It is finished..

“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple” (1 Corinthians 3:16- 17).

I wish I had thought of this passage as I refused to eat or ate to much and got rid of it.. I didn’t, of course. I was much too busy destroying myself to think of Christ’s love letter to me. I’ll never do it again I’d tell myself. 

None of us deserve God’s grace and redemption. I’ll never cease to be amazed at how He has redeemed me! I’m redeemed today, because the only pain I couldn’t bear was the pain I knew stabbed His heart as He watched me hurt my body. I was hurting myself and didn’t care as long as I could be thin. I was revolting because of what I was putting my body through. But God saw past all that, and He has redeemed me!

“Eating disorders.” I hate the phrase. It’s scientific and functional and broad. The struggle of mind, soul and body that the phrase refers to is none of these things. I think of eating disorders as image disorders, or as heart disorders, because eating disorders are a misorder of values, visions and sufficiency.

By understanding where the core of the problem lies and checking what the Bible has to say about our bodies, we can grasp hope and faith. 

For the past few yrs, I have sought to discover  the many mysteries involved in my food disorders and discovered a multitude of questions. The more I make myself look at my own struggle and its roots, the more I realize how many things have caused my problem: society, friends, peers, and family. However, the real problem isn’t any of those. The real problem is sin. Even though I may be more genetically likely to have an ed, it’s still a sin issue. Nothing else you can really blame it on. 

God didn’t need to create you, but He chose to create you for His own enjoyment. When you fully understand how much God loves you and how much He wants to have a relationship with you — His special, unique creation — you will never again have a problem with feeling insignificant.

You can do everything as if you were doing it for Jesus and by carrying on a continual conversation with Him while you do. If this happens, disorders of the image, of the mind and of the heart will eventually fade as our focus is taken off ourselves and placed on His face. Not only will this eliminate our poor self-esteem, but it will also help us remember the Bible’s command to supply a holy place of worship for the Spirit. 

 “You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you mmout of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God.” 

When we surrender our bodies to Christ, knowing that they are not our own, we can enter into a light of truth in which He has called us and leave the dark and desperate fights for control. In the life of a Christian, control is not even ours to fight for, because we are not our own but belong to our Creator.

All I wanted was to be a tad bit more thinner so I could run faster(which is anlie because thin doesn’t mean fast). . I “had to” be #1 so I could make everyone proud. To “have my thing.” To be someone..” .If we seek sufficiency in anyone but Him, we’ll never be content. The comparison game is one we can’t win. Those who are in Christ have no condemnation or comparison, so to measure our sufficiency in others is to measure in a way He doesn’t. let’s seek our beauty, our belonging and our futures in the arms of Christ. He hurts deeply when we settle for less, thinking we’ll find more. He’s more than enough for all of us.

“No man can serve two masters” has a new meaning for those of us who have made control of our bodies a master force in our lives. If your weight controls your thoughts, dictates your habits and consumes your time, then it’s a master. And if food is one’s master, then God is no master at all.

Is your desire or need to lose weight an expression of your living for Him or of your living for yourself? Jeremiah 31:3 reminds us that God has loved us with an everlasting love. That enables us to trust that neither the weight of our bodies nor the weight of our sins is able to keep us from His precious love and acceptance.

We have to know what we’re hungry for before we can “hunger and thirst after righteousness.” We always have the drive and the time for the things in life that are truly important to us. If righteousness is a high priority, then we need to evaluate what must happen in order to seek this. I’d dare to venture that little righteousness or Christseeking can be found in many of our diets.

I was sure that nothing could control my eating and my body, yet Scripture tells us that this is not so. “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food,” 1 Corinthians 6:13 says, “but God will destroy them both.” 

Wake up! You are not your own! You’ve been bought with a great price; therefore, glorify God with your body. He’s promised that once we let Him lead our hearts in our search for skinniness, we’ll find that He fulfills His promise to always lead us in His triumph. 

He loves you exactly as you are! And He loves you as though you were the only person on earth. He died with you on His heart. May we live with only Him on ours.

