trust her. I've really enjoyed eating. I don't have any guilt or feel bad. I look forward to meals. I have a long way to go mentally and eating wise, but I am getting there with the help of my treatment center, my little brother, my husband, and mostly Gods strength!
Through this process I have leaned how I use food as a coping mechanism. If something goes wrong..it makes me want to binge/purge(which I haven't done in 7 weeks!). If I feel down or angry I want to restrict. I've seen it happen way too many times. It's in those times, I have to look to god to make the rift decision for my body. I will overcome this...cause with HIM ALL things are possible!
Lord, make me broken so I can be healed. I am so calloused I cannot feel.
I want to run to you with a heart wide open.
Make me empty so I can be filled.
Cause I am still holding onto my will.
Make me lonely so I can be yours.
So I want no one more than you Lord.
Cause in the darkness, I know you will hold me.
Thanksgiving is almost here and it has always been one of the hardest holidays for me. I love, love, love my family...but I am terrified of the food! However, this yr I am not as scared. I am going to eat what I want, and enjoy the fellowship with the ones I love. My mom works sooo hard preparing the meal. I love being in the kitchen with her and helping. It is memories that I will never forget. My mom is the best cook here on this Earth. For the first Thanksgiving in a long time, I have decided to enjoy every bite and try not to "count calories." It's one day out of the year when I can enjoy my moms cooking. Sooo many people would love to have the food that are truly hungry and I am going to be grateful we have way too much food to eat. I don't want to regret not eating it...God gave us food to nourish our bodies...and I will do just that!
In everything give thanks...this is the will of God! :)
Monday, November 4, 2013
Healing takes time
Well, I have been so busy lately with work, treatment, and daily life I haven't had time to journal like I wish I could. I've been going to treatment for 3 weeks now. I actually like going now. On Mondays, I attend food and feelings class. We talk a lot about nutrition, our fears of certain foods, how to give our bodies the right nutrients and more. I really love the nutritionist. She is an athlete herself and helps with UT athletes! Every other Monday we have a meal together. Each girl/lady brings one item from each food group. Last time I brought homemade apple cider cupcakes. Of course I wouldn't eat them myself...but a few of the ladies did. It caused a lot of stress for some. We don't have to eat the food like you would at inpatient. After we eat, we discuss our thoughts about how we felt during the meal and after. We are really working on our hunger cues. The meals are fun...but they stress me out cause it's soo much food and I am not in control really of what we are having. We have to get weighed every 2 weeks. We have a one hr session with the nutritionist as well. We go over our food journals(I have to write down everything I eat everyday and my hunger scale and feelings each meal). My goal this past time was to eat breakfast twice in two weeks...I failed. :(
Tuesday class is Life skills. The topics vary each week and can even entail art projects or other therapy type skills. We use to have class on Wed, but it now is on Thursday(which I'm glad so I can go to church). Thursday is called Focus and we meet as a group with the therapist. Also, each week you have to meet with an outside therapist. I really enjoy mine. She is super nice (and loves Jesus)and I love her "Dr. Ordered prescriptions....I have to eat a milkshake every night! Haha
Once a month we have family night. I haven't told my family I'm seeking help due to the shame and the worry I already caused them yrs ago when I was dying from anorexia. I am "healthy...aka gained weight, so they think I'm fine). So family night for me is my husband. He is my biggest fan and cheerleader. I honestly thought when I told him I need help, he would fix me! He can't fix me, but he sure does help me!! He makes me feel like the princess God sees me as. He brings me back down to Earth when I am thinking irrational. He never has one time made me feel guilty from my sickness. He never one time has fussed at me from not eating enough and running so much. Nope..he gives me love, quotes scripture and hugs me for me. At times I feel overwhelmed with the love he gives me. It is hard to receive it. He loves me soo much that I don't know what to do with it. I am beyond thankful I waited for him. He is my rock and my prince I prayed for. My "little brother" also knows and he is the one who has always been there before I met my husband. He is my best friend and although he doesn't sugarcoat things to me..his tough love and encouragement makes me smile and push myself father than I think I can. I've seen him almost die from an unexplained illness...he fought and fought and now I must do the same. My brother is someone I look to in soo many ways. He may be "the baby" in out family...but he has actually been the stronghold of keeping out family together and showing us and so many others how to live for Christ.
