Give me eyes to see Lord

I am legally blind without my glasses or contacts. I literally can see nothing without them.  Even though I can see perfect with my contacts, I feel like at times  I still can’t see clearly. All my life Ive looked  in the mirror and hated what I see. But if I look  through the eyes of God I should see a beautiful lady. Umm no. All I seen was someone with so many imperfections and well..ugly. . Never good enough. But if my girls felt that way I would cry! They are perfect in every way cause God made them the way he wanted. When we tell our girls how smart or  how pretty they are we try to tell  they respond because God made me that way.
I think my whole entire 33 yrs of life I’ve tried to find love....no matter where I looked I couldn’t find it. But, that ridiculous because my parents loved me unconditionally. Most importantly I have a Father who loves me!!Why can’t I see it? I think at times I’ve not felt like even Jesus doesn’t love me. I mean why would he? I could see why he would love someone like my husband, my Pastors wife, or a few women at our church...but me?!? Umm no. I have questioned my salvation. I questioned everything lately. Am I saved? Even though I asked Jesus into my heart at 12 yr old did I mean it? I’ve tried since that day to honor his commandments, to bear fruit, and to show others Christ. But yet, at the same time I have felt so sad and so angry still at times. Anger that is scary. Sadness that is scary. How can that be? What was wrong with me?
 After a long talk with our Pastor, he reassured me of my salvation(well..he isn’t the judge but...) but I just have a hard time defeating Satan’s lies about myself and anger(sin). Depression is real. OCD is real. I haven’t let go of the pain of my past. Even more so I haven’t seen with the eyes of Jesus.
Oh but these last few months I have been! I AM LOVED. I am HIS child. I don’t deserve it no, but He loves me!! I’ve cried so many happy tears lately just thinking about that.
I can count my blessings instead of my problems. I can smile even though I hate my smile. I can look at myself in the mirror and be ok with it. I can live what I’ve said for the last 21 yrs.  Oh to see through HIS eyes! It’s beautiful!! The best part is that one day I will see beauty that we can’t even comprehend yet. I will see the people I’ve read about in the Bible! Oh and even better....I will see the one who loves me more than I can comprehend.

Boundaries

Boundaries..:

My little girl is running her first “race” this Sat. To say I’m excited is an understatement. I’ve dreamed of running with my children. I thought I never would have that chance. She’s super excited too as she LOVES to run! In the summer she would run almost a mile everyday. I didn’t ask her too, she would ask me. She loves to run because she sees me run. Which brings me to this point....Children do what they see and know.  I began running because my dad ran and my two brothers ran. Some of my fav memories is my dad running and my bro and I riding our bikes with him. He would ALWAYS have to slow down and push me up the  hills, but never once complained. I enjoyed being outside and being active, but never set out to be a runner.  I can’t say I enjoyed it. Crazy huh? My parents NEVER pushed me to pursue running. Ever! Actually they were totally fine with me not running. I was on the basketball team, cheerleader, band, Girl Scouts, and honors classes so I had a full plate already. But my best friend decides to join the XC team our freshman yr of high school. So, of course I did too! ! All 4 yrs of High school all I heard from Coaches, friends, and my parents was how I could beat her. Umm..No way! I never believed that until college and I beat her in my last XC race which led our team to go to Nationals in CA. How I could be like my brother who was the #1 in the state? But my bro dropped out of college track cause it was too hard and I stayed. I’m not saying these things to brag, but I find it odd I was the one in the family who stuck to running but favored it the least. Why I wonder? Was I truly running for enjoyment or for others?   All I heard was I never fulfilled my potential and how upset they would be at me. Honestly I didn’t believe them but even if I did, I was ok with just running and enjoying it.

So....what happened in College? How did it go from something I wasn’t super crazy about to something that controlled my life? I can’t truly answer that. I think it was a lot of things that contributed to it...but most of all there was ZERO boundaries in anything in my life. When I entered college I didn’t have any boundaries to go by. So, I took it to the extreme. Extreme training that summer. Extreme “healthy” eating.” Extreme standards in EVERYTHING I was doing.

