He gives and takes away...

Testimony. Doesn’t the word testimony conjure images of triumph, strength, and victory? The glow of a sweaty athlete breaking tape on a big stage, hands exploding upwards in celebration, overcoming great feats with glorious strength from God? Surely such a theatrically triumphant story is what a testimony entails!

But what about the more “ordinary” sheep in the Shepherd’s flock? Can an average businessman burn as brightly for God as the Olympic champion? Undoubtably. Remember that even those terminally ill hold the promise of trampling death.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33 NIV

So then, for a wandering sheep, it’d be easy to feel crushed when dreams and goals are shattered. One may even grow quite angry. But the sheep that is shepherded by the Lord? Well, just look at what David had to say in Psalm 23

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.“

   Say it with me:

1. I lack nothing.
2. He leads me.
3. He guides me along right paths.
4. I will not fear. He is with me. His rod and staff comfort me.
5. He prepares a table for me in the presence of my enemies. My cup overflows.
6. His goodness and love follow me allthe days of my life. I dwell in His house for eternity.

Because we lack nothing, we can still be at peace when things are taken away. Because we lack nothing, when something is taken away, we really are not deprived of anything. In fact, when God ends a certain season of life, no matter how short wemay think it was, it is for ourgood! It may not feel good right now. Often it will sting and weigh heavily on our hearts, perhaps even for a while. Yet it’s in those times we must take this gift of grief and let it grow our roots down deep.

♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪

Now, I have a good idea as to the word that is looming in your mind.

Why?

I am extensively acquainted with this word. You are too? Aren’t we all? We all desperately wish to know the mysterious higher thoughts of God. And the truth is, we can’t. But, like me, I’m sure you already knew that. So we say it’s unfortunate. Some call it unfair. Then there are those so bruised by a broken heart that say it’s unloving. But God knows what’s best for the sheep of his pasture. He knows that we are not equipped to know all that he knows, for such knowledge is far too overwhelming for we simple sheep.

Will we ever know the answers to our undying and ever multiplying why’s? For some of them, no, we won’t know until we are scooped up from this earth and carried home. But for some others, it may just be that now is not the best time to know those answers.

Heart on fire

Since my husband and I have been married Friday night was movie and milkshake night. However, he is working nights now so I haven’t watched a movie or had a milkshake since Dec! What?!? How am I surviving? Haha Well, I decided that last night after church we would watch a movie and milkshakes are a must. I love true movies. Movies about heroes. I decided on Only the Brave. It’s about firemen who risk their life to save others. It was soooo good! We have a clearplay player though with that said. I wouldn’t watch watch it without it because it had cussing in it(can’t stand cussing!) but with the clearplay it is like it’s not even said. So cool! Anyways, I was blown away at what these men do! They are fighting forest fires! I asked David who would want to do that!! I mean I can understand military people risking their life but for a man to go INTO fire?!? I mean what could be worse! I say that because I literally broke down several time due to the realness of it! One young man who was not living right decided to step up after he found out he was a Daddy. He wanted to be a good dad since he never had a dad. It made me think of my dad who wasnt close to perfect but he stepped up without really having a daddy and did the best he could. I think of my dad as hero in some ways. Of course I cried almost every time they showed the baby..haha  I have baby fever BAD! Another part made me bawl cause the chief and his wife had a huge argument due to her wanting a child and the husband denying her. It broke my heart! I understand how it feels to ache for a baby. Thankfully my husband is not like him and he will have as many as God allows as long  as our marriage it where it should be. Our little 3 yr has been asking for another baby and praying about it! Makes me melt when I hear her pray.  The part that got me the most and the whole purpose of this post is that death happens...ETERNAL FIRE! It made me think of soooo many that will have to spend all eternity in fire! I lost it! I’m crying now even. Crying cause I am thankful I won’t be, but that some of my family will. My friends, and even our neighbors. Oh how I am burdened for the lost lately! Eternity is real! It’s like everywhere I go I think are they saved? I want to tell the whole world! I want God to use my husband! May the world see Christ in us!! It’s all I want! What is more important? Everything and I mean EVERYTHING this world has to offer will be gone when we see Jesus! All that matters is your walk with the Lord...May we wake up each day with that realization.
Set our hearts on Fire Lord for you and for this lost world!

What are you hungry for?

What are you hungry for? For me it’s been Chick fil a 24/7. I mean really who doesn’t want Chick fil a all day everyday? Haha So, I took my girls and I to satisfy my craving and they had no complaints. We have soooo many different ways that people eat. Some do low carb(or now know as Keto), some do low fat, gluten free, some do no sugar, and some don’t do any. I can say that for me,  my “diet” is made up of whatever I want. It’s not always been that way as I’ve tried low fat for a while, vegetarian for yrs, and even tried to do the whole Keto thing but well...I love carbs and sweets too much! Haha
Whatever you are eating do you realize that it won’t satisfy you like the word of God will. We actually NEED the word of God like we do food!! don’t like to frown on any type of “diet” unless it’s an unhealthy way to live, but do you realize that eating whatever you are eating isn’t going to make you live for yrs longer(although it’s good to be healthy). God gave us food to enjoy!! Same thing with exercise. It profits little...but the word of God profits for ALL eternity! We need to CRAVE Gods word like we do our favorite foods! If we make time to eat we must make time to feed on his word. For me, yrs and yrs were spent on “food” and only a little time in his word. I was starving my soul and just allowing  Satan to win due to not dwelling on Gods word daily. You aren’t going to be able to win the spiritual battles if you are starving yourself.
Paul says Let the word of God dwell in you richly.  The Bible is actually like meat, bread and water.
Soooo many things can be the reason we don’t spend time in his word..
-distractions, replacements which can be ANYTHING you put in place of reading, and even a hardened heart.
Oh I am guilty of this many times but lately I crave his word. Oh rich it is and how it helps me through the day. A day with his word is Always better than days without. The Bible isn’t just a book but it’s a love story. The greatest love story ever written. What  girl doesn’t like a Love story? So, get a bowl of ice cream and a place where there are no distractions and enjoy sweetness in a bowl but even more sweet is his word.
* After reading this post to my husband, he laughed! He doesn’t get Chick fil a and why a girl would want to eat a bowl of ice cream....so, if that’s not your thing that’s fine. Gods word alone is all we need....but I think all girls need Chick fil a and Ice cream! 😂😂😂

HE is Able!!

He is able...
-to give you grace to forgive those who abused you, molested you, took advantage of you, lied to you, cheats on you, hurt you, to answer your prayers, to heal when Dr say they cant, to give you children when Dr., say its impossible, take away guilt, shame, anger, and replace it with love, joy, and peace. He can give you strength when you think you can’t go on. Give you eyes to see when you can’t, give you wisdom, Lead you, and provide abundantly when  you think how will I make it. He will give you the words to say, he can speak to your heart, he can convict your heart..He will stand with you when nobody else will. He will never leave you. He is able to be a friend that is better than any friend you can have. He takes away fear.

No matter what you went though, or are going through or will go through HE will walk with you every step. He will carry you if needed. HE will give you hope! He will give you Joy! HE will give you Peace!

To save myself from having to write a 16million page paper...all you need to know is Jesus!
He is the reason for this upcoming Easter! He Defeated death and rose again! Easter is probably my Fav holiday ever. Soooooo many memories growing up on Easter. My mom made my brothers and I am Easter basket full of so much candy it would take a yr to eat! Well..not a yr but a long time! She’d always get us something new to wear as well. We had so many egg hunts from the grandparesmts house, church and our own at home. My dad was the best egg hider. I loved  dying the eggs.
I look forward so much to making my girls Easter baskets this yr...but when they look back at Easter I want them to know why we celebrate it. JESUS rose from the grave so he can do exactly what the first of this post stated.  I do love Easter candy as it’s my fav holiday candy. The Cadbury eggs, Starburst jelly beans, the Resse pieces, and sweet tarts shaped like bunnies. However, Jesus love is sweeter than all the Easter candy combined.

