Mine! All mine!

It’s that time of yr for Duck Duck Goose. It’s a huge consignment sale that you can buy anything from baby stuff, to, maternity, and up to the teen yrs. For the last two yrs I’ve sold quite a bit of stuff there. It’s a ton of work though, but worth it! This Spring I have over $1,500 worth of items to sell. It’s crazy! How did we accumulate this much stuff?!? Oh wait...we live in America and we “have” to have that much stuff. As I go through the items  my little girls play with the toys or look at the clothes and make more messes for me to clean up. However, hardly ever does my 3 yr old say mommy don’t sell that. She knows I’m selling everything I price, but she NEVER complains. Maybe it’s because she knows with that money I will use it to buy her more things or maybe she doesn’t really care...but my point is most 3 yr old  would be begging to keep EVERYTHING! That made me think, what could I live without? Hmm. I have to say I would have a VERY hard time living without my Bible, peanut butter, bread, ice cream, a vehicle or else I’d go stir crazy, my phone, or my voice as I talk non stop at home to my girls and my husband, haha. I can’t imagine giving up running, music, or a hot shower either. I have to say that when I was in Zimbabwe  I was without every single one of those things and by the end of week I was ready to go home. It showed me how “glued” I am to so many things. When I got back after that month, the first thing I did was take a super long shower, went for a run, check fb, ate ice cream that night and watched tv. How fast we go back to our old ways!!
These last 5 yrs of my life I feel like I’ve had to give up a lot. It may have been for a better reason, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I gave up my dream job to stay home with my girls. I gave up my dream house beside my friends and 1/2 mile from the school I worked at for a fixer upper house so I could stay home with my girls. I gave up new XTERRA for a older van so my nieces could all ride with us and hopefully take them to church. I gave cable so we could save money. I have up spending whatever I wanted to having a budget so we could be be debt free.  I gave up running hard core in place of more time for my girls. I gave up my body to be healthy and be what the Lord wants. I gave up contemporary Christian music to honor my husbands convictions. The list could go on and on, but here is the point. What are you giving up and why? The only things that Truly matter in this life is how we live for Christ? So, what are you “glued” to? I have to admit I am glued to my phone too much. Pinterest is a crafty, teacher, and moms time zapper! Lol
How much am I running compared to how much time I’m in Gods word? How much time and I cleaning vs time I spend with my girls? What is our money spent on?
I want my girls to have everything my husband and I can give them. He knows that as I tell him quite often. But not so much toys, cable, or the coolest new thing. None of that is wrong. Really. It’s just that we both feel we’d rether spend our money on a Christian education(which will take 3 jobs!!!), and on mission trips, and on music lesson. Shew..my husband has his work cut out for him cause I told him I am fine never going back to work cause I am “honoring God and staying home with our little blessings!!” Hahahahaa Anyways. I want a simple life. A life where our kids don’t even know what the latest new toy is, the Hollywood stars, or what fashion really is. We only need ONE thing in this world and that’s Jesus. Lord help me to remember that from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. You are enough. More than enough.

Blessings straight from Heaven...

Come to the alter, the Fathers arms are open wide.
Come today. No reason to wait.
Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy.
Forgiveness was bought with Jesus Christ!

Lord, help me be your hands and feet. Help me to show you wherever I go. In our home, at church, at the playground to our neighbors that don’t know you. To my friend on fb. To my family and to strangers. Use my husband and I Lord for you glory! We trust you Lord.

Tell the world of the treasure you found.

Each step I take, lead the way Lord.
I feel you beside of me Lord.

Today I got to see new life. A miracle. A gift. A perfect little 8.9 pd four day old baby! One of my friends had a baby girl and gave us all a scare as we thought we might lose her. Thankfully she’s ok. Holding the baby made me miss my babies being so little. It didn’t help with baby fever ever! Haha
Oh how it made me realize how fast times flies by. I only have a short amount of time to pour into our children. Lord, help me. These are YOUR girls. I try to soak up every min I can but it’s never enough. They are growing too fast.
As I held new life, I have family who is clinging to life..Lord, you give and take away. Help us love each day as a gift. Help us to find joy in even the toughest days. My heart is sooo burdened for the lost in my family. Help them see the REAL JOY Jesus. REAL HOPE.
Lord we pray for little G..May she grow to love you. ❤️

It is finished..