This is my last post about ED. I feel as if there isn’t really a reason to post about it anymore. I don’t really struggle at all and I feel it isn’t good to think upon it anymore. If I journal anymore, it will be more of crazy life or random thoughts I have. I pray that I have been an encouragement to someone....and I pray that you give your life(body and heart) over to him and finish the race strong. My dad always said “it’s not how you start, but how you finish.” My finish line is waiting amd it is the best prize I’ll ever receive. 

Everyone has a story

Everyone has a “story.”  Some of their stories is how they were raised in a picture perfect family(my husband) but lost their mom way too early(him as well). Some are stories are how they because successful, famous, a millionaire, or called to be a missionary. However, some are pain, sorrow, and more pain but how God gave them strength. My story is my own. Your story is your own. Oh so different butpart of Gods perfect plan. Would I change my story? Honestly I would..but that may mean I didn’t cling to Gods word when I felt I literally couldn’t eat or when my legs felt like they might fall off but had to run anyways. When I look back at my story I see Gods hand all over my life! I see protection, grace, and love. I was in some pretty bad situations growing up, but I wouldn’t change it. It made me realize my dependence on God. I remember as a 6 yr old crying so hard out my window and just praying to God to help my family.
My “story” is one who saw abuse, was abused, molested, who became an addict..a Real addict. That’s hard to write but it’s the truth. But my story doesn’t define me. If anything it shows what an awesomeGod we serve.
This past Sunday I listened to a friend in the church nursery tell me her story...I was floored! The pain  she has went through the last 2 yrs is almost unbearable. Today I talked to my friend who talked to me about how she lost her baby. A couple at church have a daughter with half a heart and the days are mostly numbered. I look on FB and I see a family who lost their son to a horrible accident. I think back to my little brothers testimony(which should be a post on its own) of how he was the best athlete in VA on his way to breaking my olders brothers records and on to VT to run...but God had other plans. Why God?
Stories...I LOVE to read. But I honestly only  like true stories. Why read fake stuff? Lol Anyways, the greatest story ever written was the Bible. It’s one Big story. A story that has pain that we can’t even fathom going though (like Job) to strength(Samson), to faith(Abraham), to heartbreak(Sarah and Hannah for a baby)....well ANYTHING that we as humans on this earth will go through. Why did God want us to know those stories? Because all of the stories will go back to one person-JESUS!
I pray with all my heart that my story will one day help someone..if not many. I want to shout to the rooftops on what God  has done in my life.
All my hope is in Jesus! Thank God my yesterday is gone. All my sims are forgiven. I’ve been washed by the blood...and one day my story will be finished and the best ending I could hope for!
Do you know Jesus? Oh what a friend we have in Him. He is the best author I’ve ever met!

Give me eyes to see Lord

I am legally blind without my glasses or contacts. I literally can see nothing without them.  Even though I can see perfect with my contacts, I feel like at times  I still can’t see clearly. All my life Ive looked  in the mirror and hated what I see. But if I look  through the eyes of God I should see a beautiful lady. Umm no. All I seen was someone with so many imperfections and well..ugly. . Never good enough. But if my girls felt that way I would cry! They are perfect in every way cause God made them the way he wanted. When we tell our girls how smart or  how pretty they are we try to tell  they respond because God made me that way.
I think my whole entire 33 yrs of life I’ve tried to find love....no matter where I looked I couldn’t find it. But, that ridiculous because my parents loved me unconditionally. Most importantly I have a Father who loves me!!Why can’t I see it? I think at times I’ve not felt like even Jesus doesn’t love me. I mean why would he? I could see why he would love someone like my husband, my Pastors wife, or a few women at our church...but me?!? Umm no. I have questioned my salvation. I questioned everything lately. Am I saved? Even though I asked Jesus into my heart at 12 yr old did I mean it? I’ve tried since that day to honor his commandments, to bear fruit, and to show others Christ. But yet, at the same time I have felt so sad and so angry still at times. Anger that is scary. Sadness that is scary. How can that be? What was wrong with me?
 After a long talk with our Pastor, he reassured me of my salvation(well..he isn’t the judge but...) but I just have a hard time defeating Satan’s lies about myself and anger(sin). Depression is real. OCD is real. I haven’t let go of the pain of my past. Even more so I haven’t seen with the eyes of Jesus.
Oh but these last few months I have been! I AM LOVED. I am HIS child. I don’t deserve it no, but He loves me!! I’ve cried so many happy tears lately just thinking about that.
I can count my blessings instead of my problems. I can smile even though I hate my smile. I can look at myself in the mirror and be ok with it. I can live what I’ve said for the last 21 yrs.  Oh to see through HIS eyes! It’s beautiful!! The best part is that one day I will see beauty that we can’t even comprehend yet. I will see the people I’ve read about in the Bible! Oh and even better....I will see the one who loves me more than I can comprehend.

