I remember the crippling shame all too well. Growing up, people knew me as “the good girl” who always smiled and stayed out of trouble. I was in the top of my class, excelled in sports, and blessed with anything a child could want. My life was perfect they thought. On the outside, my life appeared to be in order.However, behind closed doors my life was nothing but a rollercoaster I wanted off of. I remember always being so anxious everyday I was home. Would today be a good day or a bad day? Every sound made me jump. I remember thinking why don’t they just divorce! Life would be so much better! I remember clinging to my dads legs begging him not to leave. I remember even sitting at my high school homecoming and my dad was drunk(which was only 3 times to my knowledges my whole life). I remember my mom literally spanking me until I couldn’t sit down. I remember her outrage anger. I remember her chasing me, throwing whatever she could at me, or just yelling and more yelling. But putting on the perfect face for all to see. We were that perfect family my mom would be so upset if you embarrass her. Perfection... I was that kid who didn’t care about being #1. I didn’t care about my apperence(I mean I had two bros so really who would). I would rather be climbing trees. I wasnt out to impress boys or anyone...but heaven forbid me not to look perfect in her eyes. But yet, I love my dad and my mom crazy amounts. They did the best they could. They raised 3 children the absolute best they could. They loved us more than any parent could I feel like. Proud is an understatement when it comes to them.
I am such a daddy’s girl. Maybe it’s becusse he seriously was the best dad. He was the one coloring with me, playing board games with me, always the one who would put in hrs to help my bro and I succeed at sports. He spent every bonus he had on us. He never spanked us one time. He sold his new truck so my bro could get his Jeep. I have more precious memories with my dad than my mom. But yet, so much pain was caused by him. How can you love some one so much but they cause you so much pain? Well, Jesus does. I’ve caused hik his life for my sin yet he loves me unconditionally.
Until marriage I never knew how much my parents influenced me for the good and bad.
-Why wasn’t my mom ther efoe me when I needed her? Too embarrassed? Why?
-Why couldn’t she accept my dads love?
-Why couldn’t they just get along? -Why wasn they like a good Christian family?...sin. That’s why! We live in a sinful world. Until I realized I was sinning when I hurt my body, I thought that it’s somehing that I didn’t cause. It’s genetics to be more likely ocd, depressed, and end up with an ed. That may be true(I don’t know), but it doesn’t make it ok. I can’t hurt my body when people hurt me. I can’t hurt my body when I’m angry, get my feelings hurt or just don’t feel good about myself. I have to give it to God. That’s freedom.
I have a very hard time loving D like I want to, like he deserves, and like how my mind plays it out. I’ve learned I don’t know how to love. I never heard my mom/dad say those two words. I never saw them kiss. D grew up in a family that was pretty perfect. His parents never yelled and they were absolute best friends. Sometimes I feel like D would be better off without me and that he deserves a woman that loves him like he deserves. But God put us together and we cling to that. God put my parents together. My parents are an example of love never fails...they have been married 38 yrs. There marriage isn’t perfect by any means but I have seen God do so much I’m their life. I’m thankful that they never did break that covenant they made with God. I pray my girls say that their parents were so in love it was embarrassing! Lol I pray that they see what I saw at my friends house. I pray that they wait as long as it takes to find the one God has for them. It is worth it. I pray that most of all that they realize that no one will love them like Jesus. No one.
This new yr is a yr I am so excited about! They say it takes 5 yr to recover and I finally made it to that point! I can say I am free! Free indeed! -Free from the bitterness, anger, and pain from the past. -Free from trying to meet everyone’s expectations.
I can say that I have been recovered for 5 yrs now..and free from chains for 5 yrs as well.
-Free from Satan’s lies -Free from fear foods -Free from rituals/ocd
-Free from “having to run.” -Free from calorie counting -Free from caring what people think about me -Free from weight gain And so much more! This is going to be a great yr!
I never thought I’d get here. Never. I never thought I’d get here without meds. I wanted to give up many times. Dr after dr said I never would never get better without medication. But I knew that if God has everything in his word that we need to be “anxious for nothing..” I believe it! I believe Phil 4:13, Most of all I believe that Christ died for me and that one day I will get to thank him for the work he has done in my life these past 5 yrs.
Bring on the new yr! This yr is a yr to love each day full of joy, full of fun, and full of ice cream and sprinkles! God is good.
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
5 yrs.
5 yrs..where do I begin? I can’t believe it’s been 5 yrs since I left Focus. There is so much to tell that God has done in my life these last 5 yrs. I’ll start by saying I’m so thankful for Focus. It is a place that brings sadness to my life, but it is also the place where I found hope again. The month I was there was the hardest month of my life...but God gave me the strength to win the battle! Thought for yrs that if I just pray more. If I just read my Bible more. If I just have more faith. If I just rely on God more. If I just find my identity in who Christ says I am. If I just fill my thoughts with Scripture. If I just force myself to eat. Then I will be able to resist the struggle. Besides, I’m not that thin. I won’t become sick enough for it to really count as an eating disorder. No one will ever know.
These misconceptions about eating disorders prevented me from seeking professional help. The longer I kept silent, the more powerful the eating disorder grew. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make the thoughts stop. Sometimes I managed to suppress everything enough to think I had “gotten over it.” But the struggle always resurfaced. No matter how hard I prayed. No matter how much I read the Bible. No matter how much faith I placed in God. The mental battle persisted relentlessly.
- I loved Christ deeply and cared significantly more about what He thought of me. But I still developed at eating disorder.
- I believed in the healing power of God and lived a deeply prayerful life. But I still developed an eating disorder.
- I valued inner beauty far more than outward beauty But I still developed an eating disorder.