I am redeemed because of Jesus!
I am Free!
I am not who I use to be....all because of what Jesus did in that cross for me and everyone in the world, and rose again for us all!

Run to Jesus!

You run? Umm yeah, I use to is my answer. Now it’s more for just enjoyment. Enjoyment? You call running enjoyment?.....I’ve had this conversation soooo many times over the yrs. Why do I run though? Why run vs all the other sports? Well...here is 13 reasons why since 13(the half marathon) is my favorite distance even though I never have time to run that far anymore) . 

1. Running keeps me healthy(even though my current state is in bed with the stomach bug). I love health and nutrition and I want to take care of my body so I’m able to keep up with my kids. I’m not the “Young mom” so running can keep me able to chase them. 
2. “me time.” I’m just out there enjoying Gods creation and praying and talking to him. Well, endless I have to run on the dreadmill(yes..a DREADmill lol) Then it’s more like Lord help me get though this run! Not a fan of them.  
3. It helps with my thoughts. I come back from a run in a better mood. 
4. I love the challenge. The uphills, the hard workouts, the 800 repeats around the track, the races, and even the pain at time as I know I tried my best. 
5. I love all the different places running can take you. I’ve ran in so many states over the yrs. I’ve got to see some of the coolest places that I wouldn’t get to unless I ran. 
6. The memories. Memories from running with my dad that I will cherish my whole life. Memories at the starting line at the track watching my older brother run and people say “that’s your bro(umm yes, but don’t except me to be like him!! Lol) Memories with my little brother running all over the county in AAU track meets. And now, running with my little girls. We smile each step. If only I could get my husband to run with me. Maybe this list will convince him! 😂
7. I love to eat things that may not be the best if I didn’t run(with that said there are NO “bad foods”). Bring on the spaghetti, bread and ice cream! 
8. I love looking back and seeing past accomplishments..oh how I wish I could run like that now! 
9. Its the only sport that you can do anywhere! 
10. It’s cheap! 
11. God blessed me with talent. 
12. Well, because I can! God gave me legs. May we never take for granted afar our bodies can do. My dad can’t run anymore(two hip replacements). I want to run until God calls me home and I’ll run into his arms. 
13. lastly, I run because I am in training for the biggest race any of us will run. Running the race for Christ! I will NOT lose with him as my coach. The training is tough, or even so hard at times I feel like I can’t continue on. But God gives us strength. This world is NOT our home!! Until I make it to the finish line I want to finish strong. 

Mine! All mine!

It’s that time of yr for Duck Duck Goose. It’s a huge consignment sale that you can buy anything from baby stuff, to, maternity, and up to the teen yrs. For the last two yrs I’ve sold quite a bit of stuff there. It’s a ton of work though, but worth it! This Spring I have over $1,500 worth of items to sell. It’s crazy! How did we accumulate this much stuff?!? Oh wait...we live in America and we “have” to have that much stuff. As I go through the items  my little girls play with the toys or look at the clothes and make more messes for me to clean up. However, hardly ever does my 3 yr old say mommy don’t sell that. She knows I’m selling everything I price, but she NEVER complains. Maybe it’s because she knows with that money I will use it to buy her more things or maybe she doesn’t really care...but my point is most 3 yr old  would be begging to keep EVERYTHING! That made me think, what could I live without? Hmm. I have to say I would have a VERY hard time living without my Bible, peanut butter, bread, ice cream, a vehicle or else I’d go stir crazy, my phone, or my voice as I talk non stop at home to my girls and my husband, haha. I can’t imagine giving up running, music, or a hot shower either. I have to say that when I was in Zimbabwe  I was without every single one of those things and by the end of week I was ready to go home. It showed me how “glued” I am to so many things. When I got back after that month, the first thing I did was take a super long shower, went for a run, check fb, ate ice cream that night and watched tv. How fast we go back to our old ways!!
These last 5 yrs of my life I feel like I’ve had to give up a lot. It may have been for a better reason, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I gave up my dream job to stay home with my girls. I gave up my dream house beside my friends and 1/2 mile from the school I worked at for a fixer upper house so I could stay home with my girls. I gave up new XTERRA for a older van so my nieces could all ride with us and hopefully take them to church. I gave cable so we could save money. I have up spending whatever I wanted to having a budget so we could be be debt free.  I gave up running hard core in place of more time for my girls. I gave up my body to be healthy and be what the Lord wants. I gave up contemporary Christian music to honor my husbands convictions. The list could go on and on, but here is the point. What are you giving up and why? The only things that Truly matter in this life is how we live for Christ? So, what are you “glued” to? I have to admit I am glued to my phone too much. Pinterest is a crafty, teacher, and moms time zapper! Lol
How much am I running compared to how much time I’m in Gods word? How much time and I cleaning vs time I spend with my girls? What is our money spent on?
I want my girls to have everything my husband and I can give them. He knows that as I tell him quite often. But not so much toys, cable, or the coolest new thing. None of that is wrong. Really. It’s just that we both feel we’d rether spend our money on a Christian education(which will take 3 jobs!!!), and on mission trips, and on music lesson. Shew..my husband has his work cut out for him cause I told him I am fine never going back to work cause I am “honoring God and staying home with our little blessings!!” Hahahahaa Anyways. I want a simple life. A life where our kids don’t even know what the latest new toy is, the Hollywood stars, or what fashion really is. We only need ONE thing in this world and that’s Jesus. Lord help me to remember that from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. You are enough. More than enough.

Blessings straight from Heaven...

Come to the alter, the Fathers arms are open wide.
Come today. No reason to wait.
Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy.
Forgiveness was bought with Jesus Christ!

Lord, help me be your hands and feet. Help me to show you wherever I go. In our home, at church, at the playground to our neighbors that don’t know you. To my friend on fb. To my family and to strangers. Use my husband and I Lord for you glory! We trust you Lord.

Tell the world of the treasure you found.

Each step I take, lead the way Lord.
I feel you beside of me Lord.

Today I got to see new life. A miracle. A gift. A perfect little 8.9 pd four day old baby! One of my friends had a baby girl and gave us all a scare as we thought we might lose her. Thankfully she’s ok. Holding the baby made me miss my babies being so little. It didn’t help with baby fever ever! Haha
Oh how it made me realize how fast times flies by. I only have a short amount of time to pour into our children. Lord, help me. These are YOUR girls. I try to soak up every min I can but it’s never enough. They are growing too fast.
As I held new life, I have family who is clinging to life..Lord, you give and take away. Help us love each day as a gift. Help us to find joy in even the toughest days. My heart is sooo burdened for the lost in my family. Help them see the REAL JOY Jesus. REAL HOPE.
Lord we pray for little G..May she grow to love you. ❤️

It is finished..

“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple” (1 Corinthians 3:16- 17).

I wish I had thought of this passage as I refused to eat or ate to much and got rid of it.. I didn’t, of course. I was much too busy destroying myself to think of Christ’s love letter to me. I’ll never do it again I’d tell myself. 

None of us deserve God’s grace and redemption. I’ll never cease to be amazed at how He has redeemed me! I’m redeemed today, because the only pain I couldn’t bear was the pain I knew stabbed His heart as He watched me hurt my body. I was hurting myself and didn’t care as long as I could be thin. I was revolting because of what I was putting my body through. But God saw past all that, and He has redeemed me!

“Eating disorders.” I hate the phrase. It’s scientific and functional and broad. The struggle of mind, soul and body that the phrase refers to is none of these things. I think of eating disorders as image disorders, or as heart disorders, because eating disorders are a misorder of values, visions and sufficiency.

By understanding where the core of the problem lies and checking what the Bible has to say about our bodies, we can grasp hope and faith. 