I’m saying all this because as I teach my little girl how to run, I plan on teaching her how to have boundaries in her life. How to balance life. Do I have it all figured out yet? Umm no! But I can say I have a balanced life now. I run long some days. I run short some days. Some days it’s tough and some days it’s an easy run. Some days I don’t even run at all and sleep!!!!! Haha Some days I eat awful and some days I eat healthy. Some days the house is a wreck and some days it’s spotless..I have boundaries that keep me from going back to my old ways. One is racing. I just can’t. I’m WAY too competitive and it just fuels them flame. I don’t buy a lot of junk so it keeps me from being tempted. Boundaries is a WHOLE anew thing for me. My family had Zero blundaries. I was able to basically do what I wanted. That’s to say I never did anything bad really but my parents trusted me WAY too much! Too much trust for a high school girl. Also, our home had ZERO boundaries as we were all able to treat each other like dirt basically. Soooooo much disrespect. So much back talk. So much anger.. I think this has been. HUGE thing for me to work on in marriage. What do you mean your parents never yelled? If mine weren’t yelling then I better be looking back for them!

My husband is doing an amazing job at teaching me boundaries in that I can be ok with certain things, certain situations, and to model how to not let the girls overstep their blundroes( they  are crazy sweet but not perfect, haha).

Running for me makes  me feel free. I feel sooo happy when I run. I feel like all my problems are gone. Running is time I  just pray to God. But...without boundaries on my running it can go right back to the horrible trail I ran on for yrs. The trail I run on now is still kinda hilly at times. It is still a tough course at times, but I have boundaries now and I know that I can either stop and run up that hill with the Lord, or run by myself with my boundaries. When my baby runs Sat...she will have boundaries. She will have a mom and dad and most of all a Heavenly Father to teach her how to run for Christ.

Sweet life..

I loved baking as a kid. There is something magical about mixing up ingredients, putting them into the oven and having the sweet smell fill up the house and finally tasting it. My mom is a VERY good cook. Her recipes have won competitons even. But, my mom never let me help much in the kitchen that I remember and when I did, she seemed to not want to give up control. My dad was too afraid of messes. But, then there was my Mamaw(my mom’s mom)My fav person ever!! She lived 1/4 mile from us. She was the heart of our family. She ALWAYS let me help. She would even say “how will you learn if you don’t try.” I learned soooo much from her. I learned how to make cornbread, soup beans, homemade biscuits, homemade apple butter, apple stack cake, sourdough bread, and even how to make my Frosted Flakes even sweeter(cause you need more sugar on them she would say). My Mamaw taught me how to sew. The quilts she made, she was offered a lot of money but she always said she wasn’t selling them but making them for family. My Mamaw taught me so much about working in the garden. We had a 2 acre garden and she taught me so much about how to be the best gardener. Even more than cooking, baking, and sewing she taught me that God comes first. She would always read her Bible before bed. Always! I never saw my parents read their Bible(doesn’t mean they didn’t cause they know the Bible well). I remember almost every single day in the summer I would run by her house and she would be outside and “cheer” for me. I have more memories with her than I do anyone. When she got Alzheimer’s, we were determined to not put her in a nursing home. So, when it go really bad she lived  with us for a while but that led to even more confusion. So...I became her “Dr.” All summer long I lived with her and took care of her. I made sure she ate, had her medicine, and of course our nightly routine of Wheel of Fortune. I could say some hilarious stories about that time but also some of the saddest time as well. My Mamaw was my favorite person in the world to me.
I never realized how much she influenced me until she was gone. That’s when the disorder got really bad. It was my freshman yr of college. My Mamaw died. How would I make it? I remember playing my trumpet at her funeral and it was so hard not to just break down. I actually did break down when it was time to leave her...I lost it. Even typing this makes me cry. I miss her every single day of my life. She was like my mom, my best best friend and more. When we were at Focus we had to mke a timeline of our “eating disorder history.” I didn’t realize until then that I lost my Mamaw, my uncle, my aunt(mamas sister and best friend) in 6 months. My great aunt and uncle lived 1/4 mile from my Mamaw. They grieved for her I believe. I did too. Then that same yr my little bro became deathly ill, I was 2.5 hrs away and in my first yr of teaching(which was stressful enough).
I feel like I couldn’t handle all that was happening. I’ve learned the past 5 yrs that even though I know scripture, I don’t LIVE it. If I lived it, then I may have not went down the road to and would know how to deal with the pain. I wasn’t starving only to be skinny. Eating disorders ARE NOT all about being thin. I was starving because I hurt. I was starving because I wanted love. I’ve learned through marriage I have NO idea what love is. None. It’s something I’ve wanted my whole life and I do believe now I got it....but didn’t receive it. I felt like love was earned. Ummm. No. Love is a free gift that is the best gift Jesus gave. He is stage definition of true love. His love has kept me “above water” these last 5 yrs. His love is truly all I’ve had in many times in my life. His love was seen In my Mamaw. Every single day she lived. I’m crying again just tying this. But I’m some ways, it’s happy tears cause I know I will see her again. Until then...my desire is to be an influence like her. I also want to perfect all the recipes I have of hers cause I truly believe her recipes are as good and sweet as a taste of Heaven itself.