- I knew God’s unconditional love was a gift that I could never earn and that perfection was unattainable. But I still developed an eating disorder.
- I started a Children’s choir at my church, taught Bible school every yr, I went on a month long mission trip to Africa , I dated an incredible guy, and knew my family loved me unconditionally. But I still developed an eating disorder.
- I had been given every opportunity to succeed in life. But I still developed an eating disorder.
Eventually, my ability to think dissipated into a fog of malnutrition and major depression. The illness I had tried so desperately to control instead controlled me. When the shame of my struggles became too much to bear, I resorted to self-harm for relief.
When I was at Focus, I met some amazing Christian friends there I am so thankful for. I met some people who need Christ and I was able to witness to them. With that said, Focus is where I realized I truly can do nothing without Jesus. He was all I had while there. It was also the place that I learned I held onto so much anger, hurt, and more anger. I was angry that despite my parents being amazing in the parent aspect, I saw abuse, so much anger, and my mom try to kill herself. I saw my dad try to gain my moms love but she resisted it and chose anger instead. I never saw them love each other(which is why marriage has been so hard for me cause I am so clueless on how to love). At Focus I realized that being molested as a 4th grader(not by family) affected me in ways I had no idea. I also learned that I was holding on to so much bitterness with my mom cause I went to her for help when I realized I had a problem, but she did nothing. My husband(More him on this topic) and Focus helped me realize that I had to let go of all the pain. I had to give it to God and that’s all I could do.
After leaving I was supposed to go back to outpatient but I basically begged David not to. I wanted to be home. Well, being home led to a VERY unexpected pregnancy 3 weeks after I left. I know God gave us Hannah cause she has been a HUGE part in my recovery. There is NOTHING I’ve ever wanted to be more than a mom. God allowed ME a child after I did to my body? Having Hannah made me realize the sacrifice God made. There is no way I could give up my little girl for this sin filled world. God did. I look at my little girl and see Grace, Love, and a huge answered prayer that Drs. Said would never happen.
After having Hannah life got very crazy! I quit my dream job(Kindergarten teacher). It was a very hard decision but I wouldn’t go back if they paid me triple. David and I had a baby, we moved(from my dream home) to Knoxville, moved churches, and I left all my friends. It was a sad time in my life for sure. I once again felt lonely. Change is the hardest thing for me in my recovery. I went through a very angry stage. I wanted my old life back. I hated the church I went to(just didn’t fit in), missed running a lot(I pushed Hannah everyday but it’s not the same), and having a “purpose.” It took many months for me to adapt to the new normal. Looking back now, I am in awe of how God orchestrated it all. He truly knows what’s best for my life.
After we moved, David switched companies and we got pregnant again! Praise God for his blessings! Little Grace was exactly what her name is. When Grace was born I began to realize I am a mom...that is ENOUGH! I embraced my role and I don’t take it lightly. Everyday I spend with my two little girls I want them to see Christ in my life.
Almost a yr after Grace was born, we decided to sell our house and move closer to church. David and I want to be involved as much as we can and it’s so hard with two little one living 30 min from church. Another big change, and another time I had to trust God. Sometimes I would think why is God allowing all these changes? But wait! During times are hard it was when I clung to his promises and had to tell Satan “not today!” I have grown so much in my walk with Christ these last 5 yrs.
The last 5 yrs have been tough..brutal not like it! But with that said, it has been the best 5 yrs of my life. I can laugh again. I am becoming “the old me” in that I love to be around people again. I look forward to meals and running is more of “me time” vs a have to. I have learned what real love is. I can look in the mirror and say thank you God even though I see flaw after flaw. I am blessed. I am happy. I am free.
The last thing I’d like to make note of is verses that helped me.
-Does anyone really and truly love me?
John 3:16-17
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.
God knows you perfectly and cherishes you with His endless love. To convince you that God will never forsake you or forget you, He says, "See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands" (Isaiah 49:16). You are deeply and forever loved by God.
-Can I trust God?
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.
After being hurt by actions and words and having your trust continually broken, it may feel safer to depend on something tangible, like food and weight. However, think about the pain the eating disorder has caused in your life. Turn to God, let Him speak to you through His Word, and talk to Him as your Friend and pray for His help.
I look back on these last 5 yrs and I praise the Lord for what’s he’s done in my life. I can say that if having an eating disorder was to bring me closer to him, it was all worth it. Do I struggle anymore? Honestly I do struggle with thoughts at times, but I now know how to overcome those thoughts. I feel this may be “the thorn in my flesh” but it’s something that keeps me clinging to Gods word and his promises. It’s still a topic that is hard to talk about but maybe God will use me one day to help others. May my struggles bring him glory. Philippians 4:8 says
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
HE is always beside us!
Amazing Grace how sweet the sound! O' how that song speaks to me. The last couple months at home has been overall great. I've had some tough days, but God gave me strength. Being a Christian doesn't mean we won't have a bad day. During times of trials and change we always have one thing that remains constant: God's love and HIS word: It will never run out and is always 100% TRUE.
Since I've been home I've been seeing an amazing nutritionist. I have to write down everything I eat and how much I exercise. She is actually the one who pushed me to go to inpatient. I've also continued seeing my Christian therapist. I enjoy going to see her and talking things out. Also, my primary care Dr. has been awesome. She has been there with me the last 10 yrs. She said the sweetest prayer for me when I left last time. I have NO Doubt GOD put all these wonderful Dr.'s in my life. It's not coincidence that 10 yrs ago I found my Dr.'s name. I had no clue who she was...but God knew that I would need her. God knew I would need the nutritionist that I have as well. He makes NO mistakes!