For the past few yrs, I have sought to discover  the many mysteries involved in my food disorders and discovered a multitude of questions. The more I make myself look at my own struggle and its roots, the more I realize how many things have caused my problem: society, friends, peers, and family. However, the real problem isn’t any of those. The real problem is sin. Even though I may be more genetically likely to have an ed, it’s still a sin issue. Nothing else you can really blame it on. 

God didn’t need to create you, but He chose to create you for His own enjoyment. When you fully understand how much God loves you and how much He wants to have a relationship with you — His special, unique creation — you will never again have a problem with feeling insignificant.

You can do everything as if you were doing it for Jesus and by carrying on a continual conversation with Him while you do. If this happens, disorders of the image, of the mind and of the heart will eventually fade as our focus is taken off ourselves and placed on His face. Not only will this eliminate our poor self-esteem, but it will also help us remember the Bible’s command to supply a holy place of worship for the Spirit. 

 “You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you mmout of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God.” 

When we surrender our bodies to Christ, knowing that they are not our own, we can enter into a light of truth in which He has called us and leave the dark and desperate fights for control. In the life of a Christian, control is not even ours to fight for, because we are not our own but belong to our Creator.

All I wanted was to be a tad bit more thinner so I could run faster(which is anlie because thin doesn’t mean fast). . I “had to” be #1 so I could make everyone proud. To “have my thing.” To be someone..” .If we seek sufficiency in anyone but Him, we’ll never be content. The comparison game is one we can’t win. Those who are in Christ have no condemnation or comparison, so to measure our sufficiency in others is to measure in a way He doesn’t. let’s seek our beauty, our belonging and our futures in the arms of Christ. He hurts deeply when we settle for less, thinking we’ll find more. He’s more than enough for all of us.

“No man can serve two masters” has a new meaning for those of us who have made control of our bodies a master force in our lives. If your weight controls your thoughts, dictates your habits and consumes your time, then it’s a master. And if food is one’s master, then God is no master at all.

Is your desire or need to lose weight an expression of your living for Him or of your living for yourself? Jeremiah 31:3 reminds us that God has loved us with an everlasting love. That enables us to trust that neither the weight of our bodies nor the weight of our sins is able to keep us from His precious love and acceptance.

We have to know what we’re hungry for before we can “hunger and thirst after righteousness.” We always have the drive and the time for the things in life that are truly important to us. If righteousness is a high priority, then we need to evaluate what must happen in order to seek this. I’d dare to venture that little righteousness or Christseeking can be found in many of our diets.

I was sure that nothing could control my eating and my body, yet Scripture tells us that this is not so. “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food,” 1 Corinthians 6:13 says, “but God will destroy them both.” 

Wake up! You are not your own! You’ve been bought with a great price; therefore, glorify God with your body. He’s promised that once we let Him lead our hearts in our search for skinniness, we’ll find that He fulfills His promise to always lead us in His triumph. 

He loves you exactly as you are! And He loves you as though you were the only person on earth. He died with you on His heart. May we live with only Him on ours.

This is my last post about ED. I feel as if there isn’t really a reason to post about it anymore. I don’t really struggle at all and I feel it isn’t good to think upon it anymore. If I journal anymore, it will be more of crazy life or random thoughts I have. I pray that I have been an encouragement to someone....and I pray that you give your life(body and heart) over to him and finish the race strong. My dad always said “it’s not how you start, but how you finish.” My finish line is waiting amd it is the best prize I’ll ever receive. 

Everyone has a story

Everyone has a “story.”  Some of their stories is how they were raised in a picture perfect family(my husband) but lost their mom way too early(him as well). Some are stories are how they because successful, famous, a millionaire, or called to be a missionary. However, some are pain, sorrow, and more pain but how God gave them strength. My story is my own. Your story is your own. Oh so different butpart of Gods perfect plan. Would I change my story? Honestly I would..but that may mean I didn’t cling to Gods word when I felt I literally couldn’t eat or when my legs felt like they might fall off but had to run anyways. When I look back at my story I see Gods hand all over my life! I see protection, grace, and love. I was in some pretty bad situations growing up, but I wouldn’t change it. It made me realize my dependence on God. I remember as a 6 yr old crying so hard out my window and just praying to God to help my family.
My “story” is one who saw abuse, was abused, molested, who became an addict..a Real addict. That’s hard to write but it’s the truth. But my story doesn’t define me. If anything it shows what an awesomeGod we serve.
This past Sunday I listened to a friend in the church nursery tell me her story...I was floored! The pain  she has went through the last 2 yrs is almost unbearable. Today I talked to my friend who talked to me about how she lost her baby. A couple at church have a daughter with half a heart and the days are mostly numbered. I look on FB and I see a family who lost their son to a horrible accident. I think back to my little brothers testimony(which should be a post on its own) of how he was the best athlete in VA on his way to breaking my olders brothers records and on to VT to run...but God had other plans. Why God?
Stories...I LOVE to read. But I honestly only  like true stories. Why read fake stuff? Lol Anyways, the greatest story ever written was the Bible. It’s one Big story. A story that has pain that we can’t even fathom going though (like Job) to strength(Samson), to faith(Abraham), to heartbreak(Sarah and Hannah for a baby)....well ANYTHING that we as humans on this earth will go through. Why did God want us to know those stories? Because all of the stories will go back to one person-JESUS!
I pray with all my heart that my story will one day help someone..if not many. I want to shout to the rooftops on what God  has done in my life.
All my hope is in Jesus! Thank God my yesterday is gone. All my sims are forgiven. I’ve been washed by the blood...and one day my story will be finished and the best ending I could hope for!
Do you know Jesus? Oh what a friend we have in Him. He is the best author I’ve ever met!

Give me eyes to see Lord

I am legally blind without my glasses or contacts. I literally can see nothing without them.  Even though I can see perfect with my contacts, I feel like at times  I still can’t see clearly. All my life Ive looked  in the mirror and hated what I see. But if I look  through the eyes of God I should see a beautiful lady. Umm no. All I seen was someone with so many imperfections and well..ugly. . Never good enough. But if my girls felt that way I would cry! They are perfect in every way cause God made them the way he wanted. When we tell our girls how smart or  how pretty they are we try to tell  they respond because God made me that way.
I think my whole entire 33 yrs of life I’ve tried to find love....no matter where I looked I couldn’t find it. But, that ridiculous because my parents loved me unconditionally. Most importantly I have a Father who loves me!!Why can’t I see it? I think at times I’ve not felt like even Jesus doesn’t love me. I mean why would he? I could see why he would love someone like my husband, my Pastors wife, or a few women at our church...but me?!? Umm no. I have questioned my salvation. I questioned everything lately. Am I saved? Even though I asked Jesus into my heart at 12 yr old did I mean it? I’ve tried since that day to honor his commandments, to bear fruit, and to show others Christ. But yet, at the same time I have felt so sad and so angry still at times. Anger that is scary. Sadness that is scary. How can that be? What was wrong with me?
 After a long talk with our Pastor, he reassured me of my salvation(well..he isn’t the judge but...) but I just have a hard time defeating Satan’s lies about myself and anger(sin). Depression is real. OCD is real. I haven’t let go of the pain of my past. Even more so I haven’t seen with the eyes of Jesus.
Oh but these last few months I have been! I AM LOVED. I am HIS child. I don’t deserve it no, but He loves me!! I’ve cried so many happy tears lately just thinking about that.
I can count my blessings instead of my problems. I can smile even though I hate my smile. I can look at myself in the mirror and be ok with it. I can live what I’ve said for the last 21 yrs.  Oh to see through HIS eyes! It’s beautiful!! The best part is that one day I will see beauty that we can’t even comprehend yet. I will see the people I’ve read about in the Bible! Oh and even better....I will see the one who loves me more than I can comprehend.

