Much to be thankful for!

I haven't posted in a while due to the business. I can't believe that it's almost Dec.!! I have been at the treatment center now for 6 weeks. I can't believe it's been that long. After every six weeks, you meet with the whole treatment team (15 people) . Six weeks is also when you are allowed to petition to drop a class. I know I have gained sooo much mental strength lately. I have been able to turn my negative thoughts around more and  think more rationally. I give Jesus ALL the credit for that! I think of him when I become stressed, or anxious. I also have been using some of the techniques I've learned in treatment. Anyways, so I met with my psychologist and she agreed that I was ready to drop a class. She's seen a lot of improvement too. I was so excited. Dropping the class would mean I get to spend 2 days a week at home!  I filled out all the paperwork that it required and walked into the room thinking "I'm doing great!" However, that's not at all how it went.
The treatment team threw me for a loop and told me that I needed to go inpatient!!!! What?!? I was not expecting that AT ALL!! They said I was very encouraging, participate, and do everything that is expected, but that I wasn't do well at all eating. Crushed is an understatement! I cried. They wanted me to sign a paper that said that I would only run 3 miles a day! 3 miles?!? Who runs 3 miles and is good? They think my running is too big of a crutch for me and is hurting my disorder. I can see their point, but none of them are runners. I know what it takes to be good. I like being fast and competitive. It's the talent The Lord gave me and I love using it. So, the agreement was that I would begin eating lots more. My nutritionist said I was negative everyday. I didn't agree...
After that meeting, I was soo down. I cried and cried. How much do they expect me to eat?!? My nutritionist gave me a meal plan to follow(it is made specifically for me), but it just seems like too much food!
That night I was looking for an app that helps with nutrition. I found myfitnesspal. So, I put the food in I ate that  day and what I ran and it was then I realized how sick I was....I was way negative!! I haven't been getting any calories in probably over 5-7 yrs! My nutritionist said that I am not losing weight cause my body has adapted and it clings to every calorie. My metabolism is probably as slow as a snail!!
So, I decided the next morning to "jump right in." I gave the day to The Lord and asked him to give me strength. I ate 3 meals and ice cream!! I've  done it for a week!! My husband took away my scales(which almost made me have a panic attack), but by the end of the week, I was ok. I am eating healthy and I feel good..and it pleases God that I am taking care of my body.
The next Monday I met with my dietician again....it was weigh in day. Nervous was an understatement. She weighed me backwards...and amazingly I haven't changed at all. It is proven that your body can starve and be the same weight as when you feed it. I feel full and my stomach even hurts sometimes cause it's not use to so much food, but I know it will go away. My nutritionist is slowing going to increase my food intake weekly. I know she knows what she is doing and I trust her. I've really enjoyed eating. I don't have any guilt or feel bad. I look forward to meals. I have a long way to go mentally and eating wise, but I am getting there with the help of my treatment center, my little brother, my husband, and mostly Gods strength!
Through this process I have leaned how I use food as a coping mechanism. If something goes wrong..it makes me want to binge/purge(which I haven't done in 7 weeks!). If I feel down or angry  I want to restrict. I've seen it happen way too many times. It's in those times, I have to look to god to make the rift decision for my body. I will overcome this...cause with HIM ALL things are possible!

Lord, make me broken so I can be healed. I am so calloused I cannot feel.
I want to run to you with a heart wide open.
Make me empty so I can be filled.
Cause I am still holding onto my will.
Make me lonely so I can be yours.
So I want no one more than you  Lord.
Cause in the darkness, I know you will hold me.

 Thanksgiving is almost here and  it has always been one of the hardest holidays for me. I love, love, love my family...but I am terrified of the food! However, this yr I am not as scared. I am going to eat what I want,  and enjoy the fellowship with the ones I love. My mom works sooo hard preparing the meal. I love being in the kitchen with her and helping.  It is memories that I will never forget. My mom is the best cook here on  this Earth. For the first Thanksgiving in a long time, I have decided to enjoy every bite and try not to "count calories." It's one day out of the year when I can enjoy my moms cooking. Sooo many people would love to have the food that are truly hungry and I am going to be grateful we have way too much  food to eat. I don't want to regret not eating it...God gave us food to nourish our bodies...and I will do just that!