A perfect example of how God makes no mistakes is when God didn't answer my prayer last Spring. I was getting married and my husband owns a house where he works and the Christian school I have always wanted to work at was right down below his house. He even went to college with the Principal! I applied and we began to pray daily about it. I hardly ever check my email, but I did and low and behold I got an email from the principal asking me to come in for an interview that next week!! I was unreal excited! Not only did GOD allow me to work at the school The school I prayed to work at after college, but HE was for sure going to answer my prayer about working there!!! However, that's not what he had planned. I went for the interview (which couldn't have went better) for a 3rd grade position. I really didn't want 3rd grade, but I thought I was take it if offered because my heart wanted to work there. However, during the interview the principal said there was a new K position open!! What?!? God, WOW, you are soooo good!! Well, I waited a week and then......I got an email saying they decided to give the job to someone else. I was a crushed! I called my husband at 2 in the morning crying and crying...(we had hung out that night until 12 and he was on his way home). Why Lord? Anyways, like I said, God makes NO mistakes! So, knowing I was going to be teaching another yr here, we had to start house looking in my town. We had looked EVERYWHERE and just couldn't seem to find the right place. Then one Sunday afternoon I had one of my favorite (yeah, I thought I'd never have favorites, but I admit I do...but love ALL of them) students on my mind. Her mom and dad are coaches at my college and know lots of people. I decided to text them and ask if they knew a house for rent. Well, it just so happened that same day they were discussing about selling/renting their house!! :) So, once again God opened the doors for us and we have such a great home to live in. I live right beside of about 4 teachers that I work with! Also, we didn't really know at the beginning of marriage I would need to go inpatient or be struggling like I was. But God did! He knew I would need the insurance I did. Without it we wouldn't have been able to get me the help I needed. If I got the job at the Christian school, I wouldn't have made as much money or got the insurance I have here. We wouldn't have been able to afford any help. Also, HE knew I would never be able to open up to another Dr. about my problems. It took 10 yrs to admit it to the one I have!! He knew I would need the people I work with and the church I have to get me through it. So....I've learned once again that HIS PLAN is PERFECT!
Knowing His plan is perfect, I have to remember that since I just found out that it is going to be hard to have children. I recently just went to see an obgyn(who is amazing and God allowed me to somehow get in to see her even though they had no opening until 3 months! It just so happened that the day I called, a cancellation happened! Thank u Lord! ). Anyways, I've met with her 3 times now and I've had all kinds of lab work done, many tests/procedures and the results were not what I wanted to here. I knew I had done LOTS of damage on my body over the years, but she even said that the problem was not from the eating disorder. It's just how my body is. So, I'm having to trust God to see what he has in store for me. It's hard. But God might want it to be hard because He wants me to give him my all...."lean not on your own understanding" he says. His way is perfect so I will just keep my running shoes on and keep going day by day and mile by mile to see what that plan is. :)
Dear Lord, even though I don't know what your plan is, I know you are making beauty from these ashes. I know there is a purpose and meaning in everything. I will surrender to you. Thank you Father that I don't have to be the old woman I use to be. I have a new life that is soo free and I feel redeemed. Lord, may you keep me in your will and lead me. Use me Lord to bring you glory to your name. Thank you Father for caring about the things that concern me and that you listen...and answer in a way that is perfect.
1 Corinthians 1:2 You have been made holy in Christ Jesus.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast ALL your cares upon him, for he cares for you.
Since I've been home I've been seeing an amazing nutritionist. I have to write down everything I eat and how much I exercise. She is actually the one who pushed me to go to inpatient. I've also continued seeing my Christian therapist. I enjoy going to see her and talking things out. Also, my primary care Dr. has been awesome. She has been there with me the last 10 yrs. She said the sweetest prayer for me when I left last time. I have NO Doubt GOD put all these wonderful Dr.'s in my life. It's not coincidence that 10 yrs ago I found my Dr.'s name. I had no clue who she was...but God knew that I would need her. God knew I would need the nutritionist that I have as well. He makes NO mistakes!
A perfect example of how God makes no mistakes is when God didn't answer my prayer last Spring. I was getting married and my husband owns a house where he works and the Christian school I have always wanted to work at was right down below his house. He even went to college with the Principal! I applied and we began to pray daily about it. I hardly ever check my email, but I did and low and behold I got an email from the principal asking me to come in for an interview that next week!! I was unreal excited! Not only did GOD allow me to work at the school The school I prayed to work at after college, but HE was for sure going to answer my prayer about working there!!! However, that's not what he had planned. I went for the interview (which couldn't have went better) for a 3rd grade position. I really didn't want 3rd grade, but I thought I was take it if offered because my heart wanted to work there. However, during the interview the principal said there was a new K position open!! What?!? God, WOW, you are soooo good!! Well, I waited a week and then......I got an email saying they decided to give the job to someone else. I was a crushed! I called my husband at 2 in the morning crying and crying...(we had hung out that night until 12 and he was on his way home). Why Lord? Anyways, like I said, God makes NO mistakes! So, knowing I was going to be teaching another yr here, we had to start house looking in my town. We had looked EVERYWHERE and just couldn't seem to find the right place. Then one Sunday afternoon I had one of my favorite (yeah, I thought I'd never have favorites, but I admit I do...but love ALL of them) students on my mind. Her mom and dad are coaches at my college and know lots of people. I decided to text them and ask if they knew a house for rent. Well, it just so happened that same day they were discussing about selling/renting their house!! :) So, once again God opened the doors for us and we have such a great home to live in. I live right beside of about 4 teachers that I work with! Also, we didn't really know at the beginning of marriage I would need to go inpatient or be struggling like I was. But God did! He knew I would need the insurance I did. Without it we wouldn't have been able to get me the help I needed. If I got the job at the Christian school, I wouldn't have made as much money or got the insurance I have here. We wouldn't have been able to afford any help. Also, HE knew I would never be able to open up to another Dr. about my problems. It took 10 yrs to admit it to the one I have!! He knew I would need the people I work with and the church I have to get me through it. So....I've learned once again that HIS PLAN is PERFECT!