Mentally, I have been doing well I think. I know I am not eating very well(not lost any weight though), but I have been using some of the techniques they teach to handle my anxiety and stress. When I am anxious and stressed it triggers me to want to binge and purge. But I am proud to say I haven't! Also, I have really been trying to focus on The one who matters most-Jesus!! My awesome husband tells me everyday to focus on "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Phil 4:8. I have always seemed to focus on the negative. I feel so down so many days cause I didn't do something right, or I let someone down, or I treated my body wrong....and so on. However, bringing myself down and thinking those thoughts doesn't help my recovery.
This past Sunday was communion. It was the first one I got to do with my husband so it was sweet. As I took of the bread and held it in my hand, I though of how Jesus took the cross, my sins...for me!!! And he took it for you! He loves me for me. Nothing I do in this life will make him love me more. I can win all the races I sign up for, make perfect scores on my teacher evaluation, and have the cleanest house and be the best wife I know how to be. However, his live still remains the same. He loves me for who I am now!! In therapy last week, they said "we accept the love we think we deserve." That really hit me hard. All my life I've felt like I had to earn love. My parents never expected me to be perfect, but I thought I could make them more proud by being The homecoming queen, winning races, being "pretty and nice all the time"...but it's not true. My dad loves when I win races and he may be proud of me, but he still loves me if I never run another day in my life. I am my parents child...and their love for me is constant. Jesus' love is the same!!! He looks down on me and sees his child...who he died for. I want to live him back and right now I know I'm not giving him my all. I still live in fear of social situations at church, eating cause I may "get fat.", or even hanging out with other Christian friends cause of the whole food issue.
Lord, I look up and I realize how far I am from where you are. You gave me life worth dying for. But between the altar and the door, I bought the lies that promised more...here I go again.
Lord, I know I let you down. But somehow I will make you proud. I will turn this sinking ship back around to you.
All my good deeds and my good name are just filthy rags that tear and strain to cover my sins that you already washed away.
You're all I ever wanted. You're all I ever needed. And all you ever wanted...was my heart.
I don't know why my disorder started..I don't know why I can't "let it go", and I don't know why God has keep me able to function and live and run like I do for the 10yrs I've had it...however, I am grateful. I am grateful for the treatment I am getting. It may be at as nails pace recovery, but like I said before....Jesus doesn't care how fast or slow I run. He just wants me running to him. I will finish the race and see him and say Thank you father!
Psalm 105:4 seek The Lord and his strength, and his fave forever more.
Tuesday class is Life skills. The topics vary each week and can even entail art projects or other therapy type skills. We use to have class on Wed, but it now is on Thursday(which I'm glad so I can go to church). Thursday is called Focus and we meet as a group with the therapist. Also, each week you have to meet with an outside therapist. I really enjoy mine. She is super nice (and loves Jesus)and I love her "Dr. Ordered prescriptions....I have to eat a milkshake every night! Haha
Once a month we have family night. I haven't told my family I'm seeking help due to the shame and the worry I already caused them yrs ago when I was dying from anorexia. I am "healthy...aka gained weight, so they think I'm fine). So family night for me is my husband. He is my biggest fan and cheerleader. I honestly thought when I told him I need help, he would fix me! He can't fix me, but he sure does help me!! He makes me feel like the princess God sees me as. He brings me back down to Earth when I am thinking irrational. He never has one time made me feel guilty from my sickness. He never one time has fussed at me from not eating enough and running so much. Nope..he gives me love, quotes scripture and hugs me for me. At times I feel overwhelmed with the love he gives me. It is hard to receive it. He loves me soo much that I don't know what to do with it. I am beyond thankful I waited for him. He is my rock and my prince I prayed for. My "little brother" also knows and he is the one who has always been there before I met my husband. He is my best friend and although he doesn't sugarcoat things to me..his tough love and encouragement makes me smile and push myself father than I think I can. I've seen him almost die from an unexplained illness...he fought and fought and now I must do the same. My brother is someone I look to in soo many ways. He may be "the baby" in out family...but he has actually been the stronghold of keeping out family together and showing us and so many others how to live for Christ.
Mentally, I have been doing well I think. I know I am not eating very well(not lost any weight though), but I have been using some of the techniques they teach to handle my anxiety and stress. When I am anxious and stressed it triggers me to want to binge and purge. But I am proud to say I haven't! Also, I have really been trying to focus on The one who matters most-Jesus!! My awesome husband tells me everyday to focus on "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Phil 4:8. I have always seemed to focus on the negative. I feel so down so many days cause I didn't do something right, or I let someone down, or I treated my body wrong....and so on. However, bringing myself down and thinking those thoughts doesn't help my recovery.