Boundaries

Boundaries..:

My little girl is running her first “race” this Sat. To say I’m excited is an understatement. I’ve dreamed of running with my children. I thought I never would have that chance. She’s super excited too as she LOVES to run! In the summer she would run almost a mile everyday. I didn’t ask her too, she would ask me. She loves to run because she sees me run. Which brings me to this point....Children do what they see and know.  I began running because my dad ran and my two brothers ran. Some of my fav memories is my dad running and my bro and I riding our bikes with him. He would ALWAYS have to slow down and push me up the  hills, but never once complained. I enjoyed being outside and being active, but never set out to be a runner.  I can’t say I enjoyed it. Crazy huh? My parents NEVER pushed me to pursue running. Ever! Actually they were totally fine with me not running. I was on the basketball team, cheerleader, band, Girl Scouts, and honors classes so I had a full plate already. But my best friend decides to join the XC team our freshman yr of high school. So, of course I did too! ! All 4 yrs of High school all I heard from Coaches, friends, and my parents was how I could beat her. Umm..No way! I never believed that until college and I beat her in my last XC race which led our team to go to Nationals in CA. How I could be like my brother who was the #1 in the state? But my bro dropped out of college track cause it was too hard and I stayed. I’m not saying these things to brag, but I find it odd I was the one in the family who stuck to running but favored it the least. Why I wonder? Was I truly running for enjoyment or for others?   All I heard was I never fulfilled my potential and how upset they would be at me. Honestly I didn’t believe them but even if I did, I was ok with just running and enjoying it.

So....what happened in College? How did it go from something I wasn’t super crazy about to something that controlled my life? I can’t truly answer that. I think it was a lot of things that contributed to it...but most of all there was ZERO boundaries in anything in my life. When I entered college I didn’t have any boundaries to go by. So, I took it to the extreme. Extreme training that summer. Extreme “healthy” eating.” Extreme standards in EVERYTHING I was doing.

I’m saying all this because as I teach my little girl how to run, I plan on teaching her how to have boundaries in her life. How to balance life. Do I have it all figured out yet? Umm no! But I can say I have a balanced life now. I run long some days. I run short some days. Some days it’s tough and some days it’s an easy run. Some days I don’t even run at all and sleep!!!!! Haha Some days I eat awful and some days I eat healthy. Some days the house is a wreck and some days it’s spotless..I have boundaries that keep me from going back to my old ways. One is racing. I just can’t. I’m WAY too competitive and it just fuels them flame. I don’t buy a lot of junk so it keeps me from being tempted. Boundaries is a WHOLE anew thing for me. My family had Zero blundaries. I was able to basically do what I wanted. That’s to say I never did anything bad really but my parents trusted me WAY too much! Too much trust for a high school girl. Also, our home had ZERO boundaries as we were all able to treat each other like dirt basically. Soooooo much disrespect. So much back talk. So much anger.. I think this has been. HUGE thing for me to work on in marriage. What do you mean your parents never yelled? If mine weren’t yelling then I better be looking back for them!

My husband is doing an amazing job at teaching me boundaries in that I can be ok with certain things, certain situations, and to model how to not let the girls overstep their blundroes( they  are crazy sweet but not perfect, haha).

Running for me makes  me feel free. I feel sooo happy when I run. I feel like all my problems are gone. Running is time I  just pray to God. But...without boundaries on my running it can go right back to the horrible trail I ran on for yrs. The trail I run on now is still kinda hilly at times. It is still a tough course at times, but I have boundaries now and I know that I can either stop and run up that hill with the Lord, or run by myself with my boundaries. When my baby runs Sat...she will have boundaries. She will have a mom and dad and most of all a Heavenly Father to teach her how to run for Christ.

Sweet life..

I loved baking as a kid. There is something magical about mixing up ingredients, putting them into the oven and having the sweet smell fill up the house and finally tasting it. My mom is a VERY good cook. Her recipes have won competitons even. But, my mom never let me help much in the kitchen that I remember and when I did, she seemed to not want to give up control. My dad was too afraid of messes. But, then there was my Mamaw(my mom’s mom)My fav person ever!! She lived 1/4 mile from us. She was the heart of our family. She ALWAYS let me help. She would even say “how will you learn if you don’t try.” I learned soooo much from her. I learned how to make cornbread, soup beans, homemade biscuits, homemade apple butter, apple stack cake, sourdough bread, and even how to make my Frosted Flakes even sweeter(cause you need more sugar on them she would say). My Mamaw taught me how to sew. The quilts she made, she was offered a lot of money but she always said she wasn’t selling them but making them for family. My Mamaw taught me so much about working in the garden. We had a 2 acre garden and she taught me so much about how to be the best gardener. Even more than cooking, baking, and sewing she taught me that God comes first. She would always read her Bible before bed. Always! I never saw my parents read their Bible(doesn’t mean they didn’t cause they know the Bible well). I remember almost every single day in the summer I would run by her house and she would be outside and “cheer” for me. I have more memories with her than I do anyone. When she got Alzheimer’s, we were determined to not put her in a nursing home. So, when it go really bad she lived  with us for a while but that led to even more confusion. So...I became her “Dr.” All summer long I lived with her and took care of her. I made sure she ate, had her medicine, and of course our nightly routine of Wheel of Fortune. I could say some hilarious stories about that time but also some of the saddest time as well. My Mamaw was my favorite person in the world to me.
I never realized how much she influenced me until she was gone. That’s when the disorder got really bad. It was my freshman yr of college. My Mamaw died. How would I make it? I remember playing my trumpet at her funeral and it was so hard not to just break down. I actually did break down when it was time to leave her...I lost it. Even typing this makes me cry. I miss her every single day of my life. She was like my mom, my best best friend and more. When we were at Focus we had to mke a timeline of our “eating disorder history.” I didn’t realize until then that I lost my Mamaw, my uncle, my aunt(mamas sister and best friend) in 6 months. My great aunt and uncle lived 1/4 mile from my Mamaw. They grieved for her I believe. I did too. Then that same yr my little bro became deathly ill, I was 2.5 hrs away and in my first yr of teaching(which was stressful enough).
I feel like I couldn’t handle all that was happening. I’ve learned the past 5 yrs that even though I know scripture, I don’t LIVE it. If I lived it, then I may have not went down the road to and would know how to deal with the pain. I wasn’t starving only to be skinny. Eating disorders ARE NOT all about being thin. I was starving because I hurt. I was starving because I wanted love. I’ve learned through marriage I have NO idea what love is. None. It’s something I’ve wanted my whole life and I do believe now I got it....but didn’t receive it. I felt like love was earned. Ummm. No. Love is a free gift that is the best gift Jesus gave. He is stage definition of true love. His love has kept me “above water” these last 5 yrs. His love is truly all I’ve had in many times in my life. His love was seen In my Mamaw. Every single day she lived. I’m crying again just tying this. But I’m some ways, it’s happy tears cause I know I will see her again. Until then...my desire is to be an influence like her. I also want to perfect all the recipes I have of hers cause I truly believe her recipes are as good and sweet as a taste of Heaven itself.

Choices.