Knowing His plan is perfect, I have to remember that since I just found out that it is going to be hard to have children. I recently just went to see an obgyn(who is amazing and God allowed me to somehow get in to see her even though they had no opening until 3 months! It just so happened that the day I called, a cancellation happened! Thank u Lord! ). Anyways, I've met with her 3 times now and I've had all kinds of lab work done, many tests/procedures and the results were not what I wanted to here. I knew I had done LOTS of damage on my body over the years, but she even said that the problem was not from the eating disorder. It's just how my body is. So, I'm having to trust God to see what he has in store for me. It's hard. But God might want it to be hard because He wants me to give him my all...."lean not on your own understanding" he says. His way is perfect so I will just keep my running shoes on and keep going day by day and mile by mile to see what that plan is. :)
Dear Lord, even though I don't know what your plan is, I know you are making beauty from these ashes. I know there is a purpose and meaning in everything. I will surrender to you. Thank you Father that I don't have to be the old woman I use to be. I have a new life that is soo free and I feel redeemed. Lord, may you keep me in your will and lead me. Use me Lord to bring you glory to your name. Thank you Father for caring about the things that concern me and that you listen...and answer in a way that is perfect.
1 Corinthians 1:2 You have been made holy in Christ Jesus.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast ALL your cares upon him, for he cares for you.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Let it snow!!!
We recently just got a big snow! The day before my birthday, I joked with my Kindergarten kids on doing a snow dance so we don't have to go to school on my birthday . Well, apparently, they did!! The next morning we had a 20% chance of snow. My husband and I went to the gym early to run before work. While I was in the treadmill my friend from work texted me and said no school on your birthday! What?!? Is she playing a trick on me? But, she was right! No school! The superintendent was working out there too and so I ran up to him and said " thanks , it is my birthday!" I wasn't complaining , but I didn't understand why we were out! But two hrs later I did!! He snowed all day long! We probably got 5 inches! It was beautiful! I got lots of texts from my kiddos saying that they got me flowers for my birthday and were sad they couldn't brig them to school. They were sad that we weren't going to get to eat the cupcakes(they begged me to get them for them to eat on my birthday, haha). I love my kindergarten kids.. The Lord may have in his plans that they are the kids he has given me ...I definitely love them like my own.
The day I got back from inpatient one of the student in my room came and told me that another girl called her fat and ugly! I just got back from a place where everyone thinks they are fat and I come back to a 5 yr old who thinks the same thing!! The little girl is definitely overweight, but O' how beautiful she is-inside and out!! I was upset! I told her that even though the girl was wrong about her, that we have to remember that it doesn't matter what others say or think about us...only what God says. He says that we are beautiful and he made us just the way he wanted. The other kids at her table heard me whispering to her and told her how pretty she was and smart. I know kids will say things that hurt each other, but it really struck a nerve in me because I had just gotten back from trying to overcome my view of myself. Also, I was 5 when my body image issues started. I remember being at my friends house and thinking I was soo fat!! We were in the same classroom, the same activities and always around rah other . Her family was crazy healthy(too healthy in my opinion...she was deprived ). Mine wasn't. My family grew up with a. 2 acre garden and southern down home cooking each night! Yum, yum! Anyways, she was super skinny and we always had spaghettios for lunch at her house. We were getting the can out and she asked if I'd like to split a can. I told her no, that I can eat the whole can. She ended up heating up half a can for her, a whole can for me and she only half half of hers(1/4 a can). I thought wow....I am a pig! I didn't help that I had two brothers who had to wear boys slims cause they were so thin. I was the non picky eater in the family. Sadly, my best friend ended up with a eating disorder in h.s. I think the trigger to her ed was due to her parents high expectations of her. I didn't know it at the time, but all but about two of us had an ed. I had NO clue until college. It is sad how well people can hide it. I just though my friends were skinny. I know I "hid" mine from everyone I could. ...but I probably wasn't fooling as many as I thought. I know God wasn't folded!
The thing I liked about the big snow we got was how for me it is a picture of how God washes our sins white as snow. His blood paid the price and we are wiped clean! The most beautiful thing to me is that he didn't even have to!!! I thank The Lord for snow days for many reasons. The greatest I reason is it is a time when we see a beautiful picture of how awesome God is. He created each one of kinda like a snowflake. No two snowflakes are alike...note are we. However, we are beautiful and created just the way he wanted us.
The day I got back from inpatient one of the student in my room came and told me that another girl called her fat and ugly! I just got back from a place where everyone thinks they are fat and I come back to a 5 yr old who thinks the same thing!! The little girl is definitely overweight, but O' how beautiful she is-inside and out!! I was upset! I told her that even though the girl was wrong about her, that we have to remember that it doesn't matter what others say or think about us...only what God says. He says that we are beautiful and he made us just the way he wanted. The other kids at her table heard me whispering to her and told her how pretty she was and smart. I know kids will say things that hurt each other, but it really struck a nerve in me because I had just gotten back from trying to overcome my view of myself. Also, I was 5 when my body image issues started. I remember being at my friends house and thinking I was soo fat!! We were in the same classroom, the same activities and always around rah other . Her family was crazy healthy(too healthy in my opinion...she was deprived ). Mine wasn't. My family grew up with a. 2 acre garden and southern down home cooking each night! Yum, yum! Anyways, she was super skinny and we always had spaghettios for lunch at her house. We were getting the can out and she asked if I'd like to split a can. I told her no, that I can eat the whole can. She ended up heating up half a can for her, a whole can for me and she only half half of hers(1/4 a can). I thought wow....I am a pig! I didn't help that I had two brothers who had to wear boys slims cause they were so thin. I was the non picky eater in the family. Sadly, my best friend ended up with a eating disorder in h.s. I think the trigger to her ed was due to her parents high expectations of her. I didn't know it at the time, but all but about two of us had an ed. I had NO clue until college. It is sad how well people can hide it. I just though my friends were skinny. I know I "hid" mine from everyone I could. ...but I probably wasn't fooling as many as I thought. I know God wasn't folded!