Choices.

My whole family is sick with the flu. It is as bad as everyone says. I can’t sleep, so I figured I’d write. Last night we listened to our old church  online since we couldn’t attend our church.  Like always it was a sermon that made me ponder and think. “You don’t get to decide when and how you will die, but you can decide how you will live for today.”  We make sooo many decisions everyday. -What to wear, what to eat, what to watch on tv(although we have no cable, lol), what to read in the Bible, and many more. We also decide how we are going to act and how we feel. These last few days have been so hard. I tried to keep my husband confined in a room(only going in to check on him, bring food/drink) in hopes the flu wouldn’t spread(and yes, we get flu shots). Our littlest one cried so much for him(she is all daddy’s girl), I had no help, and honestly I was tired of being “supermom”, but I realized I have two choices. One, I can either just quit and the family crumble or pray for God to give me strength to Dr everyone while I felt horrible as well. Sometimes we have to decide to do what’s hard. My parents taught me all to well to “toughen up” and go on. It’s not somthing I really want my girls to have to do, but I do want them to know God will give them strength through the rough times. All throughout our Christian walk, we chose whether to do what’s right in Gods eyes or mans. We decide whether to spend time in his word or not. We decide whether we are going to love our spouse even if he hurt your feelings. We decide on whether we are going to be the hands and feet of Jesus or to let others do all the work.
I’m saying all this because our lives comes down to two choices. God or man? One can’t have both. Trust me I’ve tried. It lead to nothing but heartache and regrets. We can’t choose our parsers and how they  raised us(and I’m not saying mine did a bad job...I LOVE Amy parents)  we can’t choose when we will die, but we DO choose where we will go when we do die! I know I will Jesus one day! I know my parents, my twin, my grandparents and friends that have passed on will be there. But I don’t know if I will even get one crown to give back to Jesus. I sure don’t deserve it. But I know I have decided to walk with him, honor him, and glorify him until then. I will that one running as fast as my legs will go! I will hug my Mamaws neck and say how I missed her. I will then hug my husbands mom and say oh how grateful I am for her. She made an impact on me without ever meeting her.
Choices...what will you decide? Today I chose to follow Christ and to eat what I want and thank him for it. I chose  to run and praise him for my legs that work. Today I chose to thank him that we “only” have the flu and for our health. Today I chose to lay down my selfishness, pride, and thank for dying on the cross for it and my sin. Today WILL be a good day! Why? Because Jesus gave life and he gave it abundantly!

Who am I?