“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple” (1 Corinthians 3:16- 17).

I wish I had thought of this passage as I refused to eat or ate to much and got rid of it.. I didn’t, of course. I was much too busy destroying myself to think of Christ’s love letter to me. I’ll never do it again I’d tell myself. 

None of us deserve God’s grace and redemption. I’ll never cease to be amazed at how He has redeemed me! I’m redeemed today, because the only pain I couldn’t bear was the pain I knew stabbed His heart as He watched me hurt my body. I was hurting myself and didn’t care as long as I could be thin. I was revolting because of what I was putting my body through. But God saw past all that, and He has redeemed me!

“Eating disorders.” I hate the phrase. It’s scientific and functional and broad. The struggle of mind, soul and body that the phrase refers to is none of these things. I think of eating disorders as image disorders, or as heart disorders, because eating disorders are a misorder of values, visions and sufficiency.

By understanding where the core of the problem lies and checking what the Bible has to say about our bodies, we can grasp hope and faith. 

For the past few yrs, I have sought to discover  the many mysteries involved in my food disorders and discovered a multitude of questions. The more I make myself look at my own struggle and its roots, the more I realize how many things have caused my problem: society, friends, peers, and family. However, the real problem isn’t any of those. The real problem is sin. Even though I may be more genetically likely to have an ed, it’s still a sin issue. Nothing else you can really blame it on. 

God didn’t need to create you, but He chose to create you for His own enjoyment. When you fully understand how much God loves you and how much He wants to have a relationship with you — His special, unique creation — you will never again have a problem with feeling insignificant.

You can do everything as if you were doing it for Jesus and by carrying on a continual conversation with Him while you do. If this happens, disorders of the image, of the mind and of the heart will eventually fade as our focus is taken off ourselves and placed on His face. Not only will this eliminate our poor self-esteem, but it will also help us remember the Bible’s command to supply a holy place of worship for the Spirit. 

 “You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you mmout of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God.” 

When we surrender our bodies to Christ, knowing that they are not our own, we can enter into a light of truth in which He has called us and leave the dark and desperate fights for control. In the life of a Christian, control is not even ours to fight for, because we are not our own but belong to our Creator.

All I wanted was to be a tad bit more thinner so I could run faster(which is anlie because thin doesn’t mean fast). . I “had to” be #1 so I could make everyone proud. To “have my thing.” To be someone..” .If we seek sufficiency in anyone but Him, we’ll never be content. The comparison game is one we can’t win. Those who are in Christ have no condemnation or comparison, so to measure our sufficiency in others is to measure in a way He doesn’t. let’s seek our beauty, our belonging and our futures in the arms of Christ. He hurts deeply when we settle for less, thinking we’ll find more. He’s more than enough for all of us.

“No man can serve two masters” has a new meaning for those of us who have made control of our bodies a master force in our lives. If your weight controls your thoughts, dictates your habits and consumes your time, then it’s a master. And if food is one’s master, then God is no master at all.

Is your desire or need to lose weight an expression of your living for Him or of your living for yourself? Jeremiah 31:3 reminds us that God has loved us with an everlasting love. That enables us to trust that neither the weight of our bodies nor the weight of our sins is able to keep us from His precious love and acceptance.

We have to know what we’re hungry for before we can “hunger and thirst after righteousness.” We always have the drive and the time for the things in life that are truly important to us. If righteousness is a high priority, then we need to evaluate what must happen in order to seek this. I’d dare to venture that little righteousness or Christseeking can be found in many of our diets.

I was sure that nothing could control my eating and my body, yet Scripture tells us that this is not so. “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food,” 1 Corinthians 6:13 says, “but God will destroy them both.” 

Wake up! You are not your own! You’ve been bought with a great price; therefore, glorify God with your body. He’s promised that once we let Him lead our hearts in our search for skinniness, we’ll find that He fulfills His promise to always lead us in His triumph. 