My whole family is sick with the flu. It is as bad as everyone says. I can’t sleep, so I figured I’d write. Last night we listened to our old church  online since we couldn’t attend our church.  Like always it was a sermon that made me ponder and think. “You don’t get to decide when and how you will die, but you can decide how you will live for today.”  We make sooo many decisions everyday. -What to wear, what to eat, what to watch on tv(although we have no cable, lol), what to read in the Bible, and many more. We also decide how we are going to act and how we feel. These last few days have been so hard. I tried to keep my husband confined in a room(only going in to check on him, bring food/drink) in hopes the flu wouldn’t spread(and yes, we get flu shots). Our littlest one cried so much for him(she is all daddy’s girl), I had no help, and honestly I was tired of being “supermom”, but I realized I have two choices. One, I can either just quit and the family crumble or pray for God to give me strength to Dr everyone while I felt horrible as well. Sometimes we have to decide to do what’s hard. My parents taught me all to well to “toughen up” and go on. It’s not somthing I really want my girls to have to do, but I do want them to know God will give them strength through the rough times. All throughout our Christian walk, we chose whether to do what’s right in Gods eyes or mans. We decide whether to spend time in his word or not. We decide whether we are going to love our spouse even if he hurt your feelings. We decide on whether we are going to be the hands and feet of Jesus or to let others do all the work.
I’m saying all this because our lives comes down to two choices. God or man? One can’t have both. Trust me I’ve tried. It lead to nothing but heartache and regrets. We can’t choose our parsers and how they  raised us(and I’m not saying mine did a bad job...I LOVE Amy parents)  we can’t choose when we will die, but we DO choose where we will go when we do die! I know I will Jesus one day! I know my parents, my twin, my grandparents and friends that have passed on will be there. But I don’t know if I will even get one crown to give back to Jesus. I sure don’t deserve it. But I know I have decided to walk with him, honor him, and glorify him until then. I will that one running as fast as my legs will go! I will hug my Mamaws neck and say how I missed her. I will then hug my husbands mom and say oh how grateful I am for her. She made an impact on me without ever meeting her.
Choices...what will you decide? Today I chose to follow Christ and to eat what I want and thank him for it. I chose  to run and praise him for my legs that work. Today I chose to thank him that we “only” have the flu and for our health. Today I chose to lay down my selfishness, pride, and thank for dying on the cross for it and my sin. Today WILL be a good day! Why? Because Jesus gave life and he gave it abundantly!

Who am I?

It is soooo cold here so the girls and I are staying cooped up inside which means lots of crafts and baking going on. I had a thought as I was making a snowflake craft with my girls. I was explaining how every snowflake is different and unique. That led to explaining how God created all  of us so different but special. This is somthing that  I want my girls to understand completely. I never have truly  grasped that until the last couple yrs. Who am I was always somthing I was asking myself. I lost my twin so I have always felt like half of me was missing. I never felt complete when I was little. Growing up, I feel like my identity was D’s little girl as I look EXACTLY alike my dad. I remember thinking but I want to look like my beautiful mom! Lol In High school I was identified as J’s little sister. He was the best athlete in the school in every sport and well...I really didn’t care so much about being #1.  I was completely ok with third place! Haha Its just a game! I remember one teacher when I was in calculus telling my parents that I’m just not getting it and that my brother looked out the window and got it! Well, excuse me, I’m not him!! I HATE math! I like band  class, art class, and English class(the complete total opposite of him).  Which that’s why I love K and he is an engineer. Haha Who am I?...A cheerleader, trumpet player, a Girl Scout, a runner, J’s sister, D’s daughter, was who I identified with until college. Then in college, I became lost! I was in a sea of people and had NO clue who I was or who any of them were. So, I had to make my own identity. I became a “real” runner. The best runner. That was me. In high school all my coaches and parents would get aggravated at me because “I didn’t run to my potential.” I felt like I was so when people told me I wasn’t I felt like I let them down. I’m all for doing things 100%, and I will want my girls to do their best. However, that’s not who they are!

If you're a follower of Jesus Christ, you're no longer a part of this world soaked in sin. Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. This life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." You're a new creation in Him; the old has passed and the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17)!Why do we, who have been called out by our Heavenly Father, try so hard to fit in and get approval from a world we are no longer a part of? We will never get their complete approval because here's the hard truth: If you've decided to follow Jesus with all your heart, you're never going to completely "fit in." NEVER FIT IN...grasp that! 

I can say I am FINALLY ok with not being what everyone else wants me to. I’m ok with letting others down, saying no, and not being perfect. It’s just TOO much to juggle. I have enjoyed learning who I am since I said “I do.” I am even thankful we moved towns, churches, and  quit my job because as hard as that was, it was best for me. Nobody knew me here..so NO expectations.  

All I really care about now is who I am in CHRIST. That’s is enough. That is plenty! 

Freedom

I remember the crippling shame all too well. Growing up, people knew me as “the good  girl” who always smiled and stayed out of trouble. I was in the top of my class, excelled in sports, and blessed with anything a child could want.  My life was perfect they thought. On the outside, my life appeared to be in order.However, behind closed doors my life was nothing but a rollercoaster I wanted off of. I remember always being so anxious everyday I was home. Would today be a good day or a bad day? Every sound made me jump. I remember thinking why don’t they just divorce! Life would be so much better! I remember clinging to my dads legs begging him not to leave. I remember even sitting at my high school homecoming and my dad was drunk(which was only 3 times to my knowledges my whole life). I remember my mom literally spanking me until I couldn’t sit down. I remember her outrage anger. I remember her chasing me, throwing whatever she could at me, or just yelling and more yelling. But putting on the perfect face for all to see. We were that perfect family my mom would be so upset if you embarrass her. Perfection... I was that kid who didn’t care about being #1. I didn’t care about my apperence(I mean I had two bros so really who would). I would rather be climbing trees. I wasnt out to impress boys or anyone...but heaven forbid me not to look perfect in  her eyes.  But yet, I love my dad and my mom crazy amounts. They did the best they could. They raised 3 children the absolute best they could.  They loved us more than any parent could I feel like. Proud is an understatement when it comes to them. 
     I am such a daddy’s girl. Maybe it’s becusse he seriously was the best dad. He was the one coloring with me, playing board games with me, always the one who would put in hrs to help my bro and I succeed at sports. He spent every bonus he had on us. He never spanked us one time. He sold his new truck so my bro could get his Jeep. I have more precious memories with my dad than my mom. But yet, so much pain was caused by him. How can you love some one so much but they cause you so much pain? Well, Jesus does. I’ve caused hik his life for my sin yet he loves me unconditionally. 
Until marriage I never knew how much my parents influenced me for the good and bad.
-Why wasn’t my mom ther efoe me when I needed her? Too embarrassed? Why? 
-Why couldn’t she accept my dads love? 
-Why couldn’t they just get along? -Why wasn they like a good Christian family?...sin. That’s why! We live in a sinful world. Until I realized I was sinning when I hurt my body, I thought that it’s somehing that I didn’t cause. It’s genetics to be more likely ocd, depressed, and end up with an ed. That may be true(I don’t know), but it doesn’t make it ok. I can’t hurt my body when people hurt me. I can’t hurt my body when I’m angry, get my feelings hurt or just don’t feel good about myself. I have to give it to God. That’s freedom. 
 I have a very hard time loving D like I want to, like he deserves, and like how my mind plays it out. I’ve learned I don’t know how to love. I never heard my mom/dad say those two words. I never saw them kiss. D grew up in a family that was pretty perfect. His parents never yelled and they were absolute best friends. Sometimes I feel like D would be better off without me and that he deserves a woman that loves him like he deserves. But God put us together and we cling to that. God put my parents together. My parents are an example of love never fails...they have been married 38 yrs. There marriage isn’t perfect by any means but I have seen God do so much I’m their life. I’m thankful that they never did break that covenant they made with God. I pray my girls say that their parents were so in love it was embarrassing! Lol I pray that they see what I saw at my friends house. I pray that they wait as long as it takes to find the one God has for them. It is worth it. I pray that most of all that they realize that no one will love them like Jesus. No one. 
This new yr is a yr I am so excited about! They say it takes 5 yr to recover and I finally made it to that point! I can say I am free! Free indeed! -Free from the bitterness, anger, and pain from the past. -Free from trying to meet everyone’s expectations. 
I can say that I have been recovered for 5 yrs now..and free from chains for 5 yrs as well. 
-Free from Satan’s lies -Free from fear foods -Free from rituals/ocd 
-Free from “having to run.” -Free from calorie counting -Free from caring what people think about me -Free from weight gain  And so much more! This is going to be a great yr! 