It is soooo cold here so the girls and I are staying cooped up inside which means lots of crafts and baking going on. I had a thought as I was making a snowflake craft with my girls. I was explaining how every snowflake is different and unique. That led to explaining how God created all  of us so different but special. This is somthing that  I want my girls to understand completely. I never have truly  grasped that until the last couple yrs. Who am I was always somthing I was asking myself. I lost my twin so I have always felt like half of me was missing. I never felt complete when I was little. Growing up, I feel like my identity was D’s little girl as I look EXACTLY alike my dad. I remember thinking but I want to look like my beautiful mom! Lol In High school I was identified as J’s little sister. He was the best athlete in the school in every sport and well...I really didn’t care so much about being #1.  I was completely ok with third place! Haha Its just a game! I remember one teacher when I was in calculus telling my parents that I’m just not getting it and that my brother looked out the window and got it! Well, excuse me, I’m not him!! I HATE math! I like band  class, art class, and English class(the complete total opposite of him).  Which that’s why I love K and he is an engineer. Haha Who am I?...A cheerleader, trumpet player, a Girl Scout, a runner, J’s sister, D’s daughter, was who I identified with until college. Then in college, I became lost! I was in a sea of people and had NO clue who I was or who any of them were. So, I had to make my own identity. I became a “real” runner. The best runner. That was me. In high school all my coaches and parents would get aggravated at me because “I didn’t run to my potential.” I felt like I was so when people told me I wasn’t I felt like I let them down. I’m all for doing things 100%, and I will want my girls to do their best. However, that’s not who they are!

If you're a follower of Jesus Christ, you're no longer a part of this world soaked in sin. Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. This life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." You're a new creation in Him; the old has passed and the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17)!Why do we, who have been called out by our Heavenly Father, try so hard to fit in and get approval from a world we are no longer a part of? We will never get their complete approval because here's the hard truth: If you've decided to follow Jesus with all your heart, you're never going to completely "fit in." NEVER FIT IN...grasp that! 

I can say I am FINALLY ok with not being what everyone else wants me to. I’m ok with letting others down, saying no, and not being perfect. It’s just TOO much to juggle. I have enjoyed learning who I am since I said “I do.” I am even thankful we moved towns, churches, and  quit my job because as hard as that was, it was best for me. Nobody knew me here..so NO expectations.  

All I really care about now is who I am in CHRIST. That’s is enough. That is plenty! 

Freedom

I remember the crippling shame all too well. Growing up, people knew me as “the good  girl” who always smiled and stayed out of trouble. I was in the top of my class, excelled in sports, and blessed with anything a child could want.  My life was perfect they thought. On the outside, my life appeared to be in order.However, behind closed doors my life was nothing but a rollercoaster I wanted off of. I remember always being so anxious everyday I was home. Would today be a good day or a bad day? Every sound made me jump. I remember thinking why don’t they just divorce! Life would be so much better! I remember clinging to my dads legs begging him not to leave. I remember even sitting at my high school homecoming and my dad was drunk(which was only 3 times to my knowledges my whole life). I remember my mom literally spanking me until I couldn’t sit down. I remember her outrage anger. I remember her chasing me, throwing whatever she could at me, or just yelling and more yelling. But putting on the perfect face for all to see. We were that perfect family my mom would be so upset if you embarrass her. Perfection... I was that kid who didn’t care about being #1. I didn’t care about my apperence(I mean I had two bros so really who would). I would rather be climbing trees. I wasnt out to impress boys or anyone...but heaven forbid me not to look perfect in  her eyes.  But yet, I love my dad and my mom crazy amounts. They did the best they could. They raised 3 children the absolute best they could.  They loved us more than any parent could I feel like. Proud is an understatement when it comes to them. 
     I am such a daddy’s girl. Maybe it’s becusse he seriously was the best dad. He was the one coloring with me, playing board games with me, always the one who would put in hrs to help my bro and I succeed at sports. He spent every bonus he had on us. He never spanked us one time. He sold his new truck so my bro could get his Jeep. I have more precious memories with my dad than my mom. But yet, so much pain was caused by him. How can you love some one so much but they cause you so much pain? Well, Jesus does. I’ve caused hik his life for my sin yet he loves me unconditionally. 
Until marriage I never knew how much my parents influenced me for the good and bad.
-Why wasn’t my mom ther efoe me when I needed her? Too embarrassed? Why? 
-Why couldn’t she accept my dads love? 
-Why couldn’t they just get along? -Why wasn they like a good Christian family?...sin. That’s why! We live in a sinful world. Until I realized I was sinning when I hurt my body, I thought that it’s somehing that I didn’t cause. It’s genetics to be more likely ocd, depressed, and end up with an ed. That may be true(I don’t know), but it doesn’t make it ok. I can’t hurt my body when people hurt me. I can’t hurt my body when I’m angry, get my feelings hurt or just don’t feel good about myself. I have to give it to God. That’s freedom. 
 I have a very hard time loving D like I want to, like he deserves, and like how my mind plays it out. I’ve learned I don’t know how to love. I never heard my mom/dad say those two words. I never saw them kiss. D grew up in a family that was pretty perfect. His parents never yelled and they were absolute best friends. Sometimes I feel like D would be better off without me and that he deserves a woman that loves him like he deserves. But God put us together and we cling to that. God put my parents together. My parents are an example of love never fails...they have been married 38 yrs. There marriage isn’t perfect by any means but I have seen God do so much I’m their life. I’m thankful that they never did break that covenant they made with God. I pray my girls say that their parents were so in love it was embarrassing! Lol I pray that they see what I saw at my friends house. I pray that they wait as long as it takes to find the one God has for them. It is worth it. I pray that most of all that they realize that no one will love them like Jesus. No one. 
This new yr is a yr I am so excited about! They say it takes 5 yr to recover and I finally made it to that point! I can say I am free! Free indeed! -Free from the bitterness, anger, and pain from the past. -Free from trying to meet everyone’s expectations. 
I can say that I have been recovered for 5 yrs now..and free from chains for 5 yrs as well. 
-Free from Satan’s lies -Free from fear foods -Free from rituals/ocd 
-Free from “having to run.” -Free from calorie counting -Free from caring what people think about me -Free from weight gain  And so much more! This is going to be a great yr! 