He loves you exactly as you are! And He loves you as though you were the only person on earth. He died with you on His heart. May we live with only Him on ours.

This is my last post about ED. I feel as if there isn’t really a reason to post about it anymore. I don’t really struggle at all and I feel it isn’t good to think upon it anymore. If I journal anymore, it will be more of crazy life or random thoughts I have. I pray that I have been an encouragement to someone....and I pray that you give your life(body and heart) over to him and finish the race strong. My dad always said “it’s not how you start, but how you finish.” My finish line is waiting amd it is the best prize I’ll ever receive. 

Everyone has a story

Everyone has a “story.”  Some of their stories is how they were raised in a picture perfect family(my husband) but lost their mom way too early(him as well). Some are stories are how they because successful, famous, a millionaire, or called to be a missionary. However, some are pain, sorrow, and more pain but how God gave them strength. My story is my own. Your story is your own. Oh so different butpart of Gods perfect plan. Would I change my story? Honestly I would..but that may mean I didn’t cling to Gods word when I felt I literally couldn’t eat or when my legs felt like they might fall off but had to run anyways. When I look back at my story I see Gods hand all over my life! I see protection, grace, and love. I was in some pretty bad situations growing up, but I wouldn’t change it. It made me realize my dependence on God. I remember as a 6 yr old crying so hard out my window and just praying to God to help my family.
My “story” is one who saw abuse, was abused, molested, who became an addict..a Real addict. That’s hard to write but it’s the truth. But my story doesn’t define me. If anything it shows what an awesomeGod we serve.
This past Sunday I listened to a friend in the church nursery tell me her story...I was floored! The pain  she has went through the last 2 yrs is almost unbearable. Today I talked to my friend who talked to me about how she lost her baby. A couple at church have a daughter with half a heart and the days are mostly numbered. I look on FB and I see a family who lost their son to a horrible accident. I think back to my little brothers testimony(which should be a post on its own) of how he was the best athlete in VA on his way to breaking my olders brothers records and on to VT to run...but God had other plans. Why God?
Stories...I LOVE to read. But I honestly only  like true stories. Why read fake stuff? Lol Anyways, the greatest story ever written was the Bible. It’s one Big story. A story that has pain that we can’t even fathom going though (like Job) to strength(Samson), to faith(Abraham), to heartbreak(Sarah and Hannah for a baby)....well ANYTHING that we as humans on this earth will go through. Why did God want us to know those stories? Because all of the stories will go back to one person-JESUS!
I pray with all my heart that my story will one day help someone..if not many. I want to shout to the rooftops on what God  has done in my life.
All my hope is in Jesus! Thank God my yesterday is gone. All my sims are forgiven. I’ve been washed by the blood...and one day my story will be finished and the best ending I could hope for!
Do you know Jesus? Oh what a friend we have in Him. He is the best author I’ve ever met!

Give me eyes to see Lord

I am legally blind without my glasses or contacts. I literally can see nothing without them.  Even though I can see perfect with my contacts, I feel like at times  I still can’t see clearly. All my life Ive looked  in the mirror and hated what I see. But if I look  through the eyes of God I should see a beautiful lady. Umm no. All I seen was someone with so many imperfections and well..ugly. . Never good enough. But if my girls felt that way I would cry! They are perfect in every way cause God made them the way he wanted. When we tell our girls how smart or  how pretty they are we try to tell  they respond because God made me that way.
I think my whole entire 33 yrs of life I’ve tried to find love....no matter where I looked I couldn’t find it. But, that ridiculous because my parents loved me unconditionally. Most importantly I have a Father who loves me!!Why can’t I see it? I think at times I’ve not felt like even Jesus doesn’t love me. I mean why would he? I could see why he would love someone like my husband, my Pastors wife, or a few women at our church...but me?!? Umm no. I have questioned my salvation. I questioned everything lately. Am I saved? Even though I asked Jesus into my heart at 12 yr old did I mean it? I’ve tried since that day to honor his commandments, to bear fruit, and to show others Christ. But yet, at the same time I have felt so sad and so angry still at times. Anger that is scary. Sadness that is scary. How can that be? What was wrong with me?
 After a long talk with our Pastor, he reassured me of my salvation(well..he isn’t the judge but...) but I just have a hard time defeating Satan’s lies about myself and anger(sin). Depression is real. OCD is real. I haven’t let go of the pain of my past. Even more so I haven’t seen with the eyes of Jesus.
Oh but these last few months I have been! I AM LOVED. I am HIS child. I don’t deserve it no, but He loves me!! I’ve cried so many happy tears lately just thinking about that.
I can count my blessings instead of my problems. I can smile even though I hate my smile. I can look at myself in the mirror and be ok with it. I can live what I’ve said for the last 21 yrs.  Oh to see through HIS eyes! It’s beautiful!! The best part is that one day I will see beauty that we can’t even comprehend yet. I will see the people I’ve read about in the Bible! Oh and even better....I will see the one who loves me more than I can comprehend.