In everything give thanks...this is the will of God! :)

Healing takes time

Well, I have been so busy lately with work, treatment, and daily life I haven't had time to journal like I wish I could. I've been going to treatment for 3 weeks now. I actually like going now. On Mondays, I attend food and feelings class. We talk a lot about nutrition, our fears of certain foods, how to give our bodies the right nutrients and more. I really love the nutritionist. She is an athlete herself and helps with UT athletes! Every other Monday we have a meal together. Each girl/lady brings one item from each food group. Last time I brought homemade apple cider cupcakes. Of course I wouldn't eat them myself...but a few of the ladies did. It caused a lot of stress for some. We don't have to eat the food like you would at inpatient. After we eat, we discuss our thoughts about how we felt during the meal and after. We are really working on our hunger cues. The meals are fun...but they stress me out cause it's soo much food and I am not in control really of what we are having. We have to get weighed every 2 weeks. We have a one hr session with the nutritionist as well. We go over our food journals(I have to write down everything I eat everyday and my hunger scale and feelings each meal).   My goal this past time was to eat breakfast twice in two weeks...I failed. :(

Tuesday class is Life skills. The topics vary each week and can even entail art projects or other therapy type skills. We use to have class on Wed, but it now is on Thursday(which I'm glad so I can go to church). Thursday is called Focus and we meet as a group with the therapist. Also, each week you have to meet with an outside therapist. I really enjoy mine. She is super nice (and loves Jesus)and I love her "Dr. Ordered prescriptions....I have to eat a milkshake every night! Haha

Once a month we have family night. I haven't told my family I'm seeking help due to the shame and the worry I already caused them yrs ago when I was dying from anorexia. I am "healthy...aka gained weight, so they think I'm fine). So family night for me is my husband. He is my biggest fan and cheerleader. I honestly thought when I told him I need help, he would fix me! He can't fix me, but he sure does help me!! He makes me feel like the princess God sees me as. He brings me back down to Earth when I am thinking irrational. He never has one time made me feel guilty from my sickness. He never one time has fussed at me from not eating enough and running so much. Nope..he gives me love, quotes scripture and hugs me for me.  At times I feel overwhelmed with the love he gives me. It is hard to receive it. He loves me soo much that I don't know what to do with it. I am beyond thankful I waited for him. He is my rock and my prince I prayed for. My "little brother" also knows and he is the one  who has always been there before I met my husband. He is my best friend and although he doesn't sugarcoat things to me..his tough love and encouragement makes me smile and push myself father than I think I can. I've seen him almost die from an unexplained illness...he fought and fought and now I must do the same. My brother is someone I look to in soo many ways. He may be "the baby" in out family...but he has actually been the  stronghold of keeping out family together and showing us and so many others how to live for Christ.

Mentally, I have been doing well I think. I know I am not eating very well(not lost any weight though), but I have been using some of the techniques they teach to handle my anxiety and stress. When I am anxious and stressed it triggers me to want to binge and purge. But I am proud to say I haven't! Also, I have really been trying to focus on The one who matters most-Jesus!! My awesome husband tells me everyday to focus on "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Phil 4:8. I have always seemed to focus on the negative. I feel so down so many days cause I didn't do something right, or I let someone down, or I treated my body wrong....and so on. However, bringing myself down and thinking those thoughts doesn't help my recovery. 

This past Sunday was communion. It was the first one I got to do with my husband so it was sweet. As I took of the bread and held it in my hand, I though of how Jesus took the cross, my sins...for me!!! And he took it for you! He loves me for me. Nothing I do in this life will make him love me more. I can win all the races I sign up for, make perfect scores on my teacher evaluation, and have the cleanest house and be the best wife I know how to be. However, his live still remains the same. He loves me for who I am now!! In therapy last week, they said "we accept the love we think we deserve." That really hit me hard. All my life I've felt like I had to earn love. My parents never expected me to be perfect, but I thought I could make them more proud by being The homecoming queen, winning races, being "pretty and nice all the time"...but it's not true.  My dad loves when I win races and he may be proud of me, but he still loves me if I never run another day in my life. I am my parents child...and their love for me is constant. Jesus' love is the same!!! He looks down on me and sees his child...who he died for. I want to live him back and right now I know I'm not giving him my all. I still live in fear of social situations at church, eating cause I may "get fat.", or even hanging out with other Christian friends cause of the whole food issue.