The thing I liked about the big snow we got was how for me it is a picture of how God washes our sins white as snow. His blood paid the price and we are wiped clean! The most beautiful thing to me is that he didn't even have to!!! I thank The Lord for snow days for many reasons. The greatest I reason is it is a time when we see a beautiful picture of how awesome God is. He created each one of kinda like a snowflake. No two snowflakes are alike...note are we. However, we are beautiful and created just the way he wanted us.
Celebration of new life
I've had about two weeks at home on my own. My first day back at work was kinda weird. A lot of people didn't know (nor will they ever!) why I was gone. Everyone was super welcoming and giving me hugs. Some figured it out and Thank God they didn't say anything. We are really like a family at work and I can't thank the Lord enough for the people I work with. They have been there for me in many difficult times in my life. Some of the teachers took my husband food, many text him to see how I was doing, and some even wrote me letters. WHY?! Why do you love me so much!? They have servant's hearts. God knew I needed to be here when my brother was dying, when my grandma died, and when I would face the hardest battle in my own life. They prayed for me. Lord, I pray you will bless our staff. Bless our students. May our school be one where the teachers lift your name up and use us to bring glory to your name.
As far as my meal plan has been going, I have followed it 98%. I am afraid not to, because it could lead to a spiral downhill. My weight hasn't changed at all and I am almost to the point where if it did go up, I would be ok with it. I am eating healthy, exercising in a healthy way, and treating it the best I can...what else can I do? I really enjoy eating now. I love making my husband dinner again. I've even learned I LOVE steak!!! I've eaten steak 3 times since I've been home. I've never had it....ever! I made spaghetti and meatballs last night for us(a huge former fear food) and didn't even think once about calories or irrational thoughts. We made homemade ice cream together after that and used the ice cream toppings my little brother got us for Christmas (he made us an ice cream basket full of ice cream related things...perfect gift!). We sat by our fireplace and watched a movie together....Thank you Father for my life! I have been redeemed! :)
I know that I must continue and I think it's vital that I get at least a dietician. I know I'm not "cured" and I need to take it day by day. I have a wonderful Dr, psychologist, and Pastor that is in my aftercare. I am working on getting a great dietician. I knew that going back to outpatient wasn't right for me. It took me away from my husband, I never slept(never home till 9:30 each night), and I had nobody to eat dinner with and it was sooo easy to not eat. My therapy is being home. It's where my heart is.
Last Saturday my husband threw me a surprise birthday party!!! That morning I went to my school to catch up on school work. I was supposed to meet my best friend at Starbucks(she lives an hr away) around 2:00. However, it snowed. It was getting pretty bad outside and I was hungry so I decided I needed to head home. I wasn't going to text him and say I'm coming home, but I decided to. Good thing I did or else I would've ruined the surprise (everyone was there setting it up). He was like "umm, you want to go eat at Zaxby's? I really didn't want to, but I said ok. Although we usually ate their about once a week together, I had a little hard time eating. I am not sure why. But, I brushed it off and told myself to eat and enjoy just being together. Then we headed home. I opened the door and saw about 3 baby car seats, then decorations, and screamed. I was shaking due to being overwhelmed. My parents, my in-laws, my older brother and his girls, friends from church, and my friend I work with came. My friend I was meeting at Starbucks was the one who was supposed to keep me away until it was time for the party. When she couldn't come due to the snow, my husband was in panic. haha Anyways, that birthday was the best birthday I've had in years. For me, it was like a celebration of my new healthy life. Everyone there knew about me being in inpatient except for two people. I thank God for each one of them. For them to take time out of their day (and many lived 2 hrs away) to come celebrate with me was so nice! Our whole house was decorated and we had ice cream cake, and lots of other snacks. For me to be able to eat ice cream cake after just eating lunch and not even care is huge! I dreaded this birthday sooo much because I felt like I am no where near where I wanted to be in life-have lots of babies....but so far it's been the best! The people in my life don't love me if I run fast, eat lots of cake, stay a certain size, or any other silly reason....They just love me! Just like I love them! Just like JESUS loves us all!!!! That night my little nieces (5 hrs old and 1) spend the night. We had so much fun! My husband, me, and the girls all curled up by out fireplace and watched Lady and the Tramp(my nieces pick). It gave me a glimpse of how my life could be in a fee years if I continue to stay healthy, and if God allows. That night, we made a huge big fort in our living room and the girls and I slept in it. Well, they do. I couldn't sleep at all because I am WAY over protective and stayed up pretty much all night to make sure they were ok. I was exhausted the next morning, haha. That Sunday mornings I it the girls ready for church and we all sat down together at the table to eat breakfast together. I could've cried tears of happiness. My heart was overjoyed! We prayed and thanked God for the food and My husband read the girls a Bible story. My 5 yr old niece said it back to him almost word for word. My husband I and I pray for out three nieces and our nephew daily. We pray that they ask Jesus into their heart. I pray that they see themselves as God does and not care about what the world says about them. The word doesn't give us value....but we are valuable in. The Lord. Thank you Father for giving me another year. I am excited to see the plans you have for my husband and me. Thank you for giving me MANY more chances on getting my life back. You are a God who loves unconditionally. You never give up on your children.