Boundaries

Boundaries..:

My little girl is running her first “race” this Sat. To say I’m excited is an understatement. I’ve dreamed of running with my children. I thought I never would have that chance. She’s super excited too as she LOVES to run! In the summer she would run almost a mile everyday. I didn’t ask her too, she would ask me. She loves to run because she sees me run. Which brings me to this point....Children do what they see and know.  I began running because my dad ran and my two brothers ran. Some of my fav memories is my dad running and my bro and I riding our bikes with him. He would ALWAYS have to slow down and push me up the  hills, but never once complained. I enjoyed being outside and being active, but never set out to be a runner.  I can’t say I enjoyed it. Crazy huh? My parents NEVER pushed me to pursue running. Ever! Actually they were totally fine with me not running. I was on the basketball team, cheerleader, band, Girl Scouts, and honors classes so I had a full plate already. But my best friend decides to join the XC team our freshman yr of high school. So, of course I did too! ! All 4 yrs of High school all I heard from Coaches, friends, and my parents was how I could beat her. Umm..No way! I never believed that until college and I beat her in my last XC race which led our team to go to Nationals in CA. How I could be like my brother who was the #1 in the state? But my bro dropped out of college track cause it was too hard and I stayed. I’m not saying these things to brag, but I find it odd I was the one in the family who stuck to running but favored it the least. Why I wonder? Was I truly running for enjoyment or for others?   All I heard was I never fulfilled my potential and how upset they would be at me. Honestly I didn’t believe them but even if I did, I was ok with just running and enjoying it.

So....what happened in College? How did it go from something I wasn’t super crazy about to something that controlled my life? I can’t truly answer that. I think it was a lot of things that contributed to it...but most of all there was ZERO boundaries in anything in my life. When I entered college I didn’t have any boundaries to go by. So, I took it to the extreme. Extreme training that summer. Extreme “healthy” eating.” Extreme standards in EVERYTHING I was doing.

I’m saying all this because as I teach my little girl how to run, I plan on teaching her how to have boundaries in her life. How to balance life. Do I have it all figured out yet? Umm no! But I can say I have a balanced life now. I run long some days. I run short some days. Some days it’s tough and some days it’s an easy run. Some days I don’t even run at all and sleep!!!!! Haha Some days I eat awful and some days I eat healthy. Some days the house is a wreck and some days it’s spotless..I have boundaries that keep me from going back to my old ways. One is racing. I just can’t. I’m WAY too competitive and it just fuels them flame. I don’t buy a lot of junk so it keeps me from being tempted. Boundaries is a WHOLE anew thing for me. My family had Zero blundaries. I was able to basically do what I wanted. That’s to say I never did anything bad really but my parents trusted me WAY too much! Too much trust for a high school girl. Also, our home had ZERO boundaries as we were all able to treat each other like dirt basically. Soooooo much disrespect. So much back talk. So much anger.. I think this has been. HUGE thing for me to work on in marriage. What do you mean your parents never yelled? If mine weren’t yelling then I better be looking back for them!

My husband is doing an amazing job at teaching me boundaries in that I can be ok with certain things, certain situations, and to model how to not let the girls overstep their blundroes( they  are crazy sweet but not perfect, haha).

Running for me makes  me feel free. I feel sooo happy when I run. I feel like all my problems are gone. Running is time I  just pray to God. But...without boundaries on my running it can go right back to the horrible trail I ran on for yrs. The trail I run on now is still kinda hilly at times. It is still a tough course at times, but I have boundaries now and I know that I can either stop and run up that hill with the Lord, or run by myself with my boundaries. When my baby runs Sat...she will have boundaries. She will have a mom and dad and most of all a Heavenly Father to teach her how to run for Christ.