Lord,  I look up and I realize how far I am from where you are. You gave me life worth dying for. But between the altar and the door, I bought the lies that promised more...here I go again.
Lord, I know I let you down. But somehow I will make you proud. I will turn this sinking ship back around to you.
All my good deeds and my good name are just filthy rags that tear and strain to cover my sins that you already washed away.
You're all I ever wanted. You're all I ever needed. And all you ever wanted...was my heart.

I don't know why my disorder started..I don't know why I can't "let it go", and I don't know why God has keep me able to function and live and run like I do for the 10yrs I've had it...however, I am grateful. I am grateful for the treatment I am getting. It may be at as nails pace recovery, but like I said before....Jesus doesn't care how fast or slow I run. He just wants me running to him. I will finish the race and see him and say Thank you father!

Psalm 105:4 seek The Lord and his strength, and his fave forever more.

The beginning

Today was the first day of treatment. I was unreal nervous all day long. However, I was excited a little because I know I one day closer to being happy and healthy. My husband picked me at 3:00 and we drove to the treatment center. My heart was racing the whole way! It was like I really was running a race. I do believe this race will be harder than any I've ever ran...even tougher than the marathons  I've ran. When we got to the building to walk in...I started getting teary eyed due to fear. What will they think of me? What will they make me do?....I even stood at the door and told my husband I wasn't going in. I wouldn't have if I didn't have him with me!!! The people there were very welcoming. We got a tour and had a sign a TON of paperwork. I started getting overwhelmed. Then, when I signed the paper about the date I will exit...I cried. I had thought this whole time I would be done by Dec. But, I won't be done until mid Feb! I left sad cause I just don't know if I can do this..but I have an awesome husband and an amazing Father who will carry me when I can't go. God knew exactly the kind of husband I would need...I couldn't ask for more!!
 My little brother is always trying to encourage me. At the lowest point of my day, he sent me a picture of a lady with jogging stroller  with her baby about to go for a run. I want that!!!  It's awful that as much as I want kids that I continue to do harm to my body.  I know my body is a temple and  The Lord has given me the ability to  run like I do.  I want to be able to run years and years from now. I'd love to be able to run with my grandchildren one day. But, I may not even be able to have children do to my sickness. And all I have to do is eat healthy, and not binge and purge! Sounds easy, but not for me.
 As my psychologist appointment, she was asking about my family. I was telling her about my little brother and how I've seen God work a miracle in his life.  About 5 try's ago he got really sick. No Dr could figure out what was wrong. We were told he had cancer, multiple times. He was told he had  celiac disease, a tumor...and so many other things. However, no DR. Could figure out what it really was. We went all other country trying to seek the best help for him...but the Dr's told my mom we are sorry, we don't know. However, God did!!! Through the power of prayer and the healing hand of God, he was healed. He is now serving God at Virginia Tech  and going to be a physical therapist. He wants to give  others hope. I know he has given me so much encouragement over my life. I also know that the same God that healed my brother, can heal me!!
         You O' lord are the  one who conquers giants. You shut the mouth of lions.. You call the dead to breathe. You are the one who walks on fire. You take the orphans hands.  So....I know Lord I can do this with you. Help me Lord see my worth in you. I am your child. Thank you...thank you. Thank you.