Boundaries

Boundaries..:

My little girl is running her first “race” this Sat. To say I’m excited is an understatement. I’ve dreamed of running with my children. I thought I never would have that chance. She’s super excited too as she LOVES to run! In the summer she would run almost a mile everyday. I didn’t ask her too, she would ask me. She loves to run because she sees me run. Which brings me to this point....Children do what they see and know.  I began running because my dad ran and my two brothers ran. Some of my fav memories is my dad running and my bro and I riding our bikes with him. He would ALWAYS have to slow down and push me up the  hills, but never once complained. I enjoyed being outside and being active, but never set out to be a runner.  I can’t say I enjoyed it. Crazy huh? My parents NEVER pushed me to pursue running. Ever! Actually they were totally fine with me not running. I was on the basketball team, cheerleader, band, Girl Scouts, and honors classes so I had a full plate already. But my best friend decides to join the XC team our freshman yr of high school. So, of course I did too! ! All 4 yrs of High school all I heard from Coaches, friends, and my parents was how I could beat her. Umm..No way! I never believed that until college and I beat her in my last XC race which led our team to go to Nationals in CA. How I could be like my brother who was the #1 in the state? But my bro dropped out of college track cause it was too hard and I stayed. I’m not saying these things to brag, but I find it odd I was the one in the family who stuck to running but favored it the least. Why I wonder? Was I truly running for enjoyment or for others?   All I heard was I never fulfilled my potential and how upset they would be at me. Honestly I didn’t believe them but even if I did, I was ok with just running and enjoying it.

So....what happened in College? How did it go from something I wasn’t super crazy about to something that controlled my life? I can’t truly answer that. I think it was a lot of things that contributed to it...but most of all there was ZERO boundaries in anything in my life. When I entered college I didn’t have any boundaries to go by. So, I took it to the extreme. Extreme training that summer. Extreme “healthy” eating.” Extreme standards in EVERYTHING I was doing.

I’m saying all this because as I teach my little girl how to run, I plan on teaching her how to have boundaries in her life. How to balance life. Do I have it all figured out yet? Umm no! But I can say I have a balanced life now. I run long some days. I run short some days. Some days it’s tough and some days it’s an easy run. Some days I don’t even run at all and sleep!!!!! Haha Some days I eat awful and some days I eat healthy. Some days the house is a wreck and some days it’s spotless..I have boundaries that keep me from going back to my old ways. One is racing. I just can’t. I’m WAY too competitive and it just fuels them flame. I don’t buy a lot of junk so it keeps me from being tempted. Boundaries is a WHOLE anew thing for me. My family had Zero blundaries. I was able to basically do what I wanted. That’s to say I never did anything bad really but my parents trusted me WAY too much! Too much trust for a high school girl. Also, our home had ZERO boundaries as we were all able to treat each other like dirt basically. Soooooo much disrespect. So much back talk. So much anger.. I think this has been. HUGE thing for me to work on in marriage. What do you mean your parents never yelled? If mine weren’t yelling then I better be looking back for them!