I never thought I’d get here. Never. I never thought I’d get here without meds. I wanted to give up many times. Dr after dr said I never would never get better without medication. But I knew that if God has everything in his word that we need to be “anxious for nothing..” I believe it! I believe Phil 4:13, Most of all I believe that Christ died for me and that one day I will get to thank him for the work he has done in my life these past 5 yrs. 
Bring on the new yr! This yr is a yr to love each day full of joy, full of fun, and full of ice cream and sprinkles! God is good. 

5 yrs.

5 yrs..where do I begin? I can’t believe it’s been 5 yrs since I left Focus. There is so much to tell that God has done in my life these last 5 yrs. I’ll start by saying I’m so thankful for Focus. It is a place that brings sadness to my life, but it is also the place where I found hope again. The month I was there was the hardest month of my life...but God gave me the strength to win the battle!  Thought for yrs that if I just pray more. If I just read my Bible more. If I just have more faith. If I just rely on God more. If I just find my identity in who Christ says I am. If I just fill my thoughts with Scripture. If I just force myself to eat. Then I will be able to resist the struggle. Besides, I’m not that thin. I won’t become sick enough for it to really count as an eating disorder. No one will ever know. 

These misconceptions about eating disorders prevented me from seeking professional help. The longer I kept silent, the more powerful the eating disorder grew. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make the thoughts stop. Sometimes I managed to suppress everything enough to think I had “gotten over it.” But the struggle always resurfaced. No matter how hard I prayed. No matter how much I read the Bible. No matter how much faith I placed in God. The mental battle persisted relentlessly.

• I loved Christ deeply and cared significantly more about what He thought of me. But I still developed at eating disorder.
• I believed in the healing power of God and lived a deeply prayerful life. But I still developed an eating disorder.
• I valued inner beauty far more than outward beauty But I still developed an eating disorder.
• I knew God’s unconditional love was a gift that I could never earn and that perfection was unattainable. But I still developed an eating disorder.
• I started a Children’s choir at my church, taught Bible school every yr, I went on a month long mission trip to Africa , I dated an incredible guy, and knew my family loved me unconditionally. But I still developed an eating disorder.
• I had been given every opportunity to succeed in life. But I still developed an eating disorder.

Eventually, my ability to think dissipated into a fog of malnutrition and major depression. The illness I had tried so desperately to control instead controlled me. When the shame of my struggles became too much to bear, I resorted to self-harm for relief.

When I was at Focus, I met some amazing Christian friends there I am so thankful for. I met some people who need Christ and I was able to witness to them. With that said, Focus is where I realized I truly can do nothing without Jesus. He was all I had while there. It was also the place that I learned I held onto so much anger, hurt, and more anger. I was angry that despite my parents being amazing in the parent aspect, I saw abuse, so much anger, and my mom try to kill herself. I saw my dad try to gain my moms love but she resisted it and chose anger instead. I never saw them love each other(which is why marriage has been so hard for me cause I am so clueless on how to love).  At Focus I realized that being molested as a 4th grader(not by family) affected me in ways I had no idea. I also learned that I was holding on to so much bitterness with my mom cause I went to her for help when I realized I had a problem, but she did nothing. My husband(More him on this topic) and Focus helped me realize that I had to let go of all the pain. I had to give it to God and that’s all I could do. 

After leaving I was supposed to go back to outpatient but I basically begged David not to. I wanted to be home. Well, being home led to a VERY unexpected pregnancy 3 weeks after I left. I know God gave us Hannah cause she has been a HUGE part in my recovery. There is NOTHING I’ve ever wanted to be more than a mom. God allowed ME a child after I did to my body? Having Hannah made me realize the sacrifice God made. There is no way I could give up my little girl for this sin filled world. God did. I look at my little girl and see Grace, Love, and a huge answered prayer that Drs. Said would never happen. 

After having Hannah life got very crazy! I quit my dream job(Kindergarten teacher). It was a very hard decision but I wouldn’t go back if they paid me triple. David and I had a baby, we moved(from my dream home) to Knoxville, moved churches, and I left all my friends. It was a sad time in my life for sure. I once again felt lonely. Change is the hardest thing for me in my recovery. I went through a very angry stage. I wanted my old life back. I hated the church I went to(just didn’t fit in), missed running a lot(I pushed Hannah everyday but it’s not the same), and having a “purpose.” It took many months for me to adapt to the new normal. Looking back now, I am in awe of how God orchestrated it all. He truly knows what’s best for my life. 

After we moved, David switched companies and we got pregnant again! Praise God for his blessings! Little Grace was exactly what her name is. When Grace was born I began to realize I am a mom...that is ENOUGH! I embraced my role and I don’t take it lightly. Everyday I spend with my two little girls I want them to see Christ in my life. 

Almost a yr after Grace was born, we decided to sell our house and move closer to church. David and I want to be involved as much as we can and it’s so hard with two little one living 30 min from church. Another big change, and another time I had to trust God. Sometimes I would think why is God allowing all these changes? But wait! During times are hard it was when I clung to his promises and had to tell Satan “not today!” I have grown so much in my walk with Christ these last 5 yrs. 

The last 5 yrs have been tough..brutal not like it! But with that said, it has been the best 5 yrs of my life. I can laugh again. I am becoming “the old me” in that I love to be around people again. I look forward to meals and running is more of “me time” vs a have to. I have learned what real love is. I can look in the mirror and say thank you God even though I see flaw after flaw. I am blessed. I am happy. I am free. 

The last thing I’d like to make note of is verses that helped me. 

-Does anyone really and truly love me?

John 3:16-17

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

God knows you perfectly and cherishes you with His endless love. To convince you that God will never forsake you or forget you, He says, "See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands" (Isaiah 49:16). You are deeply and forever loved by God.

-Can I trust God? 

Proverbs 3:5-6 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.

After being hurt by actions and words and having your trust continually broken, it may feel safer to depend on something tangible, like food and weight. However, think about the pain the eating disorder has caused in your life. Turn to God, let Him speak to you through His Word, and talk to Him as your Friend and pray for His help. 

I look back on these last 5 yrs and I praise the Lord for what’s he’s done in my life. I can say that if having an eating disorder was to bring me closer to him, it was all worth it. Do I struggle anymore? Honestly I do struggle with thoughts at times, but I now know how to overcome those thoughts. I feel this may be “the thorn in my flesh” but it’s something that keeps me clinging to Gods word and his promises. It’s still a topic that is hard to talk about but maybe God will use me one day to help others. May my struggles bring him glory. Philippians 4:8 says 

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 

HE is always beside us!