Even when I didn't hold on to you, you held on to me.
As far as my meal plan has been going, I have followed it 98%. I am afraid not to, because it could lead to a spiral downhill. My weight hasn't changed at all and I am almost to the point where if it did go up, I would be ok with it. I am eating healthy, exercising in a healthy way, and treating it the best I can...what else can I do? I really enjoy eating now. I love making my husband dinner again. I've even learned I LOVE steak!!! I've eaten steak 3 times since I've been home. I've never had it....ever! I made spaghetti and meatballs last night for us(a huge former fear food) and didn't even think once about calories or irrational thoughts. We made homemade ice cream together after that and used the ice cream toppings my little brother got us for Christmas (he made us an ice cream basket full of ice cream related things...perfect gift!). We sat by our fireplace and watched a movie together....Thank you Father for my life! I have been redeemed! :)
I know that I must continue and I think it's vital that I get at least a dietician. I know I'm not "cured" and I need to take it day by day. I have a wonderful Dr, psychologist, and Pastor that is in my aftercare. I am working on getting a great dietician. I knew that going back to outpatient wasn't right for me. It took me away from my husband, I never slept(never home till 9:30 each night), and I had nobody to eat dinner with and it was sooo easy to not eat. My therapy is being home. It's where my heart is.
Last Saturday my husband threw me a surprise birthday party!!! That morning I went to my school to catch up on school work. I was supposed to meet my best friend at Starbucks(she lives an hr away) around 2:00. However, it snowed. It was getting pretty bad outside and I was hungry so I decided I needed to head home. I wasn't going to text him and say I'm coming home, but I decided to. Good thing I did or else I would've ruined the surprise (everyone was there setting it up). He was like "umm, you want to go eat at Zaxby's? I really didn't want to, but I said ok. Although we usually ate their about once a week together, I had a little hard time eating. I am not sure why. But, I brushed it off and told myself to eat and enjoy just being together. Then we headed home. I opened the door and saw about 3 baby car seats, then decorations, and screamed. I was shaking due to being overwhelmed. My parents, my in-laws, my older brother and his girls, friends from church, and my friend I work with came. My friend I was meeting at Starbucks was the one who was supposed to keep me away until it was time for the party. When she couldn't come due to the snow, my husband was in panic. haha Anyways, that birthday was the best birthday I've had in years. For me, it was like a celebration of my new healthy life. Everyone there knew about me being in inpatient except for two people. I thank God for each one of them. For them to take time out of their day (and many lived 2 hrs away) to come celebrate with me was so nice! Our whole house was decorated and we had ice cream cake, and lots of other snacks. For me to be able to eat ice cream cake after just eating lunch and not even care is huge! I dreaded this birthday sooo much because I felt like I am no where near where I wanted to be in life-have lots of babies....but so far it's been the best! The people in my life don't love me if I run fast, eat lots of cake, stay a certain size, or any other silly reason....They just love me! Just like I love them! Just like JESUS loves us all!!!! That night my little nieces (5 hrs old and 1) spend the night. We had so much fun! My husband, me, and the girls all curled up by out fireplace and watched Lady and the Tramp(my nieces pick). It gave me a glimpse of how my life could be in a fee years if I continue to stay healthy, and if God allows. That night, we made a huge big fort in our living room and the girls and I slept in it. Well, they do. I couldn't sleep at all because I am WAY over protective and stayed up pretty much all night to make sure they were ok. I was exhausted the next morning, haha. That Sunday mornings I it the girls ready for church and we all sat down together at the table to eat breakfast together. I could've cried tears of happiness. My heart was overjoyed! We prayed and thanked God for the food and My husband read the girls a Bible story. My 5 yr old niece said it back to him almost word for word. My husband I and I pray for out three nieces and our nephew daily. We pray that they ask Jesus into their heart. I pray that they see themselves as God does and not care about what the world says about them. The word doesn't give us value....but we are valuable in. The Lord. Thank you Father for giving me another year. I am excited to see the plans you have for my husband and me. Thank you for giving me MANY more chances on getting my life back. You are a God who loves unconditionally. You never give up on your children.
Even when I didn't hold on to you, you held on to me.
O' how HE loves us!
Inpatient was an experience I will never forget. I am soooo thankful that I was able to go! I was unreal scared to go, but by the end of my stay I wanted to stay longer!!! :) God showed me sooo much while I was there. From the time I arrived and they said my roommate was Hannah(who was saved and loved the Lord), I thought "Wow! God you are sooo good. Hannah is the name I want to name my baby girl one day. The last ten years I have felt like Hannah. I long for a baby more than anyone I know. I didn't understand why God "didn't want me to get married." He did! It was just in HIS timing. I learned alot about HIS timing while in inpatient. I know that for the last ten yrs of my life, it hasn't played out at all how I wanted. I would've gotten married 6 years ago and had 4 children by now....but God had other plans. I am now at peace with my life. I still long for a baby named Hannah, but right now I am enjoying my new life and taking it day by day....He has a perfect plan for my husband and me....It will be perfect regardless.
My hope is built on nothing else then Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in Jesus' name.
John 14:13 says "You can ask for nothing in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father."
I have God for sooo many things in my life and I my list is too long to write. However, even if He didn't answer the way I wanted, he answered....and I must remember His way is best!