Fear vs Faith

I've had a great couple of days lately. God is so good to me. Sunday I got to go to church not only with my husband, but with my bro, sister-in-law, and my two precious nieces. I love when we can all be together learning more about Jesus, study his word, and sing praises to him. Sundays are probably my favorite day of the week. Almost every Sunday I go run and while I run I just pray to God. I give him my thoughts, my feelings, and my prayers. I love just seeing his creation with every step. I come back and get ready listening to my husband sing praises while we get ready. I make him breakfast only on Sundays. I enjoy it. I love,love,love to cook and bake and I pray one day that I will be able to sit and eat breakfast with him. It sounds so easy...eat breakfast?! Yes, I can't do it...yet. I go to a church that feeds my soul. My Sunday school teacher is so awesome! I could sit and listen to him all day long. I had the privilege to be able to teach his now 10yr old in first grade. It was her who invited me to church there. I was looking for the right church for me. We'll, I found it! I've been going to Faith for 7 years now. I have grown so much there. The Pastor is the best Pastor I've ever met!! I got married at Faith and I pray that I am able to maybe one day start a Christian pre-K program there. Gods been speaking to me about that and I'm so excited! But...may he just continue to show me his will. This Sunday, the sermon was on worrying. I think it was wrote for me!!! All my life I have worried very day. I've literally worried myself sick a couple times. Has worrying done any good? No! Has worrying helped? No! Has it done anything but give the Devil a smile? No! God tells us not to do it. He tells us not to worry about ANYTHING!!! I can't really remember a day ever in my life that I haven't worried. The Pastor really hit me hard when he said my worrying is a sin. I mean, if God tells us not to worry and we do, then it's sin. So, this week my focus has been to not worry. It's a hr by hr struggle for me. I've been so worried lately about treatment. What's is going to be like? How will I get enough rest(it's till 8:30, 4days a week and an hr from home). How will I get my lesson plans done and the housework done while I go? Will it last 3 months(the minimum treatment)or will they say I need more? How will we afford it? Do I really even deserve treatment or need it? ...and so much more worries! But, all those worries has done nothing except give me bad stomach aches, horrible headaches, loss of sleep(I sleep about 4.5hrs a day)...and many more worries. But what I need to so is live for today..not tomorrow! I serve and love a God who can take all those worries and say "leave it to me!" We can trust our God. He knows what he's doing. Though it may hurt now...he will hold us up and never leave us. Always! God has never,never failed me. He's never not met any need I had. I worried in school-will my family spilt?-No...God took care of it! I worried about getting in college-God tool care of it and allowed me to go to a Christian school and run for him. I worried about getting a job-God took care of it and let me teach at the exact school I asked him to. I worried (made myself sick I worried so much)about my brother who Doctors said we don't know what's wrong and that there is not hope-God healed him!!! I worried I would never get married-I've had 3months happily married to a man that I asked God for...I could go on and on. God never fails! So, all my worries about the unknown and the future is in the best hands of all! Let your fear drop to the ground...get on your knees and take the first step of the unknown, he won't let me down. It's time to live a life of Faith over Fear! Thank you Father...

I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say. I'm not sure how to fix it the things I'm dealing with. I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight. But I just don't know how to let it all pour out. Though I am silent, my heart is crying because I was made to come to YOU. God I need you more than words can say, right here in this moment. You know my heart, you know my need. You know every part of me. Even if it's just to speak your name I'm going to pray. Hallelujah he lives in me! You ARE "I AM". Maybe the point is to break the point of giving up....cause when I hit rock bottom, it's when I start to look up. I'm not strong enough...but HE is strong enough for both of us. I can do all things....through Christ who gives me strength.