I never thought I’d get here. Never. I never thought I’d get here without meds. I wanted to give up many times. Dr after dr said I never would never get better without medication. But I knew that if God has everything in his word that we need to be “anxious for nothing..” I believe it! I believe Phil 4:13, Most of all I believe that Christ died for me and that one day I will get to thank him for the work he has done in my life these past 5 yrs. 
Bring on the new yr! This yr is a yr to love each day full of joy, full of fun, and full of ice cream and sprinkles! God is good. 

5 yrs.

5 yrs..where do I begin? I can’t believe it’s been 5 yrs since I left Focus. There is so much to tell that God has done in my life these last 5 yrs. I’ll start by saying I’m so thankful for Focus. It is a place that brings sadness to my life, but it is also the place where I found hope again. The month I was there was the hardest month of my life...but God gave me the strength to win the battle!  Thought for yrs that if I just pray more. If I just read my Bible more. If I just have more faith. If I just rely on God more. If I just find my identity in who Christ says I am. If I just fill my thoughts with Scripture. If I just force myself to eat. Then I will be able to resist the struggle. Besides, I’m not that thin. I won’t become sick enough for it to really count as an eating disorder. No one will ever know. 

These misconceptions about eating disorders prevented me from seeking professional help. The longer I kept silent, the more powerful the eating disorder grew. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make the thoughts stop. Sometimes I managed to suppress everything enough to think I had “gotten over it.” But the struggle always resurfaced. No matter how hard I prayed. No matter how much I read the Bible. No matter how much faith I placed in God. The mental battle persisted relentlessly.

• I loved Christ deeply and cared significantly more about what He thought of me. But I still developed at eating disorder.
• I believed in the healing power of God and lived a deeply prayerful life. But I still developed an eating disorder.
• I valued inner beauty far more than outward beauty But I still developed an eating disorder.
• I knew God’s unconditional love was a gift that I could never earn and that perfection was unattainable. But I still developed an eating disorder.
• I started a Children’s choir at my church, taught Bible school every yr, I went on a month long mission trip to Africa , I dated an incredible guy, and knew my family loved me unconditionally. But I still developed an eating disorder.
• I had been given every opportunity to succeed in life. But I still developed an eating disorder.

Eventually, my ability to think dissipated into a fog of malnutrition and major depression. The illness I had tried so desperately to control instead controlled me. When the shame of my struggles became too much to bear, I resorted to self-harm for relief.