    Amazing Grace how sweet the sound! O' how that song speaks to me. The last couple months at home has been overall great. I've had some tough days, but God gave me strength. Being a Christian doesn't mean we won't have a bad day. During times of trials and change we always have one thing that remains constant: God's love and HIS word:  It will never run out and is always 100% TRUE.
       Since I've been home I've been seeing an amazing nutritionist. I have to write down everything I eat and how much I exercise. She is actually the one who pushed me to go to inpatient. I've also continued seeing my Christian therapist. I enjoy going to see her and talking things out. Also, my primary care Dr. has been awesome. She has been there with me the last 10 yrs. She said the sweetest prayer for me when I left last time. I have NO Doubt GOD put all these wonderful Dr.'s in my life. It's not coincidence that 10 yrs ago I found my Dr.'s name. I had no clue who she was...but God knew that I would need her. God knew I would need the nutritionist that I have as well. He makes NO mistakes!
     A perfect example of how God makes no mistakes is when God didn't answer my prayer last Spring. I was getting married and my husband owns a house where he works and the Christian school I have always wanted to work at was right down below his house. He even went to college with the Principal! I applied and we  began to pray daily about it. I hardly ever check my email, but I did and low and behold I got an email from the principal asking me to come in for an interview that next week!! I was unreal excited! Not only did GOD allow me to work at the school The school I prayed to work at after college, but HE was for sure going to answer my prayer about working there!!! However, that's not what he had planned. I went for the interview (which couldn't have went better) for a 3rd grade position. I really didn't want 3rd grade, but I thought I was take it if offered because my heart wanted to work there. However, during the interview the principal said there was a new K position open!! What?!? God, WOW, you are soooo good!! Well, I waited a week and then......I got an email saying they decided to give the job to someone else. I was a crushed! I called my husband at 2 in the morning crying and crying...(we had hung out that night until 12 and he was on his way home). Why Lord? Anyways, like I said, God makes NO mistakes! So, knowing I was going to be teaching another yr here, we had to start house looking in my town. We had looked EVERYWHERE and just couldn't seem to find the right place. Then one Sunday afternoon I had one of my favorite (yeah, I thought I'd never have favorites, but I admit I do...but love ALL of them) students on my mind. Her mom and dad are coaches at my college and know lots of people. I decided to text them and ask if they knew a house for rent. Well, it just so happened that same day they were discussing about selling/renting their house!! :) So, once again God opened the doors for us and we have such a great home to live in. I live right beside of about 4 teachers that I work with! Also, we didn't really know at the beginning of marriage I would need to go inpatient or be struggling like I was. But God did! He knew I would need the insurance I did. Without it we wouldn't have been able to get me the help I needed. If I got the job at the Christian school, I wouldn't have made as much money or got the insurance I have here. We wouldn't have been able to afford any help.  Also, HE knew I would never be able to open up to another Dr. about my problems. It took 10 yrs to admit it to the one I have!! He knew I would need the people I work with and the church I have to get me through it. So....I've learned once again that HIS PLAN is PERFECT!
     Knowing His plan is perfect, I have to remember that since I just found out that it is going to be hard to have children. I recently just went to see an obgyn(who is amazing and God allowed me to somehow get in to see her even though they had no opening until 3 months! It just so happened that the day I called, a cancellation happened! Thank u Lord! ). Anyways, I've met with her 3 times now and I've had all kinds of lab work done, many tests/procedures and the results were not what I wanted to here. I knew I had done LOTS of damage on my body over the years, but she even said that the problem was not from the eating disorder. It's just how my body is. So, I'm having to trust God to see what he has in store for me. It's hard. But God might want it to be hard because He wants me to give him my all...."lean not on your own understanding" he says. His way is perfect so I will just keep my running shoes on and keep going day by day and mile by mile to see what that plan is. :)

Dear Lord, even though I don't know what your plan is, I know you are making beauty from these ashes. I know there is a purpose and meaning in everything. I will surrender to you. Thank you Father that I don't have to be the old woman I use to be. I have a new life that is soo free and I feel redeemed. Lord, may you keep me in your will and lead me. Use me Lord to bring you glory to your name. Thank you Father for caring about the things that concern me and that you listen...and answer in a way that is perfect.

1 Corinthians 1:2 You have been made holy in Christ Jesus.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast ALL your cares upon him, for he cares for you.

Let it snow!!!

We recently just got a big snow! The day before my birthday, I joked with my Kindergarten kids on doing a snow dance so we don't have to go to school on my birthday . Well, apparently, they did!!  The  next morning we had a 20% chance of snow. My husband and I went to the gym  early  to run before work. While I was in the treadmill my friend from work texted me and said no school on your birthday! What?!? Is she playing a trick on me?  But, she was right! No school! The superintendent was working out there too and so I ran up to him and said " thanks , it is my birthday!" I wasn't complaining , but I didn't understand why we were out! But two hrs later I did!! He snowed all day long! We probably got 5 inches! It was beautiful! I got lots of texts from my kiddos saying that they got me flowers for my birthday and were sad they couldn't brig them to school. They were sad that  we weren't going to get to eat the cupcakes(they begged me to get them for them to eat on my birthday, haha). I love my kindergarten  kids.. The Lord may have in his plans that  they are the kids he has given me ...I definitely love them like my own.
  The day I got back from inpatient one of the student in my room came and told me that another  girl called her fat and ugly! I just got back from a place where everyone thinks they are fat and I come back to a 5 yr old who thinks the same thing!!  The little girl is definitely overweight, but O' how beautiful she is-inside and out!! I was upset! I told her that even though the  girl  was wrong about her, that we  have to remember that it doesn't matter  what others say or think about us...only what God says. He says that we are beautiful and he made us just the way he wanted. The other kids at her table heard me whispering to her and told her how pretty she was and smart. I know kids will say things that hurt each other, but it really struck a nerve in me because I had just gotten back from trying to overcome my view of myself. Also,  I was 5 when my body image issues  started.  I remember being at my friends house and thinking I was soo fat!! We were in the same classroom, the same activities and always around rah other . Her family was crazy healthy(too healthy in my opinion...she was deprived ). Mine wasn't. My family grew up with a. 2 acre garden and  southern down home cooking each night!  Yum, yum! Anyways, she was super skinny and  we always had spaghettios for lunch at her house. We were getting the can out and she asked if I'd like to split a can. I told her no, that I can eat the whole can. She ended up heating up half a can for her, a whole can for me and she only half half of hers(1/4 a can). I thought wow....I am a pig! I didn't help that I had two brothers who had to wear boys slims cause they were so thin. I was the non picky eater in the family. Sadly, my best friend ended up with a eating disorder in h.s. I think the trigger to her ed was due to her parents high expectations of her. I didn't know it at the time, but  all but about two of us had an ed. I had NO clue until college.  It is sad how well people can hide it. I just though my friends were skinny.  I know I "hid" mine from everyone I could. ...but I probably wasn't fooling as many as I thought.  I know God wasn't folded!
 The thing I liked about the big snow we got was how for me it is a picture of how God washes our sins white as snow.  His blood paid the price and we are wiped clean!  The most beautiful thing to me is that he didn't even have to!!!  I thank The Lord for snow  days for many reasons. The greatest I reason is it is a time when we see a beautiful picture of how  awesome  God  is. He created each one of  kinda like a snowflake. No two snowflakes are alike...note are we. However, we are beautiful and created just the way he wanted  us.

Celebration of new life

I've had about two weeks at home on my own. My first day back at work was kinda weird. A lot of people didn't know (nor will they ever!) why I was gone. Everyone was super welcoming and giving me hugs. Some figured it out and Thank God they didn't say anything. We are really like a family at work and I can't thank the Lord enough for the people I work with. They have been there for me in many difficult times in my life. Some of the teachers took my husband food, many text him to see how I was doing, and some even wrote me letters. WHY?! Why do you love me so much!? They have servant's hearts. God knew I needed to be here when my brother was dying, when my grandma died, and when I would face the hardest battle in my own life. They prayed for me. Lord, I pray you will bless our staff. Bless our students. May our school be one where the teachers lift your name up and use us to bring glory to your name.

As far as my meal plan has been going, I have followed it 98%. I am afraid not to, because it could lead to a spiral downhill. My weight hasn't changed at all and I am almost to the point where if it did go up, I would be ok with it. I am eating healthy, exercising in a healthy way, and treating it the best I can...what else can I do? I really enjoy eating now. I love making my husband dinner again. I've even learned I LOVE steak!!! I've eaten steak 3 times since I've been home. I've never had it....ever! I made spaghetti and meatballs last night for us(a huge former fear food) and didn't even think once about calories or irrational thoughts. We made homemade ice cream together after that and used the ice cream  toppings my little brother got us for Christmas (he made us an ice cream basket full of ice cream related things...perfect gift!). We sat by our fireplace and watched a movie together....Thank you Father for my life! I have been redeemed! :)

I know that I must continue and I think it's vital that I get at least a dietician. I know I'm not "cured" and I need to take it day by day. I have a wonderful Dr, psychologist, and Pastor that is in my aftercare. I am working on getting a great dietician. I knew that going back to outpatient wasn't right for me. It took me away from my husband, I never slept(never home till 9:30 each night), and I had nobody to eat dinner with and it was sooo easy to not eat. My therapy is being home. It's where my heart is.