I am blessed with the privilege to teach fourteen 4-5 years old. I am the first teacher some of them have. For many it's the first time they have been away from home. I never know what the days going to bring. This year, I have the best group I have ever taught. They are just so sweet! I pray everyday for their little hearts. I know that many may come from broken homes, some never get attention, and some think the world revolves around them. I have to take each child and love him/her for who they are. They are products of their home life. They come in with all different levels academically as well. Some are reading and some don't even know the letter A. So, needless to say my job can be very exciting and stressful at well. But..teaching teaches me more about Jesus. I didn't get saved till 8th grade...late compared to all my friends. Just like some of my Kindergarten kiddos aren't ready to read, I wasn't ready to be saved. Gods got a plan for all of us...His timing is perfect. When I look at my kiddos, I see how unique God made them. Just because some of them may not be Kindergarten ready, it doesn't mean they wont leave ready for first grade. The same applies in our lives. Gods plan may not be how we envisioned....but, it is perfect. I don't understand why I still struggle with this disease. I don't understand why something so unimportant weight can keep me chained up. The Devil knows my struggles and he wants to bring me down as low and as long as he can. But...I have to keep getting up. I cant stay down! If I give up, he wins...and I am Gods team and He always wins! I teach my kindergarten kids that they can become anything they want. I teach them not to give up. Writing their name is soo hard to learn for some. For others it may be subtraction. But, Phil 4:13 says we can ALL things through Christ....so I no doubt I will one day conquer this!! Lord, I love the way you hold me. In your arms I will always be. I'm so grateful and thankful for all you've done for me. So many days I think I cant do this on my own. I'm done fighting. I'm finally letting go. I will trust in you. I lift my hands to you. I lift my eyes to you...cause you are all I need. Whatever your will Lord...use me.

Grace....1 Cor. 15:10 says "But by grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect. 2 Cor. 9-10, say "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. These verses really speak to my heart. They show me that when I am weak..HE is strong. Where my weaknesses are God shines through. When I fail, I still have every reason to praise Him. His grace lifts me up so that others can see HIM at work. I can be joyful, even when the going gets tough, because HIS power can be made known even more. This past July, I married the man of my dreams. I am very blessed. I have a husband who loves me way more than I could ever ask for. He is my rock. He is truly the one God had for me.He loves the Lord with all his heart. I waited a long time for him. Being 29 and never married was hard and lonely many days, but I am so glad I waited. I cherish reading Gods word everyday with him. I love praying with him. We make a conscience effort to keep God first in our marriage because we know it will crumble if we don't. I also love his family. His father is a Pastor and I look to him for guidance. I am very blessed to be added to his family. Being a newlywed is awesome, but it also brought alot of stress as well. I was terrified I was to our honeymoon...because I would have to eat! Sad huh? I had not ate 3 meals in over 4 or 5 years. I prayed to God daily leading up to our wedding that he would help be carefree and not worry about calories, but to just enjoy a once in a lifetime experience. For one week of my life , I didn't run a mile and I ate everything and anything I wanted. There were 0 negative thoughts. It was the only time in my life that I felt free! However, now my thoughts are full blown...every single minute of my day. Ive tried for the last 10yrs to fight this battle on my own. Ive tried to give it to God. I have ed and failed each time. I have soooo many "rules" about food. I still struggle with anorexic thoughts, and still don't eat enough. I have binges and binges more now than ever. I am an anorexic mind set lady in a bulemic body and need help. I had my breaking point when I thought I was going to die a couple weeks ago. I ate half a pizza, a large order of cheesesticks, and half a cake! Then...threw it up. I thought my heart was going to stop. I keep going though because I had to get every morsel of food out.Pizza is "bad food." The sad thing is even though I thought I was going to die that day...Ive binged sooo many more times. I don't want this disease to kill me. My God is greater than anything and I know I can conquer it! I'm tired of living a lie. I'm ready to be free! I went to my husband for help and he is 100% supportive. We have prayed which route to take. I will be getting help soon.Then other days I just don't eat hardly at all. Its a never ending cycle. I will be going to an outpatient program that is one of the best in my state. I had to complete a 2hr interview to get into treatment and go to the Dr to complete many tests and bloodwork. I remember answering the questions from the interview and they were deep..it was hard. The Dr visit wasn't any easier because I hated the fact that I had even tried to "trick her". She was so supportive(a Christian)and of course has known for years. She told me the sweetest and most encouraging thing when I left. She said, "you know who lives inside of you...you can do this! She is so right. I cant do it(or anything on my own)...but I have a father, a King, a Savior who will help get through this. :) I know I can finish this race strong, so that when I see Jesus, He will be proud that I, his servant, worked for his glory. God's grace gives us so much to live for and hope and joy for every moment. It is time for me to quit focusing on myself so much and start winning souls for HIM....that is much more filling than a bowl of ice cream.