My husband is doing an amazing job at teaching me boundaries in that I can be ok with certain things, certain situations, and to model how to not let the girls overstep their blundroes( they  are crazy sweet but not perfect, haha).

Running for me makes  me feel free. I feel sooo happy when I run. I feel like all my problems are gone. Running is time I  just pray to God. But...without boundaries on my running it can go right back to the horrible trail I ran on for yrs. The trail I run on now is still kinda hilly at times. It is still a tough course at times, but I have boundaries now and I know that I can either stop and run up that hill with the Lord, or run by myself with my boundaries. When my baby runs Sat...she will have boundaries. She will have a mom and dad and most of all a Heavenly Father to teach her how to run for Christ.

Sweet life..

I loved baking as a kid. There is something magical about mixing up ingredients, putting them into the oven and having the sweet smell fill up the house and finally tasting it. My mom is a VERY good cook. Her recipes have won competitons even. But, my mom never let me help much in the kitchen that I remember and when I did, she seemed to not want to give up control. My dad was too afraid of messes. But, then there was my Mamaw(my mom’s mom)My fav person ever!! She lived 1/4 mile from us. She was the heart of our family. She ALWAYS let me help. She would even say “how will you learn if you don’t try.” I learned soooo much from her. I learned how to make cornbread, soup beans, homemade biscuits, homemade apple butter, apple stack cake, sourdough bread, and even how to make my Frosted Flakes even sweeter(cause you need more sugar on them she would say). My Mamaw taught me how to sew. The quilts she made, she was offered a lot of money but she always said she wasn’t selling them but making them for family. My Mamaw taught me so much about working in the garden. We had a 2 acre garden and she taught me so much about how to be the best gardener. Even more than cooking, baking, and sewing she taught me that God comes first. She would always read her Bible before bed. Always! I never saw my parents read their Bible(doesn’t mean they didn’t cause they know the Bible well). I remember almost every single day in the summer I would run by her house and she would be outside and “cheer” for me. I have more memories with her than I do anyone. When she got Alzheimer’s, we were determined to not put her in a nursing home. So, when it go really bad she lived  with us for a while but that led to even more confusion. So...I became her “Dr.” All summer long I lived with her and took care of her. I made sure she ate, had her medicine, and of course our nightly routine of Wheel of Fortune. I could say some hilarious stories about that time but also some of the saddest time as well. My Mamaw was my favorite person in the world to me.
I never realized how much she influenced me until she was gone. That’s when the disorder got really bad. It was my freshman yr of college. My Mamaw died. How would I make it? I remember playing my trumpet at her funeral and it was so hard not to just break down. I actually did break down when it was time to leave her...I lost it. Even typing this makes me cry. I miss her every single day of my life. She was like my mom, my best best friend and more. When we were at Focus we had to mke a timeline of our “eating disorder history.” I didn’t realize until then that I lost my Mamaw, my uncle, my aunt(mamas sister and best friend) in 6 months. My great aunt and uncle lived 1/4 mile from my Mamaw. They grieved for her I believe. I did too. Then that same yr my little bro became deathly ill, I was 2.5 hrs away and in my first yr of teaching(which was stressful enough).
I feel like I couldn’t handle all that was happening. I’ve learned the past 5 yrs that even though I know scripture, I don’t LIVE it. If I lived it, then I may have not went down the road to and would know how to deal with the pain. I wasn’t starving only to be skinny. Eating disorders ARE NOT all about being thin. I was starving because I hurt. I was starving because I wanted love. I’ve learned through marriage I have NO idea what love is. None. It’s something I’ve wanted my whole life and I do believe now I got it....but didn’t receive it. I felt like love was earned. Ummm. No. Love is a free gift that is the best gift Jesus gave. He is stage definition of true love. His love has kept me “above water” these last 5 yrs. His love is truly all I’ve had in many times in my life. His love was seen In my Mamaw. Every single day she lived. I’m crying again just tying this. But I’m some ways, it’s happy tears cause I know I will see her again. Until then...my desire is to be an influence like her. I also want to perfect all the recipes I have of hers cause I truly believe her recipes are as good and sweet as a taste of Heaven itself.