This past Sunday was communion. It was the first one I got to do with my husband so it was sweet. As I took of the bread and held it in my hand, I though of how Jesus took the cross, my sins...for me!!! And he took it for you! He loves me for me. Nothing I do in this life will make him love me more. I can win all the races I sign up for, make perfect scores on my teacher evaluation, and have the cleanest house and be the best wife I know how to be. However, his live still remains the same. He loves me for who I am now!! In therapy last week, they said "we accept the love we think we deserve." That really hit me hard. All my life I've felt like I had to earn love. My parents never expected me to be perfect, but I thought I could make them more proud by being The homecoming queen, winning races, being "pretty and nice all the time"...but it's not true. My dad loves when I win races and he may be proud of me, but he still loves me if I never run another day in my life. I am my parents child...and their love for me is constant. Jesus' love is the same!!! He looks down on me and sees his child...who he died for. I want to live him back and right now I know I'm not giving him my all. I still live in fear of social situations at church, eating cause I may "get fat.", or even hanging out with other Christian friends cause of the whole food issue.
Lord, I look up and I realize how far I am from where you are. You gave me life worth dying for. But between the altar and the door, I bought the lies that promised more...here I go again.
Lord, I know I let you down. But somehow I will make you proud. I will turn this sinking ship back around to you.
All my good deeds and my good name are just filthy rags that tear and strain to cover my sins that you already washed away.
You're all I ever wanted. You're all I ever needed. And all you ever wanted...was my heart.
I don't know why my disorder started..I don't know why I can't "let it go", and I don't know why God has keep me able to function and live and run like I do for the 10yrs I've had it...however, I am grateful. I am grateful for the treatment I am getting. It may be at as nails pace recovery, but like I said before....Jesus doesn't care how fast or slow I run. He just wants me running to him. I will finish the race and see him and say Thank you father!
Psalm 105:4 seek The Lord and his strength, and his fave forever more.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
The beginning
Today was the first day of treatment. I was unreal nervous all day long. However, I was excited a little because I know I one day closer to being happy and healthy. My husband picked me at 3:00 and we drove to the treatment center. My heart was racing the whole way! It was like I really was running a race. I do believe this race will be harder than any I've ever ran...even tougher than the marathons I've ran. When we got to the building to walk in...I started getting teary eyed due to fear. What will they think of me? What will they make me do?....I even stood at the door and told my husband I wasn't going in. I wouldn't have if I didn't have him with me!!! The people there were very welcoming. We got a tour and had a sign a TON of paperwork. I started getting overwhelmed. Then, when I signed the paper about the date I will exit...I cried. I had thought this whole time I would be done by Dec. But, I won't be done until mid Feb! I left sad cause I just don't know if I can do this..but I have an awesome husband and an amazing Father who will carry me when I can't go. God knew exactly the kind of husband I would need...I couldn't ask for more!!
My little brother is always trying to encourage me. At the lowest point of my day, he sent me a picture of a lady with jogging stroller with her baby about to go for a run. I want that!!! It's awful that as much as I want kids that I continue to do harm to my body. I know my body is a temple and The Lord has given me the ability to run like I do. I want to be able to run years and years from now. I'd love to be able to run with my grandchildren one day. But, I may not even be able to have children do to my sickness. And all I have to do is eat healthy, and not binge and purge! Sounds easy, but not for me.
As my psychologist appointment, she was asking about my family. I was telling her about my little brother and how I've seen God work a miracle in his life. About 5 try's ago he got really sick. No Dr could figure out what was wrong. We were told he had cancer, multiple times. He was told he had celiac disease, a tumor...and so many other things. However, no DR. Could figure out what it really was. We went all other country trying to seek the best help for him...but the Dr's told my mom we are sorry, we don't know. However, God did!!! Through the power of prayer and the healing hand of God, he was healed. He is now serving God at Virginia Tech and going to be a physical therapist. He wants to give others hope. I know he has given me so much encouragement over my life. I also know that the same God that healed my brother, can heal me!!
You O' lord are the one who conquers giants. You shut the mouth of lions.. You call the dead to breathe. You are the one who walks on fire. You take the orphans hands. So....I know Lord I can do this with you. Help me Lord see my worth in you. I am your child. Thank you...thank you. Thank you.