All the women in inpatient were amazing. We became so close! We shared things in Process (group therapy) that nobody else knows. We were a super close family. We learned on each other for strength and encouragement. I pray while I was there that I made a difference in some of their lives. I know that some of them weren't saved. It broke my heart because I believe that in order to defeat ED, you have to surrender it to God. When my roommate Hannah left, I got moved to another room. My roommate was unsaved. She saw my binder and saw that I had 26 verses for running( 1 verse for each mile I run in a marathon). She asked me to write some of them down for her. I cherished the time that we got to talk about God. I hope I planted a seed in her and that one day, if not already she asked Jesus to come into her heart. Another lady asked me what does "fearfully and wonderfully made mean?" Fearfully and wonderfully made is my affrimation (an I can or I am statement we had to say over and over while there). It was neat getting to tell her about that. I pray she believes it! I met one lady that will be forever my friend. She was in outpatient with me for a couple months and then she left one week before me to go inpatient. I know God had it that way because He knew I needed the comfort knowing that she would be there. I saw a change in her that only God can do! She gave her ed to God and is thriving!
The first 5 days of inpatient was hard...very hard! I couldn't talk on the phone or go on any of the outings. I had a VERY hard time sitting and eating and sitting and eating and sitting and eating....
I didn't have my husband to say "I love you," or my little brother to say"You can do this!" However, I did have my Bible and God....and HE is ALL I need. It was a time in my life that I got to spend so much time in His word and just meditating.
We ate 6 times a day at inpatient. I didn't each 3 before, much less 6!!! We had 3 meals and 3 snacks. Each Monday we had a "gentle eating meal." Gentle eating was NOT gentle! I failed each one at outpatient. We had to sit in a room listening to classical music, no talking, a 3 course meal that we had no clue what was going to be served, and had to "pass the test" eating. The tech would read nutrition facts about our meal while we ate and filled out our food and feelings paper. The paper talked about how we felt, what we were thinking, what we wanted to do at that moment, and what we chose to do instead. Most of the time I wrote I want to run away and eat "my safe foods." But by my 3rd gentle eating meal, I had NO problem at all! It was seen as food-nourishment. I loved it! :)
Each week we also went to a restaurant to eat, a cooking night, and we went grocery shopping together. We also go to go to fun outings on weekends. I made lots of good memories while I was there. I loved the dietician....she is the one that I believe helped me the most. I cried when I had to tell her bye because of how much she had taught me and changed my life. She has been an incredible influence to so many on not only on how to eat, but how to treat your body the way God wants.
The last weekend I was there was family weekend. I was super excited because I was going home on that Friday....at least I thought. However, my husband said that he was going to come to family weekend and that he wanted me to do a week of partial inpatient before coming home! WHAT?!? I was furious! However, even though I was upset he spent ALOT of money coming to family weekend, I knew it was out of love and it was worth every penny! It changed our relationship. We were able to talk about things that probably never would have been said if I went home. My ed has affected our marriage ALOT....and hurts me. However, I know that is has also brought us closer and it also brought us closer to God. My husband didn't tell me until the ride home that my insurance ran out on day 2! My insurance said I didn't need inpatient. The cost of inpatient without insurance is unreal expensive, and he told them we may even go bankrupt, but to let me stay and not to tell me! That is soooo him.....he loves me more than I deserve! Thankfully, we didn't go bankrupt, but we got richer! Our love for each other is richer, our communication is better(I held everything in), and my relationship with my Father is much richer! God took me through the desert, but he never left me! He walked with me daily while I was there. He sat right beside of me with every meal, and showed me that I am worthy! I am HIS! I am truly FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY Made!!! :)
O' How he loves us. O' how he loves us. How he loves us ALL.
We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing.
Though it might hurt now, we won't be ruined.
It might seem there's an ocean in between, but He's holding onto you and me.
He's never gonna leave...He is with us-ALWAYS!
My hope is built on nothing else then Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in Jesus' name.
John 14:13 says "You can ask for nothing in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father."
I have God for sooo many things in my life and I my list is too long to write. However, even if He didn't answer the way I wanted, he answered....and I must remember His way is best!
All the women in inpatient were amazing. We became so close! We shared things in Process (group therapy) that nobody else knows. We were a super close family. We learned on each other for strength and encouragement. I pray while I was there that I made a difference in some of their lives. I know that some of them weren't saved. It broke my heart because I believe that in order to defeat ED, you have to surrender it to God. When my roommate Hannah left, I got moved to another room. My roommate was unsaved. She saw my binder and saw that I had 26 verses for running( 1 verse for each mile I run in a marathon). She asked me to write some of them down for her. I cherished the time that we got to talk about God. I hope I planted a seed in her and that one day, if not already she asked Jesus to come into her heart. Another lady asked me what does "fearfully and wonderfully made mean?" Fearfully and wonderfully made is my affrimation (an I can or I am statement we had to say over and over while there). It was neat getting to tell her about that. I pray she believes it! I met one lady that will be forever my friend. She was in outpatient with me for a couple months and then she left one week before me to go inpatient. I know God had it that way because He knew I needed the comfort knowing that she would be there. I saw a change in her that only God can do! She gave her ed to God and is thriving!
The first 5 days of inpatient was hard...very hard! I couldn't talk on the phone or go on any of the outings. I had a VERY hard time sitting and eating and sitting and eating and sitting and eating....
I didn't have my husband to say "I love you," or my little brother to say"You can do this!" However, I did have my Bible and God....and HE is ALL I need. It was a time in my life that I got to spend so much time in His word and just meditating.