Sweet life..

I loved baking as a kid. There is something magical about mixing up ingredients, putting them into the oven and having the sweet smell fill up the house and finally tasting it. My mom is a VERY good cook. Her recipes have won competitons even. But, my mom never let me help much in the kitchen that I remember and when I did, she seemed to not want to give up control. My dad was too afraid of messes. But, then there was my Mamaw(my mom’s mom)My fav person ever!! She lived 1/4 mile from us. She was the heart of our family. She ALWAYS let me help. She would even say “how will you learn if you don’t try.” I learned soooo much from her. I learned how to make cornbread, soup beans, homemade biscuits, homemade apple butter, apple stack cake, sourdough bread, and even how to make my Frosted Flakes even sweeter(cause you need more sugar on them she would say). My Mamaw taught me how to sew. The quilts she made, she was offered a lot of money but she always said she wasn’t selling them but making them for family. My Mamaw taught me so much about working in the garden. We had a 2 acre garden and she taught me so much about how to be the best gardener. Even more than cooking, baking, and sewing she taught me that God comes first. She would always read her Bible before bed. Always! I never saw my parents read their Bible(doesn’t mean they didn’t cause they know the Bible well). I remember almost every single day in the summer I would run by her house and she would be outside and “cheer” for me. I have more memories with her than I do anyone. When she got Alzheimer’s, we were determined to not put her in a nursing home. So, when it go really bad she lived  with us for a while but that led to even more confusion. So...I became her “Dr.” All summer long I lived with her and took care of her. I made sure she ate, had her medicine, and of course our nightly routine of Wheel of Fortune. I could say some hilarious stories about that time but also some of the saddest time as well. My Mamaw was my favorite person in the world to me.
I never realized how much she influenced me until she was gone. That’s when the disorder got really bad. It was my freshman yr of college. My Mamaw died. How would I make it? I remember playing my trumpet at her funeral and it was so hard not to just break down. I actually did break down when it was time to leave her...I lost it. Even typing this makes me cry. I miss her every single day of my life. She was like my mom, my best best friend and more. When we were at Focus we had to mke a timeline of our “eating disorder history.” I didn’t realize until then that I lost my Mamaw, my uncle, my aunt(mamas sister and best friend) in 6 months. My great aunt and uncle lived 1/4 mile from my Mamaw. They grieved for her I believe. I did too. Then that same yr my little bro became deathly ill, I was 2.5 hrs away and in my first yr of teaching(which was stressful enough).
I feel like I couldn’t handle all that was happening. I’ve learned the past 5 yrs that even though I know scripture, I don’t LIVE it. If I lived it, then I may have not went down the road to and would know how to deal with the pain. I wasn’t starving only to be skinny. Eating disorders ARE NOT all about being thin. I was starving because I hurt. I was starving because I wanted love. I’ve learned through marriage I have NO idea what love is. None. It’s something I’ve wanted my whole life and I do believe now I got it....but didn’t receive it. I felt like love was earned. Ummm. No. Love is a free gift that is the best gift Jesus gave. He is stage definition of true love. His love has kept me “above water” these last 5 yrs. His love is truly all I’ve had in many times in my life. His love was seen In my Mamaw. Every single day she lived. I’m crying again just tying this. But I’m some ways, it’s happy tears cause I know I will see her again. Until then...my desire is to be an influence like her. I also want to perfect all the recipes I have of hers cause I truly believe her recipes are as good and sweet as a taste of Heaven itself.

Choices.