My little brother is always trying to encourage me. At the lowest point of my day, he sent me a picture of a lady with jogging stroller with her baby about to go for a run. I want that!!! It's awful that as much as I want kids that I continue to do harm to my body. I know my body is a temple and The Lord has given me the ability to run like I do. I want to be able to run years and years from now. I'd love to be able to run with my grandchildren one day. But, I may not even be able to have children do to my sickness. And all I have to do is eat healthy, and not binge and purge! Sounds easy, but not for me.
As my psychologist appointment, she was asking about my family. I was telling her about my little brother and how I've seen God work a miracle in his life. About 5 try's ago he got really sick. No Dr could figure out what was wrong. We were told he had cancer, multiple times. He was told he had celiac disease, a tumor...and so many other things. However, no DR. Could figure out what it really was. We went all other country trying to seek the best help for him...but the Dr's told my mom we are sorry, we don't know. However, God did!!! Through the power of prayer and the healing hand of God, he was healed. He is now serving God at Virginia Tech and going to be a physical therapist. He wants to give others hope. I know he has given me so much encouragement over my life. I also know that the same God that healed my brother, can heal me!!
You O' lord are the one who conquers giants. You shut the mouth of lions.. You call the dead to breathe. You are the one who walks on fire. You take the orphans hands. So....I know Lord I can do this with you. Help me Lord see my worth in you. I am your child. Thank you...thank you. Thank you.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Fear vs Faith
I've had a great couple of days lately. God is so good to me. Sunday I got to go to church not only with my husband, but with my bro, sister-in-law, and my two precious nieces. I love when we can all be together learning more about Jesus, study his word, and sing praises to him. Sundays are probably my favorite day of the week. Almost every Sunday I go run and while I run I just pray to God. I give him my thoughts, my feelings, and my prayers. I love just seeing his creation with every step. I come back and get ready listening to my husband sing praises while we get ready. I make him breakfast only on Sundays. I enjoy it. I love,love,love to cook and bake and I pray one day that I will be able to sit and eat breakfast with him. It sounds so easy...eat breakfast?! Yes, I can't do it...yet.
I go to a church that feeds my soul. My Sunday school teacher is so awesome! I could sit and listen to him all day long. I had the privilege to be able to teach his now 10yr old in first grade. It was her who invited me to church there. I was looking for the right church for me. We'll, I found it! I've been going to Faith for 7 years now. I have grown so much there. The Pastor is the best Pastor I've ever met!! I got married at Faith and I pray that I am able to maybe one day start a Christian pre-K program there. Gods been speaking to me about that and I'm so excited! But...may he just continue to show me his will.
This Sunday, the sermon was on worrying. I think it was wrote for me!!! All my life I have worried very day. I've literally worried myself sick a couple times. Has worrying done any good? No! Has worrying helped? No! Has it done anything but give the Devil a smile? No! God tells us not to do it. He tells us not to worry about ANYTHING!!! I can't really remember a day ever in my life that I haven't worried. The Pastor really hit me hard when he said my worrying is a sin. I mean, if God tells us not to worry and we do, then it's sin. So, this week my focus has been to not worry. It's a hr by hr struggle for me. I've been so worried lately about treatment. What's is going to be like? How will I get enough rest(it's till 8:30, 4days a week and an hr from home). How will I get my lesson plans done and the housework done while I go? Will it last 3 months(the minimum treatment)or will they say I need more? How will we afford it? Do I really even deserve treatment or need it? ...and so much more worries! But, all those worries has done nothing except give me bad stomach aches, horrible headaches, loss of sleep(I sleep about 4.5hrs a day)...and many more worries. But what I need to so is live for today..not tomorrow! I serve and love a God who can take all those worries and say "leave it to me!" We can trust our God. He knows what he's doing. Though it may hurt now...he will hold us up and never leave us. Always! God has never,never failed me. He's never not met any need I had. I worried in school-will my family spilt?-No...God took care of it! I worried about getting in college-God tool care of it and allowed me to go to a Christian school and run for him. I worried about getting a job-God took care of it and let me teach at the exact school I asked him to. I worried (made myself sick I worried so much)about my brother who Doctors said we don't know what's wrong and that there is not hope-God healed him!!! I worried I would never get married-I've had 3months happily married to a man that I asked God for...I could go on and on. God never fails! So, all my worries about the unknown and the future is in the best hands of all!
Let your fear drop to the ground...get on your knees and take the first step of the unknown, he won't let me down. It's time to live a life of Faith over Fear! Thank you Father...
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