We ate 6 times a day at inpatient. I didn't each 3 before, much less 6!!! We had 3 meals and 3 snacks. Each Monday we had a "gentle eating meal." Gentle eating was NOT gentle! I failed each one at outpatient. We had to sit in a room listening to classical music, no talking, a 3 course meal that we had no clue what was going to be served, and had to "pass the test" eating. The tech would read nutrition facts about our meal while we ate and filled out our food and feelings paper. The paper talked about how we felt, what we were thinking, what we wanted to do at that moment, and what we chose to do instead. Most of the time I wrote I want to run away and eat "my safe foods." But by my 3rd gentle eating meal, I had NO problem at all! It was seen as food-nourishment. I loved it! :)
Each week we also went to a restaurant to eat, a cooking night, and we went grocery shopping together. We also go to go to fun outings on weekends. I made lots of good memories while I was there. I loved the dietician....she is the one that I believe helped me the most. I cried when I had to tell her bye because of how much she had taught me and changed my life. She has been an incredible influence to so many on not only on how to eat, but how to treat your body the way God wants.
The last weekend I was there was family weekend. I was super excited because I was going home on that Friday....at least I thought. However, my husband said that he was going to come to family weekend and that he wanted me to do a week of partial inpatient before coming home! WHAT?!? I was furious! However, even though I was upset he spent ALOT of money coming to family weekend, I knew it was out of love and it was worth every penny! It changed our relationship. We were able to talk about things that probably never would have been said if I went home. My ed has affected our marriage ALOT....and hurts me. However, I know that is has also brought us closer and it also brought us closer to God. My husband didn't tell me until the ride home that my insurance ran out on day 2! My insurance said I didn't need inpatient. The cost of inpatient without insurance is unreal expensive, and he told them we may even go bankrupt, but to let me stay and not to tell me! That is soooo him.....he loves me more than I deserve! Thankfully, we didn't go bankrupt, but we got richer! Our love for each other is richer, our communication is better(I held everything in), and my relationship with my Father is much richer! God took me through the desert, but he never left me! He walked with me daily while I was there. He sat right beside of me with every meal, and showed me that I am worthy! I am HIS! I am truly FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY Made!!! :)
O' How he loves us. O' how he loves us. How he loves us ALL.
We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing.
Though it might hurt now, we won't be ruined.
It might seem there's an ocean in between, but He's holding onto you and me.
He's never gonna leave...He is with us-ALWAYS!
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
God is able
Well, I just got home from inpatient. I was there for a month. I left the day after Christmas....so first I want to write about how awesome Christmas was. It was my first Christmas married and I was beyond devastated when I was told I need to go the day I get off work and stay all Christmas break and more. No way!! I cried so many tears off that, that I'm surprised I still have any tears left!! Christmas for me was my favorite holiday. It's the celebration of birth of Christ!! I have a husband I want to be with, two precious little nieces (5 and 1), two brothers, and my parents. You can't take me away from them! However, after many tears we all decided it's best. We could celebrate Christmas after I got out. I felt like I was ruining everyone's Christmas! My nieces would not understand why their (favorite, haha) aunt wasn't there. My husband would be all alone as well!!! However, God somehow worked it out that I would be able to go the day after. He heard my request and allowed it to work out. God is able. So Christmas was awesome as it always is. I spent Christmas Eve with my in laws. I truly thank God for them. We had such a great time. My favorite part was sitting by the fire reading the Christmas story together. My father in law is a pastor and I just look to him in so many ways. He has been such a great help through all of this. They got us an ice cream maker !! Perfect !! :) Then we headed home to my parents to spend the night. It was a great road trip talking to my husband, but I knew my heart was heavy because time was coming to an end with us temporarily.
Christmas Eve my mom and I made all our Christmas candy and we watched a great Christmas movie as a family. It really enjoyed seeing my " little" brother too. I look at him and think God is able .
Christmas morning I woke up and went running. I ran 8 miles...but I wanted to run until my legs fell off. I knew it would be the last time I world be running until after I get home. My compulsion to run that morning showed me once again, I do need help. After my fun, I got ready to spend the best Cheistmas of my life with the ones I love most. Words can't express how thankful I am for my family. I loved sitting by my husband and seeing him open presents. I loved seeing my little 1 yr old niece open hers. As I was opening the gifts , I looked around and thought about how good God is. He is the ultimate gift.
I hated leaving that evening for thousands of reasons. The #1 reason was because I knew it meant I would be able to see or talk to them for a month. I couldn't talk my moms leftovers or any if the Christmas candy we made, or even really enjoy my Christmas presents because I had to go back home and pack for inpatient. While we drove back I played mind games with myself and told myself I really didn't need it. I really could stop on my own. I would just eat more and run less. I could do it!! However, I knew deep down that only God is able.
Christmas Eve my mom and I made all our Christmas candy and we watched a great Christmas movie as a family. It really enjoyed seeing my " little" brother too. I look at him and think God is able .
Christmas morning I woke up and went running. I ran 8 miles...but I wanted to run until my legs fell off. I knew it would be the last time I world be running until after I get home. My compulsion to run that morning showed me once again, I do need help. After my fun, I got ready to spend the best Cheistmas of my life with the ones I love most. Words can't express how thankful I am for my family. I loved sitting by my husband and seeing him open presents. I loved seeing my little 1 yr old niece open hers. As I was opening the gifts , I looked around and thought about how good God is. He is the ultimate gift.
I hated leaving that evening for thousands of reasons. The #1 reason was because I knew it meant I would be able to see or talk to them for a month. I couldn't talk my moms leftovers or any if the Christmas candy we made, or even really enjoy my Christmas presents because I had to go back home and pack for inpatient. While we drove back I played mind games with myself and told myself I really didn't need it. I really could stop on my own. I would just eat more and run less. I could do it!! However, I knew deep down that only God is able.
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