Last Saturday my husband threw me a surprise  birthday party!!! That morning I went to my school to catch up on school work. I was supposed to meet my best friend at Starbucks(she lives an hr away) around 2:00. However, it snowed. It was getting pretty bad outside and I was hungry  so I decided I needed to head home. I wasn't going to text him and say I'm coming home, but I decided to. Good thing I did or else I would've ruined the surprise (everyone was there setting it up). He was like "umm, you want to go eat at Zaxby's? I really didn't want to, but I said ok. Although we usually ate their about once a week together, I had a little hard time eating. I am not sure why. But, I brushed it off and told myself to eat and enjoy just being together. Then we headed home. I opened the door and saw about 3 baby car seats, then decorations, and screamed. I was shaking due to being overwhelmed. My parents, my in-laws, my older brother and his girls, friends from church, and my friend I work with came. My friend I was meeting at Starbucks was the one who was supposed to keep me away until it was time for the party.  When she couldn't come due to the snow, my husband was in panic. haha Anyways, that birthday was the best birthday I've had in years. For me, it was like a celebration of my new healthy life. Everyone there knew about me being in inpatient except for two people. I thank God for each one of them. For them to take time out of their day (and many lived 2 hrs away) to come celebrate with me was so nice! Our whole house was decorated and we had ice cream cake, and lots of other snacks. For me to be able to eat ice cream cake after just eating lunch and not even care is huge! I dreaded this birthday sooo much because I felt like I am no where near where I wanted to be in life-have lots of babies....but so far it's been the best! The people in my life don't love me if I run fast, eat lots of cake, stay a certain size, or any other silly reason....They just love me! Just like I love them! Just like JESUS loves us all!!!!  That night my little nieces (5 hrs old and 1) spend the night.  We had so much fun! My husband, me, and the girls all curled up by out fireplace and watched Lady and the Tramp(my nieces pick).  It  gave me a glimpse of how my life could be in a fee years if I continue to stay healthy, and if God allows.  That night, we made a huge big fort in our living room and the girls and I slept in it. Well, they do. I couldn't sleep at all because I am WAY over protective and stayed up pretty much all night to make sure they were ok.  I was exhausted the next morning, haha.  That Sunday mornings I it the girls ready for church and we all sat down together at the table to eat breakfast together. I could've cried  tears of happiness. My heart was overjoyed! We prayed and thanked God for the food and My husband read the girls a Bible story. My 5 yr old niece said it back to him almost word for word.   My husband I and I pray for out three nieces and our nephew daily. We pray that they ask Jesus into their heart. I pray that they see themselves as God does and not care about what the world says about them. The word doesn't give us value....but we are valuable in. The Lord. Thank you Father for giving me another year. I am excited to see the plans you have for my husband and me. Thank you for giving me MANY more chances on getting my life back. You are a God who loves unconditionally. You never give up on your children.
Even when I didn't hold on to you, you held on to me. 

O' how HE loves us!

Inpatient was an experience I will never forget. I am soooo thankful that I was able to go! I was unreal scared to go, but by the end of my stay I wanted to stay longer!!! :) God showed me sooo much while I was there.  From the time I arrived and they said my roommate was Hannah(who was saved and loved the Lord), I thought "Wow! God you are sooo good. Hannah is the name I want to name my baby girl one day. The last ten years I have felt like Hannah. I long for a baby more than anyone I know. I didn't understand why God "didn't want me to get married." He did! It was just in HIS timing. I learned alot about HIS timing while in inpatient. I know that for the last ten yrs of my life, it hasn't played out at all how I wanted. I would've gotten married 6 years ago and had 4 children by now....but God had other plans. I am now at peace with my life. I still long for a baby named Hannah, but right now I am enjoying my new life and taking it day by day....He has a perfect plan for my husband and me....It will be perfect regardless.

My hope is built on nothing else then Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in Jesus' name.

John 14:13 says "You can ask for nothing in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father."

I  have God for sooo many things in my life and I my list is too long to write. However, even if He didn't answer the way I wanted, he answered....and I must remember His way is best!

All the women in inpatient were amazing. We became so close! We shared things in Process (group therapy) that nobody else knows. We were a super close family.  We learned on each other for strength and encouragement. I pray while I was there that I made a difference in some of their lives. I know that some of them weren't saved. It broke my heart because I believe that in order to defeat ED, you have to surrender it to God. When my roommate Hannah left, I got moved to another room. My roommate was unsaved. She saw my binder and saw that I had 26 verses for running( 1 verse for each mile I run in a marathon). She asked me to write some of them down for her. I cherished the time that we got to talk about God. I hope I planted a seed in her and that one day,  if not already she asked Jesus to come into her heart. Another lady asked me what does "fearfully and wonderfully made mean?" Fearfully and wonderfully made is my affrimation (an I can or I am statement we had to say over and over while there). It was neat getting to tell her about that. I pray she believes it! I met one lady that will be forever my friend. She was in outpatient with me for a couple months and then she left one week before me to go inpatient. I know God had it that way because He knew I needed the comfort knowing that she would be there. I saw a change in her that only God can do! She gave her ed to God and is thriving!

The first 5 days of inpatient was hard...very hard! I couldn't talk on the phone or go on any of the outings. I had a VERY hard time sitting and eating and sitting and eating and sitting and eating....
I didn't have my husband to say "I love you," or my little brother to say"You can do this!" However, I did have my Bible and God....and HE is ALL I need.  It was a time in my life that I got to spend so much time in His word and just meditating.

We ate 6 times a day at inpatient. I didn't each 3 before, much less 6!!! We had 3 meals and 3 snacks. Each Monday we had a "gentle eating meal." Gentle eating was NOT gentle! I failed each one at outpatient. We had to sit in a room listening to classical music, no talking, a 3 course meal that we had no clue what was going to be served, and had to "pass the test" eating. The tech would read nutrition facts about our meal while we ate and filled out our food and feelings paper.  The paper talked about how we felt, what we were thinking, what we wanted to do at that moment, and what we chose to do instead. Most of the time I wrote I want to run away and eat "my safe foods." But by my 3rd gentle eating meal, I had NO problem at all! It was seen as food-nourishment. I loved it! :)
Each week we also went to a restaurant to eat,  a cooking night, and we went grocery shopping together. We also go to go to fun outings on weekends. I made lots of good memories while I was there. I loved the dietician....she is the one that I believe helped me the most. I cried when I had to tell her bye because of how much she had taught me and changed my life. She has been an incredible influence to so many on not only on how to eat, but how to treat your body the way God wants.

The last weekend I was there was family weekend. I was super excited because I was going home on that Friday....at least I thought. However, my husband said that he was going to come to family weekend and that he wanted me to do a week of partial inpatient before coming home! WHAT?!? I was furious! However, even though I was upset he spent ALOT of money coming to family weekend, I knew it was out of love and it was worth every penny! It changed our relationship. We were able to talk about things that probably never would have been said if I went home. My ed has affected our marriage ALOT....and hurts me. However, I know that is has also brought us closer and it also brought us closer to God.  My husband didn't tell me until the ride home that my insurance ran out on day 2! My insurance said I didn't need inpatient. The cost of inpatient without insurance is unreal expensive, and he told them we may even go bankrupt, but to let me stay and not to tell me! That is soooo him.....he loves me more than I deserve! Thankfully, we didn't go bankrupt, but we got richer!  Our love for each other is richer, our communication is better(I held everything in), and my relationship with my Father is much richer! God took me through the desert, but he never left me! He walked with me daily while I was there. He sat right beside of me with every meal, and showed me that I am worthy! I am HIS! I am truly FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY Made!!! :)

O' How he loves us. O' how he loves us. How he loves us ALL.

We can trust our God
 He knows what He's doing.
Though it might hurt now, we won't be ruined.
It might seem there's an ocean in between, but He's holding onto you and me.
He's never gonna leave...He is with us-ALWAYS!