When I was at Focus, I met some amazing Christian friends there I am so thankful for. I met some people who need Christ and I was able to witness to them. With that said, Focus is where I realized I truly can do nothing without Jesus. He was all I had while there. It was also the place that I learned I held onto so much anger, hurt, and more anger. I was angry that despite my parents being amazing in the parent aspect, I saw abuse, so much anger, and my mom try to kill herself. I saw my dad try to gain my moms love but she resisted it and chose anger instead. I never saw them love each other(which is why marriage has been so hard for me cause I am so clueless on how to love).  At Focus I realized that being molested as a 4th grader(not by family) affected me in ways I had no idea. I also learned that I was holding on to so much bitterness with my mom cause I went to her for help when I realized I had a problem, but she did nothing. My husband(More him on this topic) and Focus helped me realize that I had to let go of all the pain. I had to give it to God and that’s all I could do. 

After leaving I was supposed to go back to outpatient but I basically begged David not to. I wanted to be home. Well, being home led to a VERY unexpected pregnancy 3 weeks after I left. I know God gave us Hannah cause she has been a HUGE part in my recovery. There is NOTHING I’ve ever wanted to be more than a mom. God allowed ME a child after I did to my body? Having Hannah made me realize the sacrifice God made. There is no way I could give up my little girl for this sin filled world. God did. I look at my little girl and see Grace, Love, and a huge answered prayer that Drs. Said would never happen. 

After having Hannah life got very crazy! I quit my dream job(Kindergarten teacher). It was a very hard decision but I wouldn’t go back if they paid me triple. David and I had a baby, we moved(from my dream home) to Knoxville, moved churches, and I left all my friends. It was a sad time in my life for sure. I once again felt lonely. Change is the hardest thing for me in my recovery. I went through a very angry stage. I wanted my old life back. I hated the church I went to(just didn’t fit in), missed running a lot(I pushed Hannah everyday but it’s not the same), and having a “purpose.” It took many months for me to adapt to the new normal. Looking back now, I am in awe of how God orchestrated it all. He truly knows what’s best for my life. 

After we moved, David switched companies and we got pregnant again! Praise God for his blessings! Little Grace was exactly what her name is. When Grace was born I began to realize I am a mom...that is ENOUGH! I embraced my role and I don’t take it lightly. Everyday I spend with my two little girls I want them to see Christ in my life. 

Almost a yr after Grace was born, we decided to sell our house and move closer to church. David and I want to be involved as much as we can and it’s so hard with two little one living 30 min from church. Another big change, and another time I had to trust God. Sometimes I would think why is God allowing all these changes? But wait! During times are hard it was when I clung to his promises and had to tell Satan “not today!” I have grown so much in my walk with Christ these last 5 yrs. 

The last 5 yrs have been tough..brutal not like it! But with that said, it has been the best 5 yrs of my life. I can laugh again. I am becoming “the old me” in that I love to be around people again. I look forward to meals and running is more of “me time” vs a have to. I have learned what real love is. I can look in the mirror and say thank you God even though I see flaw after flaw. I am blessed. I am happy. I am free. 

The last thing I’d like to make note of is verses that helped me. 

-Does anyone really and truly love me?

John 3:16-17

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

God knows you perfectly and cherishes you with His endless love. To convince you that God will never forsake you or forget you, He says, "See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands" (Isaiah 49:16). You are deeply and forever loved by God.

-Can I trust God? 

Proverbs 3:5-6 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.

After being hurt by actions and words and having your trust continually broken, it may feel safer to depend on something tangible, like food and weight. However, think about the pain the eating disorder has caused in your life. Turn to God, let Him speak to you through His Word, and talk to Him as your Friend and pray for His help. 

I look back on these last 5 yrs and I praise the Lord for what’s he’s done in my life. I can say that if having an eating disorder was to bring me closer to him, it was all worth it. Do I struggle anymore? Honestly I do struggle with thoughts at times, but I now know how to overcome those thoughts. I feel this may be “the thorn in my flesh” but it’s something that keeps me clinging to Gods word and his promises. It’s still a topic that is hard to talk about but maybe God will use me one day to help others. May my struggles bring him glory. Philippians 4:8 says 

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.