My whole family is sick with the flu. It is as bad as everyone says. I can’t sleep, so I figured I’d write. Last night we listened to our old church  online since we couldn’t attend our church.  Like always it was a sermon that made me ponder and think. “You don’t get to decide when and how you will die, but you can decide how you will live for today.”  We make sooo many decisions everyday. -What to wear, what to eat, what to watch on tv(although we have no cable, lol), what to read in the Bible, and many more. We also decide how we are going to act and how we feel. These last few days have been so hard. I tried to keep my husband confined in a room(only going in to check on him, bring food/drink) in hopes the flu wouldn’t spread(and yes, we get flu shots). Our littlest one cried so much for him(she is all daddy’s girl), I had no help, and honestly I was tired of being “supermom”, but I realized I have two choices. One, I can either just quit and the family crumble or pray for God to give me strength to Dr everyone while I felt horrible as well. Sometimes we have to decide to do what’s hard. My parents taught me all to well to “toughen up” and go on. It’s not somthing I really want my girls to have to do, but I do want them to know God will give them strength through the rough times. All throughout our Christian walk, we chose whether to do what’s right in Gods eyes or mans. We decide whether to spend time in his word or not. We decide whether we are going to love our spouse even if he hurt your feelings. We decide on whether we are going to be the hands and feet of Jesus or to let others do all the work.
I’m saying all this because our lives comes down to two choices. God or man? One can’t have both. Trust me I’ve tried. It lead to nothing but heartache and regrets. We can’t choose our parsers and how they  raised us(and I’m not saying mine did a bad job...I LOVE Amy parents)  we can’t choose when we will die, but we DO choose where we will go when we do die! I know I will Jesus one day! I know my parents, my twin, my grandparents and friends that have passed on will be there. But I don’t know if I will even get one crown to give back to Jesus. I sure don’t deserve it. But I know I have decided to walk with him, honor him, and glorify him until then. I will that one running as fast as my legs will go! I will hug my Mamaws neck and say how I missed her. I will then hug my husbands mom and say oh how grateful I am for her. She made an impact on me without ever meeting her.
Choices...what will you decide? Today I chose to follow Christ and to eat what I want and thank him for it. I chose  to run and praise him for my legs that work. Today I chose to thank him that we “only” have the flu and for our health. Today I chose to lay down my selfishness, pride, and thank for dying on the cross for it and my sin. Today WILL be a good day! Why? Because Jesus gave life and he gave it abundantly!

Who am I?

It is soooo cold here so the girls and I are staying cooped up inside which means lots of crafts and baking going on. I had a thought as I was making a snowflake craft with my girls. I was explaining how every snowflake is different and unique. That led to explaining how God created all  of us so different but special. This is somthing that  I want my girls to understand completely. I never have truly  grasped that until the last couple yrs. Who am I was always somthing I was asking myself. I lost my twin so I have always felt like half of me was missing. I never felt complete when I was little. Growing up, I feel like my identity was D’s little girl as I look EXACTLY alike my dad. I remember thinking but I want to look like my beautiful mom! Lol In High school I was identified as J’s little sister. He was the best athlete in the school in every sport and well...I really didn’t care so much about being #1.  I was completely ok with third place! Haha Its just a game! I remember one teacher when I was in calculus telling my parents that I’m just not getting it and that my brother looked out the window and got it! Well, excuse me, I’m not him!! I HATE math! I like band  class, art class, and English class(the complete total opposite of him).  Which that’s why I love K and he is an engineer. Haha Who am I?...A cheerleader, trumpet player, a Girl Scout, a runner, J’s sister, D’s daughter, was who I identified with until college. Then in college, I became lost! I was in a sea of people and had NO clue who I was or who any of them were. So, I had to make my own identity. I became a “real” runner. The best runner. That was me. In high school all my coaches and parents would get aggravated at me because “I didn’t run to my potential.” I felt like I was so when people told me I wasn’t I felt like I let them down. I’m all for doing things 100%, and I will want my girls to do their best. However, that’s not who they are!

If you're a follower of Jesus Christ, you're no longer a part of this world soaked in sin. Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. This life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." You're a new creation in Him; the old has passed and the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17)!Why do we, who have been called out by our Heavenly Father, try so hard to fit in and get approval from a world we are no longer a part of? We will never get their complete approval because here's the hard truth: If you've decided to follow Jesus with all your heart, you're never going to completely "fit in." NEVER FIT IN...grasp that! 

I can say I am FINALLY ok with not being what everyone else wants me to. I’m ok with letting others down, saying no, and not being perfect. It’s just TOO much to juggle. I have enjoyed learning who I am since I said “I do.” I am even thankful we moved towns, churches, and  quit my job because as hard as that was, it was best for me. Nobody knew me here..so NO expectations.  

All I really care about now is who I am in CHRIST. That’s is enough. That is plenty!